Roger Clemens Is SUCH A Fucking Asshole

I mean, wow. What a dicknose. Banging a 15 year old while you were 28, married, and father to two idiotically named children? Really Roger? You think any of us really give a fuck if you deny it? We don't believe you. Your word carries about as much weight as Mary Kate Olsen. It's one thing to abuse steroids, it's another entirely to abuse a 15 year old country singer, among other extra marital offenses.

Roger Clemens, you truly are an asshole.

These Recent Events Confuse Me

Not so much the Phillies. They're a much better team than the Giants and should have had less trouble taking 2 out of 3 than they did. They need 3 errors to get the job done today. That being said, a win is a win. And the Sixers don't surprise me either. Well, come to think of it, the fact that they won 2 games was a bit of a surprise.

But they Flyers? Didn't this team have the fewest points in the NHL last year? I understand that that wasn't this team, but still. Ousting the number 1 seed in 5 games is pretty damn impressive. Still, I've seen this before from the Flyers. We all have. I'll believe it when they're holding a giant silver thing over their heads and taking turns kissing it. It's not that they don't matter to me, it's just... well, I'm not getting into it right now. I've been working on a Flyers Manifesto in my head for months now. I'll be done it soon. I'm pretty sure I know how it ends, but I hope I'm wrong.

Annnnnd.... I'm Back

I know you missed me. Thanks for perservering. What? What do you mean you didn't even notice I was gone? Well to hell with you then.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. You know I love you.

Anyway, a lot has happened since I left Philadelphia. The Pistons started playing like the Pistons, the Sixers started playing like the Sixers, the Phillies have managed to stay above .500 the entire time, and the Flyers... look, I'm not going there. I don't care if they're one win from the Conference Finals. We've seen this before. Many times. I certainly want them to win, but I'm not getting sucked in. Not now. I would be a fool to let myself succumb to that foul temptress' charms right now.

The Sixers are sucking me in though. Not because I think they'll beat the Pistons, but because this team has a legitimately bright future, and I love me some basketball. They're still a couple years and a couple players away, but the foundation (which includes Andre Miller) is there.

And the Phillies, well, they're doin' okay. They surprised me by not dropping 2 of 3 to the Pirates. That would have been a classic Phillies move. Also, one other reason I'm not terribly worried is that apparently Billy Wagner has called out Oliver Perez for some of the Mets' struggles of late (even though they're above .500). That man never learns. He's a hell of a pitcher when he's on, but Jesus, he sure is a dick. I don't miss him one bit, and I don't think anyone else in Philly does either.

Sixers Win, Phillies Win, Everybody Wins!

Except of course for the Pistons and Pirates. And that damn parrot is a rip off of the Phanatic. Just look at him! He's fuzzy, green, pear-shaped and pantless. Just like the Phanatic. I would call shenanigans, but then I realized I really don't care. Anyway, I have no fucking idea what's going on with the Sixers, but I like it.

This will be my last post for a couple days because I'm moving, so for the six of you that read this, try to make do without me. I wont be gone long.

Phils Win 3-1, Utley Disappoints

3 for 4 with THREE singles? Geez Chase, there goes you streak of games with an extra base hit. Only one run scored? Slacker. You're only hitting .385! I expect no less than .440 this year! Get on it.

Pat the Bat also continued his hot streak, driving in two runs in the 8th with a double. Gordon pitched out of jam in the 8th for the win. Moyer pitched pretty well, but he got some help from Brewer baserunning mistakes (two pickoffs, and Corey Hart was thrown out at third trying to stretch a double into a triple with no one out). Lidge got the save in the 9th. We'll certainly take it.

Good work fellas. Keep it up.

Rest Assured I Was On The Internet Within Minutes, Registering My Disgust Throughout The World

Kudos to anyone who understands the reference in the title of this post. Anyway, the Sixers reached into their own asses tonight and pulled out a handful of crap, unlike Sunday when they pulled out a victory. Oh well. I don't think anyone expected them to win tonight.

And the Phillies blew a lead in the 8th, allowing a 2 run homer to Prince Fielder (pictured, left) for the second time that game. God forbid you guys string 4 wins together. But hey, I can't be greedy. That would make me a Boston fan, and then I wouldn't be able to see my own reflection. Can't have that. Anyway, Grampa Moyer takes the hill tomorrow, so hopefully the Phils will bounce back.

Oh, and the Flyers play tomorrow night, which is cool. I guess.

FUCK and YES

What an awesome night. The Phillies came back (in spectacular fashion) to beat the Rockies, exorcise some demons from last season, and go above .500 for the first time this season. (Woo hoo!) And the Flyers - the Flyers! - won a game 7! In overtime! On the road! The Flyers SO don't do that!

So yeah, Lupul put a rebound in about 5 minutes into the first overtime, and the Flyers will be heading off to face the Canadiens, a team about which I know nothing. So that's cool. They had an opportunity for a heartbreaking defeat after squandering a 3 games to 1 lead in the series, but somehow, they won. I guess it's progress.

And then there's the Phillies. Oh, the Phillies. Mr. Wonderful himself staked them to a 2-0 lead early in the game, but the teams kept trading leads, with the Rockies going up 6-4 in the 7th. The Phillies got one back in the 8th, and then, in the 9th inning, total awesomeness occurred. Taguchi led off the inning with a hit. Werth made an out. Then Mr. W hit a single, and ended up on second after the throw to 3rd to try to get Taguchi was too high for the cutoff man. So, we have runners on 2nd and 3rd for Ryan Howard, hitting a robust .190. Still, he was intentionally walked to set up a double play for Burrell. Thing is, Burrell didn't hear the word "play" and crused a double into left center, scoring all three runners.

But, it looked like Taveras would have a chance at it, so Utley had to hold up. When Taveras dove and missed, Taguchi walked home, and then Utley and Howard came barreling around 3rd, with Howard about 4 steps behind Utley. Ultey slid home ahead of the throw, (making it 7-6 Phillies), and about 1.5 seconds later, Ryan Howard slid in head first and just beat the tag. It was like that moment from Major League, except both guys were safe this time. It was totally awesome.

In fact, from a Philly fan's perspective, the night really couldn't have been better.

Man, never thought I'd type that.

Chase Utley Es Muy Sexy

Muy, muy sexy. Just look at him. That is one sexy hunk of man right there, and no, I'm not afraid to admit it. The Phillies won 9-5 to pull even at .500. AGAIN. And this time the offense actually looked, well, good. The Phillies were down 3-0 early, but Pat the Bat hit a 2 run homer to bring them within 1. Down 3 again with the score 5-2, Jason Werth crushed a ball into center. Taveras couldn't get to it, it bounced off a concrete border at the bottom of the fence, and Werth ended up racing all the way home to make it 5-3. At this point the score on the top of the screen said 5-4, and a graphic read "Home run, Utley". I said to my dad, "Man, that guy really IS hot."

Then Utley, who was up next, belted a homer over the right field wall. Unbelievable. It was his 5th straight game with a homer, and his league leading 9th overall. The Phils added two more in the 7th to take the lead, and 3 more in the 9th to seal the deal. Howard had a couple of hits, which is nice. They need him to heat up, and soon. Victorino should be back soon too, which will help.

The Phils also committed 3 errors, which, well, I just don't fucking understand. It needs to stop though. Anyway, Phils showed some grit by coming back to win this one, which hopefully will carry over into the rest of the season.

Oh, and the Flyers lost. They aren't winning game 7. They never win game 7s. That's why they're dead to me. Prove me wrong fellas. Go ahead. I won't mind.

Sixers Reach Into Own Asses, Pull Out Victory

Despite trailing by 13 at halftime, and 15 midway through the 3rd quarter, the Philadelphia 76ers beat a more talented and more experienced Detroit Pistons team in Detroit Sunday night. Coming back from a lead that large is something the Sixers have done a few times this season, though not against a team like Detroit that prides itself on its defense.

The Sixers got excellent performances from Andre Miller and Reggie Evans, as well as strong contributions from Lou Williams and Thaddeus Young. Andre Iguodala finished with 16 points, 9 rebounds and 8 assists, but he didn't shoot well (4-16 from the field) and he had 4 turnovers. Willie Green also played quite well, chipping in 17 points on 7-11 shooting. For the complete box score, click here.

It's only one game, but the Sixers couldn't have asked for a better result. When playing a team as good as Detroit, there aren't going to be any freebies, especially when you consider that the Pistons are no doubt pissed off that this game got away. Still, Pistons coach Flip Saunders gave the Sixers their proper due, saying "We didn't lose this game, they beat us." Very true. Three more to go fellas. Keep up the good work.

What A Beautiful Day For A Ballgame

Oh MAN, it is nice out. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my Friday evening than watching Cole Hamels square off against Johan Santana on a gorgeous Spring night in even more gorgeous South Philly. The Phillies are looking to get over the .500 hump for the first time this season, and who better to get them there than Cole Hamels? No one, that's who. Should be a hell of a game. If you're lucky enough to have tickets, I'll see you there.

Mmmm, baseball.

WOO! WHAT A FUCKING GAME!!!!!

JENKINS WAS TOTALLY OUT! BUT I DON'T CARE! FOUR RUNS IN THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH! WOO HOO!

Baseball. Fuck Yeah.

Oh, and the Flyers won 6-3. Which is cool, I guess.

And both of these happened within like 4 minutes of each other. Definitely the most impressive 4 minutes since Fat Tony flooded Springfield with alcohol after prohibition ended. I couldn't have asked for a better end to my sports evening. Thanks Jebus.

What The Hell Is Going On?

Can someone explain what's going on in Major League Baseball to me? I'm confused. The Tigers are 2-10? The Marlins are 7-5? The ROYALS are 7-5? Oh come on. That can't be right. And yet, it is. Here are your division leaders, as of April 14th, 2008:

NL East: Florida
NL Central: St. Louis.
NL West: Arizona

AL East: Baltimore
AL Central: Chicago
AL West: Oakland

Only one of these makes sense (Arizona). The AL Central in particular looks like someone flipped it completely upside down. (From first to last, Chicago, Kansas City, Minnesota, Cleveland and Detroit.) Now I know it's early. The Tigers aren't going to lose 130 games. The Orioles aren't going to win 75. (Sorry O's fans. Enjoy it now.) And the Marlins won't win the division. (If they do, I'm quitting baseball.) But still. This is ridiculous.

But hey, the Phillies are doing way better than last year, so I guess it's all good. Would be nice if they would actually go over .500 instead of matching it every other game. All it takes is two in a row fellas. With Jimmy back Tuesday night, they should be able to do do that.

(Vigorously knocks on wood.)

Ah baseball. Gotta love that crazy fucking game.

Cole Hamels Is Very Sexy

22 innings pitched and two earned runs eh? That pretty good. He's 2-1 with a 0.82 era, which is, um, good. He's pitching like an ace, which the Phillies need him to do. Let's hope that Myers uses yesterday (8 inning, 3 earned runs) as a platform for better things. The Phillies need him - and all of their pitchers, really - to pitch quite well if they are going to return to the playoffs. Hamels is certainly doing his part.

The Phils are back to .500 - again - and while it's better than they've started in quite a while, it would be nice for them to clear that hurdle and stay above it for good early on. No one in the division is playing well (with the exception of the Marlins) and the Phillies need to take advantage of that. The Mets and Braves wont suck all year.

And, while I'm here, I might as well commend the Flyers for maintaining the status quo and crapping away a muilti-goal, third period lead Friday night. Well done fellas. Never a doubt.

I blame Bobby Clarke.

Jose Reyes Was Totally Out

I call shenanigans. Coste blocked the plate. He was out. Oh well. It's not like they're supposed to win when Adam Eaton pitches. They still won one, and Jimmy didn't play the last two. They'd have to lose 5 more in a row to have an April as crappy as last year. (This is, unfortunately, not impossible.)

Video of the play at home here.

Phillies, Mets Continue Beating Mets

The Phillies beat the Mets today during the last home opener at Shea Staduim, the first time the Phillies have ever beaten the Mets to open a season at Shea. (The Phils are 1-7 in Shea openers.) The ageless Jamie Moyer pitched six solid/semi-shaky innings, allowing 2 runs. I don't know how that old bastard does it. Carlos Delgado, who hit a towering home run off Moyer in the 2nd, also committed a key throwing error in the 7th which allowed the tying run to score, and kept a rally alive.

Jimmy Rollins apparently sprained his ankle. No word yet on how serious it is. Hopefully it isn't serious at all. If it is, well, let's hope Eric Bruntlett doesn't suck. Fingers crossed. Jimmy hasn't missed a game in over a season, and I'm sure the last thing he wants to do is miss one now.

Utley was also hit by a pitch 3 times, tying a major league record. That guy is a baseball magnet. Hopefully he wont break another hand this year. You go to hell John Lannan.

With the win the Phils move within 1/2 a game of first place, behind the, um, Florida Marlins, a team with a payroll lower than A-Rod's. Ah baseball. Gotta love it.

Goodbye Cheap Seats, Forever

As I make my way to Shea Stadium for the last opening day in the history of the venerable dump stadium, I am reminded that there will be one thing at the park today that pre-dates the facility's 1964 structure:



Jamie Moyer, DOB 11/18/62

Playoffs?

Apparently. The Sixers clinched a playoff birth for the first time since I was a wee lad of 20 years. Which is cool, I guess. I mean, it isn't not cool. Thaddeus Young was 6 for 7 from the field and shut down Josh Smith, which isn't easy. He might be a beast sooner rather than later. The Phillies had to go ruin the vibe by losing today, but whatever. If you had told me that the only Philly team to begin it's season in 2007 and not make the playoffs would be the Eagles, I would have looked at you like you were crazy. And you would have been. My world is upside-down right now. But that's cool. I guess. Playoffs. Woo.

Now THAT'S What I Call Poetic Justice

Walk Howard and Utley to load the bases twice will you? Well fuuucccckkk you, Washington Nationals. The Phillies didn't deserve to win this game, but you deserved to win it even less. Jason Werth, who had been inserted as a defensive replacement for Burrell (I'm going to rant about this later, as I have never liked it) looked at four pitches out of the zone with the bases loaded in the bottom of the 10th, as the Phils rallied from a 5-0 deficit early to win 8-7, despite committing 4 errors and pitching like, well, the Phillies.

Oh baseball. You're going to be the death of me.

"Not only do they stink, they're unlucky!"

That's what I yelled when Jimmy Rollins smoked a ball down the first base line to start the ninth inning, only to have Nick Johnson, who was guarding the line, rob him of what would have been at least two bases. Two batters later the Phillies had lost 1-0, shut out by Tim Redding, Luis Ayala and John Rauch. Read that sentence again and try to prevent your head from exploding.

I know it's cold. I know it's early. I know there are still 160 games left to play. And yes, at least Hamels pitched well. But this is the Nationals, for fucks sake. The fucking Nationals. Brett Myers and Cole Hamels lost back to back games to Matt Chico and Tim Redding. The Phillies are once again in an early hole, and find themselves once again in last place in the division in April. I... I can't take much more of this. And yes, this IS Manuel's fault. I have said ever since he got here that he is too laid back. Teams need to be fired up to start a season. I'm not saying he's a bad manager - though I've never thought he was a very good one - but Jesus Charlie, yell at this team! They deserve it.

This team crapped it's way through spring training, only to say on a daily basis that they would be ready when the season started. Well, the season has started, and the Phillies are 0-2. The season isn't over, but it is underway. Last year the Phils laid a giant fucking egg in April and lucked (and, to be fair, played) their way into the playoffs. They wont be so fortunate again.

Get you asses in gear, fellas. For my sake, and your own.

BASEBALLLLLLLLLLL

BASEBALL IS HERE!!!!!!! Thank. Fucking. God. If I had to sit through one more hockey game, I was going to go insane. Nothing against hockey, but I really don't care which team the Flyers will end up losing to in the first round. Ditto for the Sixers. It's baseball season baby. The Nationals just beat the Braves on a Ryan Zimmerman walk off home run. Suck on that, Braves fans! Oh wait, there's no such thing.

And on that note, it's time for my condensed baseball preview in which I make predictions that will make me look stupid in 6 months. Here we go:

NATIONAL LEAGUE:

NL EAST: As much as it pains me to say it, The Mets.
NL CENTRAL: God this division is terrible. Cubbies take it again.
NL WEST: Fuck the Rockies. Arizona will win the division on the strength of their pitching.
NL WILDCARD: The Phillies. But only if Adam Eaton gets hurt.
NL MVP: Chase Utley, Phillies. It's time for the most talented guy on the team to win.
HOME RUN CHAMP: Ryan Howard, Phillies. It's already a two man race between him and Fielder, and I think Prince takes a small step backward this year. Besides, Howard has been killing the ball all spring and he's in great shape. No reason he can't chase 60 again.
BATTING TITLE: Utley. I'm telling you, he's good.
CY YOUNG: You ready for this? I'm going to be bold: Johan Santana, Mets. I know, I know, picking the best pitcher in baseball to win the Cy Young is crazy. But just watch. He's going to do well. And yes, I really, really hope I'm wrong.
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: How the fuck should I know?

NLCS: Phillies over Mets in 6.

AMERICAN LEAGUE:

AL EAST: Boston. Yeah, they're still pretty good.
AL CENTRAL: Detroit. But Cleveland will make it closer than some people think. This one is coming down to the wire.
AL WEST: Another terrible division, save for The Angels, who will win it easily.
AL WILDCARD: The Yankees. Sorry Cleveland, but come on, they're the fucking Yankees.
Al MVP: The trendy pick is Miguel Cabrera (Tigers), and I do think he wins one some day. But the smart money is on A-Rod (Yankees), who will probably repeat.
HOME RUN CHAMP: Richie Sexson, Mariners. Haha. Just kidding. I'm gonna be bold again and say A-Rod.
BATTING TITLE: Ichiro, Mariners. Not kidding this time. He's really good.
CY YOUNG: Justin Verlander, Tigers. He's gotten exponentially better in first two seasons, and that trend won't stop. And with that offense, he could easily win 20 if he stays healthy and sane.
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: Seriously, no one can really predict these things.

ALCS: Tigers over Red Sox in 7.

WORLD SERIES: Same as I predicted last year, Tigers over Phillies, in 6. And yes, I still hope I'm wrong, but only by a little.

Mmmm, baseball. It's here. Thank you Jebus.