Holy SHIT, a lot happened while I was gone. The Gasol trade. The Shaq trade. The fucking Super Bowl. I have thoughts on all of them. I also just got back from Mardi Gras and am fucking exhausted, so I'm going to make it quick.
Gasol: the Lakers stole him, but I can see why Memphis felt the need to move him. They have a lot of young talent, and Kwame's expiring contract will give them more room to make moves. Still, I think they could have gotten more for him, and when Bynum comes back the Lakers are going to be good.
Shaq: great trade for both teams IF Shaq can stay healthy for the playoffs. I think Marion and Wade will mesh well in Miami, and Shaq is the inside presence the Suns have sorely lacked all this time. Sure, Amare is a beast on offense, but Tim Duncan (among others) continually treats him as though Amare just dropped the soap. Also, Shaq has never played with guys like Nash or Amare, and while he isn't SHAQ anymore, he's still, you know, Shaq. NBA, I'm officially interested in the season. Well played.
The Super Bowl: I'm as shocked as you are. Kudos to the Giants. I look forward to the Eagles beating the super Bowl Champs twice next season. As far as the game goes, it was boring until the last quarter, but hey, what a quarter.
Those are my condensed thoughts on the week that was. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to sleep for 15 hours.
Showing posts with label NFL Playoffs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NFL Playoffs. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Final Super Bowl Thoughts
Prediction: Patriots 31, Giants 24, Total number of shits given by me, 0.
This is the last you'll hear from me about the Super Bowl because I'm off to Houston tomorrow, and then to New Orleans for the game and for Mardi Gras, so I won't have time to update this. Zwill might make an appearance, but I promise nothing.
Considering it is indeed the Super Bowl, and I am indeed a sports fan, I feel as though I need to root for someone. At the very least, I need to bet on someone. Last year I bet on the Bears to cover, and that went to shit thanks to the incredible performance of Rex Grossman. Still, I wasn't upset to see Peyton Manning finally get a ring. I don't particularly like Manning, but I don't hate him either.
Eli though... Eli I don't like. Until today I was quite sure I would be rooting for the Giants. The Patriots are, after all, a detestably smug bunch of cheaters. Harrison took HGH. Belichick films things illegally. And Brady? Well, call me a hater if you must, but his life is just too fucking perfect. It really isn't personal - if he were an Eagle, I'd love him, and I am certainly willing to grant him his place in history as an all time great, but he's still a shithead. He just is. To be fair, I do like Randy Moss. But the rest of those fucks? And those fans? Guuuhhhhhhhh. Wonderful. I see your Welker jersey. Now please, fuck off.
How could I possibly root for a team like that to go undefeated? The fans would be even more insufferable than they already are. And then, it hit me: can you imagine Giants fans after a Super Bowl victory in which they knocked off an 18-0 team? Sweet merciful Jesus, they would be awful. Remember, they're (in theory) New Yorkers. They already have the built in sense of entitlement. Say what you will about New York, it is one of the most amazing cities in the world. It is - gasp! - cooler than Philly. Boston isn't. When a Boston fan is acting obnoxious, just ask them which suburb they're from and it shuts them up, at least momentarily. That doesn't work with New York fans. Even if they're from Long Island or Jersey, they still consider themselves New Yorkers, which makes them that much more insufferable. I have considerably more day to day contact with Giants fans than I do Pats fans, and while the Boston fans certainly don't deserve the undefeated season, at least they can't really get any worse. Giants fans? Oh, they can get worse. And believe me, if they win, they will.
There's also the point about the '72 Dolphins, who are a bunch of crusty old windbag shitfarts, but I don't really care about them. That being said, it would be nice to permanently shut them up. They annoy me. And seeing history made would be at least kind of cool, even if it is by a New England team. Love them or hate them, they are one hell of a football team on one hell of a run, and if they lost Sunday, the season would almost feel incomplete. In fact, if they lost, Boston fans might become even more annoying, what with all the whining and everything. I don't need that. So really, this is a tough call.
Either way I'm not going to lose a lot of sleep over the outcome. It is, I suppose, worth pointing out that one of my good friends made a $500 bet with a mutual acquaintance Pats fan when Eli was drafted that Eli would lead the Giants to a Super Bowl title within 10 years. I don't like that Pats fan, but if my buddy does have to pony up the money, I would get to mock him for it. So that's a plus.
I doubt there's much hope of an earthquake engulfing the stadium right after kickoff, so I guess I'll just be stuck rooting for whatever team I end up betting on. Which will depend on how many points are being given.
Ah, fuck it. I can't believe I'm writing this, but go Pats.
No. No, that doesn't feel right. Go Giants.
No. That's wrong too. Fuck.
Go Phillies. There we go. Only 61 days till Opening Day.
This is the last you'll hear from me about the Super Bowl because I'm off to Houston tomorrow, and then to New Orleans for the game and for Mardi Gras, so I won't have time to update this. Zwill might make an appearance, but I promise nothing.
Considering it is indeed the Super Bowl, and I am indeed a sports fan, I feel as though I need to root for someone. At the very least, I need to bet on someone. Last year I bet on the Bears to cover, and that went to shit thanks to the incredible performance of Rex Grossman. Still, I wasn't upset to see Peyton Manning finally get a ring. I don't particularly like Manning, but I don't hate him either.
Eli though... Eli I don't like. Until today I was quite sure I would be rooting for the Giants. The Patriots are, after all, a detestably smug bunch of cheaters. Harrison took HGH. Belichick films things illegally. And Brady? Well, call me a hater if you must, but his life is just too fucking perfect. It really isn't personal - if he were an Eagle, I'd love him, and I am certainly willing to grant him his place in history as an all time great, but he's still a shithead. He just is. To be fair, I do like Randy Moss. But the rest of those fucks? And those fans? Guuuhhhhhhhh. Wonderful. I see your Welker jersey. Now please, fuck off.
How could I possibly root for a team like that to go undefeated? The fans would be even more insufferable than they already are. And then, it hit me: can you imagine Giants fans after a Super Bowl victory in which they knocked off an 18-0 team? Sweet merciful Jesus, they would be awful. Remember, they're (in theory) New Yorkers. They already have the built in sense of entitlement. Say what you will about New York, it is one of the most amazing cities in the world. It is - gasp! - cooler than Philly. Boston isn't. When a Boston fan is acting obnoxious, just ask them which suburb they're from and it shuts them up, at least momentarily. That doesn't work with New York fans. Even if they're from Long Island or Jersey, they still consider themselves New Yorkers, which makes them that much more insufferable. I have considerably more day to day contact with Giants fans than I do Pats fans, and while the Boston fans certainly don't deserve the undefeated season, at least they can't really get any worse. Giants fans? Oh, they can get worse. And believe me, if they win, they will.
There's also the point about the '72 Dolphins, who are a bunch of crusty old windbag shitfarts, but I don't really care about them. That being said, it would be nice to permanently shut them up. They annoy me. And seeing history made would be at least kind of cool, even if it is by a New England team. Love them or hate them, they are one hell of a football team on one hell of a run, and if they lost Sunday, the season would almost feel incomplete. In fact, if they lost, Boston fans might become even more annoying, what with all the whining and everything. I don't need that. So really, this is a tough call.
Either way I'm not going to lose a lot of sleep over the outcome. It is, I suppose, worth pointing out that one of my good friends made a $500 bet with a mutual acquaintance Pats fan when Eli was drafted that Eli would lead the Giants to a Super Bowl title within 10 years. I don't like that Pats fan, but if my buddy does have to pony up the money, I would get to mock him for it. So that's a plus.
I doubt there's much hope of an earthquake engulfing the stadium right after kickoff, so I guess I'll just be stuck rooting for whatever team I end up betting on. Which will depend on how many points are being given.
Ah, fuck it. I can't believe I'm writing this, but go Pats.
No. No, that doesn't feel right. Go Giants.
No. That's wrong too. Fuck.
Go Phillies. There we go. Only 61 days till Opening Day.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
The Giants Are Going To The Super Bowl?
Really? They are? These Giants? The 2007 Giants? The ones that allowed 80 points in their opening two games (both losses)? The Giants that this guy quarterbacks?
Really?
REALLY?
Wow. I was in NYC for the game, and many of my friends who are Giants fans had the same reaction. Sure, they're thrilled, but to say this has exceeded expectations would be like saying Eli is a tad tipsy in the above photo. Zwill (yes, he's still alive) said he thought this was a 6 win team at best. After the first two games this season I was convinced this was a bottom 5 team. Now, 17 games and 10 straight road wins later, this team is playing in the Super Bowl. Man, you gotta love the NFC. I will have more thoughts on the big game later. For now, there's one other thing I need to address.
While I hate to admit it, I agree with Angelo Cataldi. PAY. RYAN. FUCKING. HOWARD. PAY HIM NOW AND DO NOT STOP PAYING HIM UNTIL HE RETIRES. This, oh shortsighted and cheap owners of the Phillies, is NOT negotiable. I understand that he is only a third year player and not eligible for free agency until 2011. You know what? I don't give a fuck. He's 28, not 25. The only reason he doesn't have three more years of big league experience is because you shitfucks failed to realize his talent.
I remember going to a Reading Phillies game during the summer of 2004 and seeing some huge black dude swat two monstrous home runs and a double for a cool 5 RBIs. I turned to one of my buddies and said, "Who the fuck is Ryan Howard?" Now I know. If you continue to lowball this man until 2011, do you really think he's going to forget it? I wouldn't. If he ever plays for another team, it will be devastating to the Phillies for the indefinite future, possibly forever. That new generation of fans - you know, the ones even younger than I am - that the Phillies have established over the last two years, thanks in large part to Ryan Howard hitting over 100 homeruns over that span, would be crushed. It would be like letting Babe Ruth go to the Yankees. Is Howard as good as Babe Ruth? No. He isn't even the best player on his team. But he is, all things considered, the most important. And you don't let guys like that walk away and expect to not suffer the consequences. Pay the man. Pay him a lot. And then let us never speak of this again.
Really?
REALLY?
Wow. I was in NYC for the game, and many of my friends who are Giants fans had the same reaction. Sure, they're thrilled, but to say this has exceeded expectations would be like saying Eli is a tad tipsy in the above photo. Zwill (yes, he's still alive) said he thought this was a 6 win team at best. After the first two games this season I was convinced this was a bottom 5 team. Now, 17 games and 10 straight road wins later, this team is playing in the Super Bowl. Man, you gotta love the NFC. I will have more thoughts on the big game later. For now, there's one other thing I need to address.
While I hate to admit it, I agree with Angelo Cataldi. PAY. RYAN. FUCKING. HOWARD. PAY HIM NOW AND DO NOT STOP PAYING HIM UNTIL HE RETIRES. This, oh shortsighted and cheap owners of the Phillies, is NOT negotiable. I understand that he is only a third year player and not eligible for free agency until 2011. You know what? I don't give a fuck. He's 28, not 25. The only reason he doesn't have three more years of big league experience is because you shitfucks failed to realize his talent.
I remember going to a Reading Phillies game during the summer of 2004 and seeing some huge black dude swat two monstrous home runs and a double for a cool 5 RBIs. I turned to one of my buddies and said, "Who the fuck is Ryan Howard?" Now I know. If you continue to lowball this man until 2011, do you really think he's going to forget it? I wouldn't. If he ever plays for another team, it will be devastating to the Phillies for the indefinite future, possibly forever. That new generation of fans - you know, the ones even younger than I am - that the Phillies have established over the last two years, thanks in large part to Ryan Howard hitting over 100 homeruns over that span, would be crushed. It would be like letting Babe Ruth go to the Yankees. Is Howard as good as Babe Ruth? No. He isn't even the best player on his team. But he is, all things considered, the most important. And you don't let guys like that walk away and expect to not suffer the consequences. Pay the man. Pay him a lot. And then let us never speak of this again.
Monday, January 14, 2008
This Is Fantastic
I can't believe I didn't see this until 3 AM. He threw McNabb under the bus after the Super Bowl but he's crying for Tony Romo? Good fucking Christ. I could really get used to the Tony Romo era in Dallas if every season is going to end with spectacular failure. Enjoy the clip, which comes to you via KSK.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Oops
Maybe the Colts aren't going to win the Super Bowl after all. Oh well. I guess it'll be the Pats. I certainly can't see the Chargers beating them, but hey, that's what I said about the Colts, so who knows. By the way, what were the odds that Billy Volek would score the game winning touchdown for the Chargers? 800 billion to one? Higher? They were probably about the same as the odds of the Giants playing in the NFC Championship game when the season started. Whatever. I'm just glad the Cowboys lost. Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahahahaha. Fuck Dallas.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Playoff Picks, Round 2
Last week I was 2-2, though I WAS 3-1 against the spread. Whatever. Kickoff is in 2 hours and I need to make this quick.
Seattle at Green Bay: I'm STILL not sold on the Packers, the number 2 seed in the NFC (what a shitty conference!) but the Seahawks are even worse. Shaun Alexander, you can die a slow, painful, embarrassingly homosexual death, a la Vito Spatafore. And Hasselbeck, you can go to hell too. Not because you aren't good, but because I drafted Phillip Rivers instead of you on my fantasy team. Fuck Phillip Rivers. And fuck you for being bald. If you had hair, I probably would have trusted you more and drafted you. Green Bay wins, and the Favre Fellatio continues for at least another week.
Jacksonville at New England: Yeah, the Jags match up well against the Pats, but they didn't look too impressive against the Steelers. If it weren't for a botched holding call on 4th down, we'd be talking about how badly the Steelers would lose tot he Pats. (BADLY.) Anyway, are you really going to take David Garrard against Tom Brady and Bill Belichick at home? I'm not. Pats cruise to the AFC championship.
N.Y. Giants at Dallas: Well, everyone and their mother is picking Eli and his "road warrior" Giants on the road, and not without due cause. The Cowboys haven't looked that good since the Green Bay game. T.O. is banged up (though I think he plays and plays well). Romo's IQ is dropping by association due to his blond love interest. No, not Joe Buck. Her. And the Giants are playing well. Also, this is the third time these teams are meeting this season. They know each other. Either way, it will be close. I hate both of these teams, and nothing would make me happier than a Dallas loss, but I don't think it happens this week. The Cowboys win a thoroughly entertaining game.
San Diego at Indianapolis: Norv Turner and Phillip Rivers against Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning? Ha. Ha ha. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yeah. Fucking. Right. This will be the least close of the games this weekend. Indy will win handily. Remember, they DID win 13 of their first 15 games. And yes, one of those 2 losses was to the Chargers, but had Vinatieri made a relatively close field goal with less than 2 minutes left, they would have won. I'm going on the record now and saying I think the Colts win the Super Bowl.
That'll do it for now. Enjoy the games.
Seattle at Green Bay: I'm STILL not sold on the Packers, the number 2 seed in the NFC (what a shitty conference!) but the Seahawks are even worse. Shaun Alexander, you can die a slow, painful, embarrassingly homosexual death, a la Vito Spatafore. And Hasselbeck, you can go to hell too. Not because you aren't good, but because I drafted Phillip Rivers instead of you on my fantasy team. Fuck Phillip Rivers. And fuck you for being bald. If you had hair, I probably would have trusted you more and drafted you. Green Bay wins, and the Favre Fellatio continues for at least another week.
Jacksonville at New England: Yeah, the Jags match up well against the Pats, but they didn't look too impressive against the Steelers. If it weren't for a botched holding call on 4th down, we'd be talking about how badly the Steelers would lose tot he Pats. (BADLY.) Anyway, are you really going to take David Garrard against Tom Brady and Bill Belichick at home? I'm not. Pats cruise to the AFC championship.
N.Y. Giants at Dallas: Well, everyone and their mother is picking Eli and his "road warrior" Giants on the road, and not without due cause. The Cowboys haven't looked that good since the Green Bay game. T.O. is banged up (though I think he plays and plays well). Romo's IQ is dropping by association due to his blond love interest. No, not Joe Buck. Her. And the Giants are playing well. Also, this is the third time these teams are meeting this season. They know each other. Either way, it will be close. I hate both of these teams, and nothing would make me happier than a Dallas loss, but I don't think it happens this week. The Cowboys win a thoroughly entertaining game.
San Diego at Indianapolis: Norv Turner and Phillip Rivers against Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning? Ha. Ha ha. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yeah. Fucking. Right. This will be the least close of the games this weekend. Indy will win handily. Remember, they DID win 13 of their first 15 games. And yes, one of those 2 losses was to the Chargers, but had Vinatieri made a relatively close field goal with less than 2 minutes left, they would have won. I'm going on the record now and saying I think the Colts win the Super Bowl.
That'll do it for now. Enjoy the games.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Jeff Garcia Does It Again
For the third time in his career, Jeff Garcia led his team past the Giants in the playoffs, outplaying Eli Manning en route to an easy victory for the Bucs. This of course will validate the opinion of many in Philadelphia that Eagles should have resigned the 37 year old quarterback despite having a younger, more talented QB on their roster. Yes, after watching his virtuoso performance today in Florida, one has to wonder why the Eagles didn't resign Garcia. Good luck in Dallas next week Jeff.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Playoff Picks
This is not against the spread. Just who I think will win. I'll be doing this every week through the Super Bowl. Let's get it on.
Saturday:
-Washington at Seattle: The Seahawks aren't very good. Neither are the Redskins. Gotta love the NFC. Seattle is very good at home, and I like Matt Hasselbeck more than Todd Collins. Seattle wins a boring game.
-Jacksonville at Pittsburgh: Contrary to popular belief, the Jags did not blow the Steelers out last time. Also, everyone and their mother is picking the Jags. Not a good sign. Pittsburgh wins at home.
Sunday:
-N.Y. Giants at Tampa Bay: I'm not terribly sold on the Bucs, but the Giants stink. (Again, gotta love the NFC.) It's Eli Manning people. He may never win a playoff game. The Bucs outplay one of the worst 10 win teams of all time.
-Tennessee at San Diego: There's a chance Kerry Collins starts this game. Yikes. Norv isn't going to blow this one. San Diego wins easily.
Ah, playoff football. Even without the Eagles, I still love you. Enjoy the weekend.
Saturday:
-Washington at Seattle: The Seahawks aren't very good. Neither are the Redskins. Gotta love the NFC. Seattle is very good at home, and I like Matt Hasselbeck more than Todd Collins. Seattle wins a boring game.
-Jacksonville at Pittsburgh: Contrary to popular belief, the Jags did not blow the Steelers out last time. Also, everyone and their mother is picking the Jags. Not a good sign. Pittsburgh wins at home.
Sunday:
-N.Y. Giants at Tampa Bay: I'm not terribly sold on the Bucs, but the Giants stink. (Again, gotta love the NFC.) It's Eli Manning people. He may never win a playoff game. The Bucs outplay one of the worst 10 win teams of all time.
-Tennessee at San Diego: There's a chance Kerry Collins starts this game. Yikes. Norv isn't going to blow this one. San Diego wins easily.
Ah, playoff football. Even without the Eagles, I still love you. Enjoy the weekend.
Monday, February 5, 2007
The Super Bowlog
3:13 - Roll out of bed
3:14 - Shower
3:23 - Emerge from shower in all my immaculate glory. Brush teeth.
3:25 - Resist urge to rub one out.
3:27 - Pregame weigh-in: 186. My goal for the end of the night: 200.
3:37 - Pregame dump. Probably should have done the weigh-in after that. Oh well.
3:46 - Figuring out what I'm doing for the game.
4:00 - Breakfast. Corn muffins and cashews. Sweet.
4:19 - Watch some of the "Kitty Halftime Show" for the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet. It's a bunch of kittens playing with stuff. The sleazy music makes it work.
4:30 - Application of pants to my person.
4:33 - Put on my Barcelona jersey. Yes, I'm wearing a soccer jersey for the Super Bowl. I'm that cool.
4:34 - Resist the urge tor rub one out.
4:45 - Attack the pregame spread my parents have out. Shrimp. Cheese. Crackers. Grapes? Whatever, I'm there.
4:50 - Beer # 1
5:06 - Plans take shape. Looks the Venetian club for the 1st half.
5:24 - Beer #2. Fosters, Australian for delicious.
5:48 - My chariot arrives. McNoggs and Speedy have a Super Bowl Special already prepared. I humbly decline to partake.
5:58 - Arrive at the V.
6:02 - Lager.
6:06 - Phil Simms says "The Bears' system doesn't allow the QB to have great numbers." Yeah, that, or Grossman's lack of ability.
6:12 - Indy comes out to "Baba O'Riley", a song by a British band. Not a good sign.
6:14 - Urlacher looks ready to eat someone. I have $$$ on the Bears covering. Good sign.
6:17 - National anthem. Billy Joel looks drunk. Sounds it too. Jesus he's bald.
6:23 - Coin toss, Bears win. They choose to receive, which Speedy and I agree violates all Madden protocol.
6:26 - Kickoff. Here we go.
6:27 - Devin "Go Ahead, I Fucking Dare You" Hester takes the kick to the house. Wow. He's good.
6:30 - Manning's 1st pass almost picked.
6:33 - Manning's 2nd pass almost picked.
6:37 - Manning's 4th pass IS picked. Uh-oh.
6:39 - Grossman makes terrible throw # 1. Bold prediction: defense will win this game.
6:41 - Time to attack the spread the V has out, which is impressive. Roast beef and provolone sandwich # 1.
6:42 - McNoggs attacks the spread as well, clearly inspired by my sandwich.
6:45 - Lager.
6:47 - Touchdown Reggie Wayne. How he got that open I have no idea.
6:48 - Missed extra point. If the colts fail to cover by a point, someone is going to kill Adam Vinatieri.
6:51 - Kickoff. Fumble. Colts ball. Oh shit.
6:52 - Botched handoff. Fumble. Bears ball. Oh shit.
6:53 - Thomas Jones breaks a 50 yarder.
6:55 - Touchdown Bears. 14-6.
7:05 - Benson fumbles, Colts ball. This is getting ridiculous.
7:07 - Wow, that was a bad throw Peyton.
7:09 - 4th and 3 inside the other teams 40 - GO FOR IT! Pussies. Still, punt works well, Grossman now has to go 96 yards. Something tells me that isn't happening.
7:11 - Benson is hurt. Time for sammich #2. Delicious.
7:16 - Godaddy commercial featuring lots of T&A. Resist urge to rub one out.
7:22 - Lager.
7:25 - Grammys commercial. Funniest so far. They used their entire budget to pay for that ad. Don't they realize that no one watching the Super Bowl is going to watch the Grammys?
7:34 - Touchdown Colts. They take their 1st lead. Can Sexy Rexy answer?
7:41 - Nope. Punt. Colts ball.
7:50 - Colts driving. Fumble. Bears recover.
7:51 - Botched snap, Colts recover. Wow. Way to go Rexy.
7:56 - Icing the kicker doesn't work. Idiots.
7:57 - Vinatieri misses the field goal! It worked! Geniuses!
7:58 - Halftime.
8:07 - Pick up 6 packs, head to Headbutt's house for the 2nd half.
8:30 - Arrive at Headbutt's.
8:31 - Lager.
8:37 - Headbutt is obnoxiously talking shit as usual. He has money on the Colts and the Over (48), plus Ben is a Bears fan, giving Headbutt more reason to be loud.
8:38 - Did Dungy really just challenge that? Re-tarded.
8:42 - Vinatieri makes the kick, but 743 Indianapolis fans had simultaneous coronaries.
8:48 - Grossman is sacked, loses approximately 43 yards.
8:49 - Grossman loses another 23 yards.
8:57 - Lager.
9:01 - Hilarious K-Fed commercial.
9:05 - Desmond Clark breaks up a would-be interception, possibly saves game for Bears.
9:06 - Gould makes the kick. The Bears look good to cover, but there is still plenty of time.
9:17 - Wings. The march towards 200 continues.
9:20 - Harrison twists his knee. Someone yells out "That would have hurt Gumby!". Classic.
9:24 - Oh Rexy, that was a bad throw. Interception, touchdown Colts.
9:25 - Challenge. Lager.
9:26 - Play stands, and it should have. Fuck. Cover not looking so good.
9:33 - Oh Rexy, that was a bad throw. Interception.
9:50 - The Bears aren't covering. Fuck. Oh well.
9:54 - Lager.
9:59 - Colts win. Vinatieri's missed field goal would have given Headbutt the over and a lot of money. Instead he broke even. He is not pleased. Meanwhile, swine everywhere are sprouting wings and Satan reaches for a scarf as Peyton "Half Donkey, Half" Manning has that "I'm finally going to lose my virginity!" look on his face. He will now be in every commercial ever made until he is dead. If he ever dies. I'm pretty convinced he's actually a robot. So we'll see. My night didn't end here, but my documentation of it did. All in all, a pretty enjoyable game.
3:14 - Shower
3:23 - Emerge from shower in all my immaculate glory. Brush teeth.
3:25 - Resist urge to rub one out.
3:27 - Pregame weigh-in: 186. My goal for the end of the night: 200.
3:37 - Pregame dump. Probably should have done the weigh-in after that. Oh well.
3:46 - Figuring out what I'm doing for the game.
4:00 - Breakfast. Corn muffins and cashews. Sweet.
4:19 - Watch some of the "Kitty Halftime Show" for the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet. It's a bunch of kittens playing with stuff. The sleazy music makes it work.
4:30 - Application of pants to my person.
4:33 - Put on my Barcelona jersey. Yes, I'm wearing a soccer jersey for the Super Bowl. I'm that cool.
4:34 - Resist the urge tor rub one out.
4:45 - Attack the pregame spread my parents have out. Shrimp. Cheese. Crackers. Grapes? Whatever, I'm there.
4:50 - Beer # 1
5:06 - Plans take shape. Looks the Venetian club for the 1st half.
5:24 - Beer #2. Fosters, Australian for delicious.
5:48 - My chariot arrives. McNoggs and Speedy have a Super Bowl Special already prepared. I humbly decline to partake.
5:58 - Arrive at the V.
6:02 - Lager.
6:06 - Phil Simms says "The Bears' system doesn't allow the QB to have great numbers." Yeah, that, or Grossman's lack of ability.
6:12 - Indy comes out to "Baba O'Riley", a song by a British band. Not a good sign.
6:14 - Urlacher looks ready to eat someone. I have $$$ on the Bears covering. Good sign.
6:17 - National anthem. Billy Joel looks drunk. Sounds it too. Jesus he's bald.
6:23 - Coin toss, Bears win. They choose to receive, which Speedy and I agree violates all Madden protocol.
6:26 - Kickoff. Here we go.
6:27 - Devin "Go Ahead, I Fucking Dare You" Hester takes the kick to the house. Wow. He's good.
6:30 - Manning's 1st pass almost picked.
6:33 - Manning's 2nd pass almost picked.
6:37 - Manning's 4th pass IS picked. Uh-oh.
6:39 - Grossman makes terrible throw # 1. Bold prediction: defense will win this game.
6:41 - Time to attack the spread the V has out, which is impressive. Roast beef and provolone sandwich # 1.
6:42 - McNoggs attacks the spread as well, clearly inspired by my sandwich.
6:45 - Lager.
6:47 - Touchdown Reggie Wayne. How he got that open I have no idea.
6:48 - Missed extra point. If the colts fail to cover by a point, someone is going to kill Adam Vinatieri.
6:51 - Kickoff. Fumble. Colts ball. Oh shit.
6:52 - Botched handoff. Fumble. Bears ball. Oh shit.
6:53 - Thomas Jones breaks a 50 yarder.
6:55 - Touchdown Bears. 14-6.
7:05 - Benson fumbles, Colts ball. This is getting ridiculous.
7:07 - Wow, that was a bad throw Peyton.
7:09 - 4th and 3 inside the other teams 40 - GO FOR IT! Pussies. Still, punt works well, Grossman now has to go 96 yards. Something tells me that isn't happening.
7:11 - Benson is hurt. Time for sammich #2. Delicious.
7:16 - Godaddy commercial featuring lots of T&A. Resist urge to rub one out.
7:22 - Lager.
7:25 - Grammys commercial. Funniest so far. They used their entire budget to pay for that ad. Don't they realize that no one watching the Super Bowl is going to watch the Grammys?
7:34 - Touchdown Colts. They take their 1st lead. Can Sexy Rexy answer?
7:41 - Nope. Punt. Colts ball.
7:50 - Colts driving. Fumble. Bears recover.
7:51 - Botched snap, Colts recover. Wow. Way to go Rexy.
7:56 - Icing the kicker doesn't work. Idiots.
7:57 - Vinatieri misses the field goal! It worked! Geniuses!
7:58 - Halftime.
8:07 - Pick up 6 packs, head to Headbutt's house for the 2nd half.
8:30 - Arrive at Headbutt's.
8:31 - Lager.
8:37 - Headbutt is obnoxiously talking shit as usual. He has money on the Colts and the Over (48), plus Ben is a Bears fan, giving Headbutt more reason to be loud.
8:38 - Did Dungy really just challenge that? Re-tarded.
8:42 - Vinatieri makes the kick, but 743 Indianapolis fans had simultaneous coronaries.
8:48 - Grossman is sacked, loses approximately 43 yards.
8:49 - Grossman loses another 23 yards.
8:57 - Lager.
9:01 - Hilarious K-Fed commercial.
9:05 - Desmond Clark breaks up a would-be interception, possibly saves game for Bears.
9:06 - Gould makes the kick. The Bears look good to cover, but there is still plenty of time.
9:17 - Wings. The march towards 200 continues.
9:20 - Harrison twists his knee. Someone yells out "That would have hurt Gumby!". Classic.
9:24 - Oh Rexy, that was a bad throw. Interception, touchdown Colts.
9:25 - Challenge. Lager.
9:26 - Play stands, and it should have. Fuck. Cover not looking so good.
9:33 - Oh Rexy, that was a bad throw. Interception.
9:50 - The Bears aren't covering. Fuck. Oh well.
9:54 - Lager.
9:59 - Colts win. Vinatieri's missed field goal would have given Headbutt the over and a lot of money. Instead he broke even. He is not pleased. Meanwhile, swine everywhere are sprouting wings and Satan reaches for a scarf as Peyton "Half Donkey, Half" Manning has that "I'm finally going to lose my virginity!" look on his face. He will now be in every commercial ever made until he is dead. If he ever dies. I'm pretty convinced he's actually a robot. So we'll see. My night didn't end here, but my documentation of it did. All in all, a pretty enjoyable game.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Only 63 Days Till Opening Day
Baseball. Fuck yeah. What's that? The Super Bowl is a week away? Well fuck that. Sure, I'm going to get obnoxiously drunk while watching it, and chances are I'm going to grope some things, but I won't actually care about the outcome. As a Philadelphian, my season ended twice.
First it ended when Donovan McNabb, pusher of all things chunky, suffered a seaon ending knee injury. Then Jeff "Wait, T.O. thinks I'm gay?!" Garcia has the nerve to rip off 6 straight wins, including a playoff game against Giants - suck it Kaufman - only to have some fat, mustacioed, overrated sack of giblets posing as a head coach sheepishly punt the season away. Were they probably going to convert 4th and 15? Of course not. But grow a pair and try anyway, the season was on the line. You fat fuck. And no, I'm not bitter.
ANYWAY, back to my original point - with the Eagles' season over, the Sixers playing comically bad basketball, and the Flyers having been dead to me since 2001, the Phils have center stage. Utley signed an extension. Ryan Howard will hit no less than 94 home runs. Brett Myers will only beat his wife in private. It truly is baseball season, and this is our year.
Unless, you know, it isn't. I mean, it's the fucking Phillies.
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