Lenny Dykstra Did 'Roids?

Really? And have you heard John Kruk liked hot dogs? And that Allen Iverson has tattoos? And Donovan McNabb is black! Really!

I mean, duhhhh... We didn't love Nails because he hit 16 homeruns in '93. We love Nails because he was balls to the fucking wall, day in, day out. It's the exact opposite of the Clemens situation. Even if he were clean, no on would love him. Because he's a fucking asshole.

Some names were surprises though, but on the whole, Bud Selig needs to be punished for this. God I hate him. More thoughts on the report later. (Maybe.)

In Defense of Barry Bonds

Look, let me say this immediately - I don't like Barry Bonds. He's a dick. Always has been, always will be. These recent developments, however, are a tad over the top. He's being indicted for perjury? Really? Are you going to indite Rafael Palmeiro too? What about Mark "I'm not here to talk about the past" McGwire? (I always loved how he was allowed to get away with saying that WHEN HE WAS APPEARING IN FRONT OF CONGRESS TO DISCUSS HIS PAST!) Good grief. What about Sammy "I suddenly don't speak English" Sosa?

You're going to punish Bonds - because he just happened to be a better baseball player than those guys - and not them? You're going to punish him for not being friendly to the media? Yo, fuck that.

You want to take away his record (if that's even possible)? Fine. No one who actually cares about baseball considers him the "Home Run King". (A couple days ago the headline in the paper read "Home Run King Indicted" and my immediate reaction was "Hank Aaron was indicted?") You want to essentially force him into retirement? Done.

You want to render all of his accomplishments on the baseball diamond worthless? Beyond done. But you want to put him in jail? Come on now. That isn't fair.

If you ask me, this whole thing just REEKS of Monica Lewinsky. No, it doesn't smell like cheeseburgers and dick. I didn't mean it literally. I mean it sounds just like the whole scandal that wasted God only knows how much of our time and money. Did the president get freaky with a fat intern? Yup. Was it any of our fucking business? HELL. FUCKING. NO. That's my problem with perjury: if you have no business asking the question, I don't have to answer it truthfully.

Now, with Bonds it is a little different. We do have a right, as baseball fans, to know if he used performance enhancing drugs. However, at the time of use, he wasn't violating the rules of baseball. Just like Clinton wasn't breaking any laws by letting a fatty schlob his knob. Both Bonds and Clinton were being asked questions they should not have had to answer. Baseball had Barry's test results. He didn't need to go on the stand. And he certainly shouldn't be sent to jail for trying to save his image. Do you really think anyone in the world is more upset about this than Bonds? Not a chance. This is especially upsetting for him (and sad for baseball fans) because he would have been a shoo in for the Hall based on his natural ability alone.

Now? That's all gone. He might get into the Hall of Fame someday, but it will be a pretty vacant honor. The one thing Bonds always had going for him was the respect of true baseball fans, love him or hate him. That's gone now too. And it's never coming back. Do we really need to waste a prison cell (and plenty of taxpayer dollars) on this guy? No. We don't.

Now, if you want to lock Bud Selig up for a while, hey, I'm all for it.

The Vast Majority of the World's Current Problems Can Be Blamed on Bud Selig

Now, I know what you're thinking: Bud Selig is a worthless piece of shit, but surely tragedies like Katrina and the Iraq War (yes, at this point our involvement has reached tragic proportions - if you feel otherwise feel free to send your explanation to 3,000+ American families and countless more Iraqis) can't be blamed on Bud, right? WRONG. It's all his fault. Let me break it down for you.

The year was 1992. Biggie and Pac were still alive. The Lions weren't the laughingstock of the NFL. The New Commander-in-Chief was just beginning to realize he could stick his dick anywhere he pleased, including ugly women and fat chicks. And a group of crude, lovable, mullet-sporting drunks were one year away from representing the National League in the World Series. All was right in the world. (Except for the part about the Lions.) And then, things started to go awry, especially for baseball.

It should be noted that, at this time, a certain slack-jawed yokel was running the Texas Rangers (into the ground). It was in 1992 that then-current commissioner Fay Vincent resigned after an 18-9 no confidence vote by the owners, led by Big Bad Bud himself. Shortly thereafter, Selig assumed the role of acting commissioner, a role he kept until 1998, when he was officially made The Commish.

It should also be noted that in 1992, the same aforementioned slack-jawed yokel wanted to be the commissioner of Major League Baseball. But the owners went with Selig instead, eventually leading to G-Dubs running for (and becoming) Governor of Texas in 1994. All Selig did in 1994 was preside over a players strike that began on my 10th birthday and did irreparable damage to my childhood. Fuck you, Bud Selig.

Now, had George W. Bush become the commissioner of baseball, I think he would have done a pretty good job. I don't think he would have let a strike happen and I know he would not have tolerated steroids. I'm pretty sure he had multiple people in Texas executed for farting in church. Do you really think he would have allowed illegal drug use to run rampant throughout America's pastime, culminating in Ed Bighead breaking Hank Aaron's all-time homerun record? Aw hell naw. He would not have stood for that. (And yes, I did just shamelessly self-promote in that link. Deal with it.)

And, not only would baseball be in better shape, but more importantly, someone other than Dick Che- er, George W Bush would be the current president! Everybody wins! Except Dick Cheney. But you know what? Fuck him. And fuck Bud Selig. This is all his fault.

They Call Him "Chipper"...

Chipper Jones, excuse me - Laaaaaarrrrryyyyyyyyy - was recently overheard whining about having to play the Red Sox every year in interleague play while other teams in the NL face easier, non AL East competition. Well Larry, I gotta say, you have a legit complaint. But it needs some fine tuning. Interleague play is only unfair when the American League team is the home team. Why? Because then the NL team is forced to start a player who would otherwise not be a starter as the designated hitter.

Yes, designated hitter, the two dirtiest words in baseball, with the obvious exception of "Canseco's needle". (We all know where that thing has been. Yikes.) The designated hitter is stupid. It cheapens the game. It creates a disparity between leagues. And it fucks up fantasy baseball rosters everywhere.

Bud Selig, blubbering spineless vagina that he is, needs to get rid of the DH once and for all. Players such as David Ortiz and Travis Hafner will still be able to find work, trust me on that one. And as for guys like Frank Thomas and Mike Piazza who have been able to extend their careers by only playing offense, well, tough shit fellas. You can't field any more? Retire. Go out with some dignity, a word that is now rarely associated with out once glorious national pastime.

And as for you Larry, stop worrying about interleague play. Think of the fans in Atlanta who wouldn't otherwise get to see - hmm, "the fans in Atlanta" is setting off all kinds of red flags with my word processor's built in grammar check. It might have something to do with the phrase being an oxymoron. Whatever, bad example. Personally I like getting the chance to see the Phils play the Yankees or the Red Sox, even if it does mean they're probably going to get shellacked. It's a whole new set of players for me to heckle. And that dear Larry, is what makes it all worthwhile.