Tom Brady's Injury Is Proof That God Loves Us And Wants Us To Be Happy

I mean, wow. Wow wow wow. What a weekend. Tom Brady throws three passes and gets his ACL torn. Yes, there is a god. And He is a just god, because boy did Boston deserve this, those arrogant fucking pricks.

In additon to that game, which was glorious, the Eagles beat the shit out of the Rams (who looked terrible), the Phillies took two of three from the Mets (although I was at the loss Sunday night, which was the 2nd time I've seen Santana beat Hamels this season) the Panthers shocked the Chargers, and Brett Favre was, well, Brett Favre.

Now back to Brady. I mean, this is just fantastic. And yes, I am absolutely chugging haterade right now. This team isn't even guaranteed a playoff spot now (though I'm sure they'll get one). To be fair, Matt Cassell looked competent, but he WAS playing the Chiefs. I just really hope a 7-9 season is in the works, even if it means the continual fellation of the first place, Brett Favre led Jets. That's how much I hate the Patriots. Thank you Jebus. This weekend has been divine.

Chase Utley Is Awesome, Josh Hamilton Is Good At Hitting Baseballs, Billy Wagner And J.D. Drew Can Rot in the Firiest Pits Of Hell

Hmm, it's a been a little while since I've posted anything. Sorry about that. Anyway, if for whatever reason you haven't seen how Chase Utley really feels about being booed, here it is:



Also, Josh Hamilton's display of 28 home runs in the first round was pretty damn impressive, but then he had to go and lose all anticlimactically. And then he STILL had to go thank his lord and savior. Guhhhh. If he really thinks Jesus is the reason he is where he is today, that's super, but please, spare me the preaching. I don't go telling everyone about that talking cat named Mittens that convinced me to stop strangling hookers.

And of course J.D. Drew had to be the MVP of an All Star game that a Phillie lost. At least Lidge didn't blow a lead like Wagner. Got I hate Billy Wagner. And J.D. Drew. They're both on the short list of people that would make me smile if they got hit by a bus.

Brett Favre has also worked his way onto that list. More on that tomorrow. Now I need to head to work.

All Star Game Thoughts, Part 2

Yesterday I went over who is starting for the American League as well as who should be starting. Today I will do the same for the National League. Let's get right to it.

(All Stats as of July 6th.)

Catcher: Geovany Soto, Cubs. .289/15/52. I think the difference between Soto and Brian McCann (Braves - .293/15/48) is small enough that the fact that Soto's team is in 1st place should give him the nod. Pretty crappy year for catchers across the majors.

1st Base: Lance Berkman, Astros. .349/22/70/74 R/.437 OBP. Berkman is having a phenomenal year and is the clear choice here despite a strong class of NL 1st baseman.

2nd Base: Chase Utley, Phillies. .294/25/68. Utley is having a typically superb year and deserves to start, but it's a lot closer than I would have imagined due to the excellent play of Dan Uggla (Marlins - .289/23/58).

3rd Base: Chipper Jones, Braves. .388/18/50/.485 OBP. As much as I hate Larry, he's a hell of a baseball player having a hell of a year. No argument here.

Shortstop: Hanley Ramirez, Marlins. .303/21/43/21 SB. Ramirez is also the clear choice in a down year for shortstops. Still no complaints so far with the fans choices, but I may have spoken too soon...

Outfield: Ryan Braun, Brewers, (.284/21/59). Alfonso Soriano, Cubs, (.283/15/40). Kosuke Fukudome, Cubs, (.287/7/35). Ah, here we go. Now I have some complaints. Braun is fine, he's having a good year when most NL outfielders aren't. Soriano shouldn't be starting, but I don't have a problem with him being on the team. Fukudome is a different matter. His numbers are above average, sure. But starting an All Star game? You've got to be kidding. He shouldn't even be on the team. So who else should be starting? Well, two guys who are eligible for the final spot, Carlos Lee (Astros - .292/20/70) and Pat Burrell (Phillies - .278/22/54/.410 OBP). The fact that one of these guys isn't going to make the team is ridiculous when you've got guys like Fukudome and Ryan Ludwick occupying spots. And yes, I understand that the suggested starting outfield of Carlos Lee, Ryan Braun and Pat Burrell might be the worst defensive outfield of all time, but so what? It's a fucking all star game.

As for the designated hitter, just put Pujols there and let Adrian Gonzalez be the first sub at 1st base.

All right, I've said my peace. As usual, I'm right. But hey, that's why they pay me the big bucks.

Blind Homerism Carries 7 Cubs, Red Sox, To All Star Game

Yes, Cubs and Red Sox fans have voted 7 players in from each of their respective teams. Of those 14 players, 7 were voted in as starters, and at least one of them even deserves to start! Which one? That will be revealed shortly as I go position by position. Let' start with the American League, which I'm sure will find a way to win despite having what seems like a vastly inferior roster. The fans' choices will appear first, and if I disagree, the player I think should be starting will follow.

(All stats are as of July 5th)

Catcher: Joe Mauer, Twins. .325/4/37.415 OBP. I have no problem with this. He's hitting .325, and no other catcher in the AL is putting up numbers worthy of supplanting him here.

1st Base: Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox. .310/13/53. Youkilis is having a fine season, but Justin Morneau (Twins - .307/12/65) is having a better one. Not exactly a banner year for AL 1st baseman though.

2nd Base: Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox. .312/9/39/60 R/9 SB. Pedroia is another fine young player, but the fact that Ian Kinsler (Rangers - .332/14/53/79 R/23 SB) isn't starting here is a damn shame. Kinsler is having what is easily the best season of any AL 2nd baseman and deserves to start.

3rd Base: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees. .320/17/49/.407 OBP. Despite missing a couple weeks, A-Rod is having a typically swell season and deserves to start. His competition isn't exactly fierce either, as the only other 3B on the AL roster is Joe Crede (Withe Sox - .261/15/47).

Shortstop: Derek Jeter, Yankees. .280/4/36. These are probably the worst numbers Jeter has ever had at this point in the season, which says a lot about his career. Michael Young (Rangers - .292/7/46) is having a better year, but whatever. The game is in Yankee Stadium and it's Derek Jeter.

Outfield: Josh Hamilton, Rangers, (.309/19/84). Ichiro Suzuki, Mariners, (.303/3/21/61 R/34 SB). Manny Ramirez, Red Sox (.279/16/53). Hamilton is a no-brainer. Ichiro will be voted in as a starter 3 years after he's dead. And Manny... well, you could argue that Carlos Quentin (White Sox - .273/19/61) is having a better season - and he is - but Manny hit his 500th home run this season, he's having a pretty good year, and whatever, he's Manny. Quentin is only 25. He'll get his chance.

Designated Hitter: David Ortiz, Red Sox (.252/13/43). Ortiz is hurt and wont be able to play. He will be replaced by Milton Bradley (Rangers - .320/17/54) who is having a very good season. Whatever. Look, voting for a DH in all star games is stupid. Yes, there should be a DH regardless of where the game is being played, but fans shouldn't be forced to choose between guys who just DH. The DH should just be whatever position player got the most votes among non starters. Theres no reason for Ortiz, who has missed over 30 games this season, to be voted in as a starter.

Starting Pitcher: Starters have yet to be determined, but I think Cliff Lee, Indians (11-1/2.43 ERA/1.04 WHIP/99 K/19 BB/ 118.2 IP) should start. He's struggled a little as of late, but overall he's been phenomenal this season.

That's it for the American League. National League will be done tomorrow.

The Rays Are NOT A Great Story For Baseball (And thoughts On Euro 2008)

It's nothing personal against the players. The team has drafted well and has done quite a job of stockpiling talent. I respect that, and yes, it is nice to see a relatively small market team compete with the likes of Boston and New York.

But this team is in first place. In the American League East. And they played (and beat) the Red Sox tonight. The attendance? Just over 31,000, or 75% capacity. The team is in first place! They're playing the Red Sox! Who are these people, Braves fans? Go to the fucking games! I'm sorry, but there are no real baseball fans in the south. And there are no real pro sports fans in Florida. But I digress.

On to Euro 2008, which may have been the best soccer tournament I've ever seen. Spain was dominant throughout, and it's always nice to see the Germans lose. Spain was the best team the entire time, going 6-0 in the tournament. And that final was probably the most entertaining 1-0 game I've ever seen. Spain looked great throughout and now has to be among the favorites in 2008.

If Spain was the best team in the tourney, Turkey was definitely the most entertaining. I thought the games were going to need an NC-17 rating with the way they kept pulling goals out of their asses. It's too bad they couldn't pull it off against Germany.

Anyway, if you watched any of this tournament and still find soccer boring, I don't know what to tell you. I guess you're just a moron. Personally, I'm pretty psyched for the World Cup. I like Argentina and Spain in the final, which would be one hell of an entertaining game. Lets hope it happens so I look smart.

Happy Fourth of July everyone. You wont be hearing from me again before then. Enjoy the holiday.

Cole Hamels Continues To Be Sextacular

What is "sextacular" exactly? I'm not sure, but Cole Hamels fully embodies it. After pitching his second complete game shutout in 3 weeks, the Phillies were back to 10 games over .500 and tied for the 5th best record in the majors. Hamels is only 6-4, but he's had really crappy run support. He's sporting a 3.36 ERA with a sparkling 1.07 WHIP and 73 Ks in 91 innings.

Anyway, the Phils have won 10 of their last 12 and are playing well, but they'll need to keep it up because they have a very tough 15 game stretch coming up, including 9 straight on the road against Atlanta (starting tonight), Florida, and St. Louis, though they do have a day off between Atlanta and Florida. After that it's back home to play the AL's two best teams, Boston and The Los Angeles Angels of Whatever The Hell That Team's Name Is. This stretch should show us what kind of team the Phillies really are. Hopefully it's the good kind.

Take That Colorado!

WE won three games this time! Not you! Suck it!

No, this doesn't make me feel any better in the long run. But the Phillies are 31-24. Which is cool. They have been scoring a lot of runs lately (48 runs in 4 games? Hell yeah).

Chase Utley hit his major league leading 17th dinger, Adam Eaton finally won a game, and all is groovy. For now. The Marlins are in town starting Friday. We need to take at least 2 of 3. Fingers crossed baby. I sure do love baseball season.

Go Phils.

I Can't Believe I'm Rooting For The Celtics AND The Lakers

But alas, I am. I can't deal with a Spurs - Pistons finals. That would be almost as bad as 2003 when we were about 6 outs from a Cubs - Red Sox World Series and we ended up with Marlins - Yankees. Jesus that was awful. Anyway, my apologies for not posting anything in almost a week. I never thought I'd wax nostalgic for Comcast, but man, Time Warner blows some serious cock. We haven't even been in this apartment a month and already the modem is fucking around.

But whatever, I'll live. Cole Hamels is still muy sexy, so it's cool that that was the headline here for a week. And Ryan Howard is starting to come around, which is nice. Let's hope this is the start of a four month stretch of awesomeness.

At Least The Phillies Won This Time

Which is nice. Although Brad Lidge's ERA is now above 0.00. But, to be fair, Werth did misplay a ball in center with two outs that allowed said run to score. And, to continue being fair, we can forgive him because he drove in 80% of the Phillies' 5 runs. Still, someone needs to explain to me why Victorino isn't back in center. He catches everything.

One more thing about this game - Chipper Jones went 3 for 4 to raise his average to .415. Which is impressive, even for him. I've never liked Chipper, but the man can rake. It's a little scary to think about how good his already impressive career numbers would be if he hadn't missed so many games over the last four years.

Anyway, onto the Flyers, who find themselves down 3 games to none after losing 4-1 Tuesday night. What did you think would happen to a team playing without its top two defensemen? And against a team like the Penguins? That's just too much to overcome. It happens. Hockey is a rough sport. They played hard.

Cheer up Flyers fans. This team is going to keep getting better.

Phils Lose, Flyers Lose, Everbody Loses

Well, except the Penguins and the Giants. They didn't lose. At least Jimmy Rollins is back. If nothing else, he should help Howard. The man is hitting .171 for fuck's sake. And slugging a just as miserable .357. I don't know what his problem is, but it has to improve if this team is going to get back to the playoffs.

And as for the Flyers, well, everything this season has been a free roll anyway. This team finished last in the NHL last year, and now they're in the Eastern Conference finals, which was something I used to take for granted. Of course it was also assumed that they would lose in heartbreaking fashion, because Bobby Clarke is a shithead. At least this team will (hopefully) keep getting better.

And, to be fair, this series isn't over. But they've got a long road ahead of them. Good luck fellas.

Phils Win, Utley Continues To Struggle

1-3? Only one RBI? I don't care if it was the game winner in the top of the 8th Chase, you're down to .350. That's unacceptable. No less than .440. We had a deal.

Anyway, the Phils came back multiple times to beat the Diamondbacks 5-4. Kendrick pitched decently, Feliz hit a homer to raise his average to a robust .228 (hey, he does have 5 homers, and they seem to come at opportune times), Lidge was lights out for the save, and the Phils improved to 20-15, which ties them for first with... Florida? Florida? I don't get it either. Whatever. I'll take it.

Also, that Celtics-Cavs game was the worst game of basketball I've seen since the Masterman Girls JV basketball team lost to the Hallahan Girls JV basketball team 14-13 in 32 minutes in 1999. Lebron was missing shots that Eric Snow would have made. Okay, maybe not Eric. But you get the idea. Terrible. Just fucking terrible. I guess the series has nowhere to go but up.

Anything but Spurs-Pistons. That's all I ask.

Roger Clemens Is SUCH A Fucking Asshole

I mean, wow. What a dicknose. Banging a 15 year old while you were 28, married, and father to two idiotically named children? Really Roger? You think any of us really give a fuck if you deny it? We don't believe you. Your word carries about as much weight as Mary Kate Olsen. It's one thing to abuse steroids, it's another entirely to abuse a 15 year old country singer, among other extra marital offenses.

Roger Clemens, you truly are an asshole.

Annnnnd.... I'm Back

I know you missed me. Thanks for perservering. What? What do you mean you didn't even notice I was gone? Well to hell with you then.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. You know I love you.

Anyway, a lot has happened since I left Philadelphia. The Pistons started playing like the Pistons, the Sixers started playing like the Sixers, the Phillies have managed to stay above .500 the entire time, and the Flyers... look, I'm not going there. I don't care if they're one win from the Conference Finals. We've seen this before. Many times. I certainly want them to win, but I'm not getting sucked in. Not now. I would be a fool to let myself succumb to that foul temptress' charms right now.

The Sixers are sucking me in though. Not because I think they'll beat the Pistons, but because this team has a legitimately bright future, and I love me some basketball. They're still a couple years and a couple players away, but the foundation (which includes Andre Miller) is there.

And the Phillies, well, they're doin' okay. They surprised me by not dropping 2 of 3 to the Pirates. That would have been a classic Phillies move. Also, one other reason I'm not terribly worried is that apparently Billy Wagner has called out Oliver Perez for some of the Mets' struggles of late (even though they're above .500). That man never learns. He's a hell of a pitcher when he's on, but Jesus, he sure is a dick. I don't miss him one bit, and I don't think anyone else in Philly does either.

Sixers Win, Phillies Win, Everybody Wins!

Except of course for the Pistons and Pirates. And that damn parrot is a rip off of the Phanatic. Just look at him! He's fuzzy, green, pear-shaped and pantless. Just like the Phanatic. I would call shenanigans, but then I realized I really don't care. Anyway, I have no fucking idea what's going on with the Sixers, but I like it.

This will be my last post for a couple days because I'm moving, so for the six of you that read this, try to make do without me. I wont be gone long.

Phils Win 3-1, Utley Disappoints

3 for 4 with THREE singles? Geez Chase, there goes you streak of games with an extra base hit. Only one run scored? Slacker. You're only hitting .385! I expect no less than .440 this year! Get on it.

Pat the Bat also continued his hot streak, driving in two runs in the 8th with a double. Gordon pitched out of jam in the 8th for the win. Moyer pitched pretty well, but he got some help from Brewer baserunning mistakes (two pickoffs, and Corey Hart was thrown out at third trying to stretch a double into a triple with no one out). Lidge got the save in the 9th. We'll certainly take it.

Good work fellas. Keep it up.

Rest Assured I Was On The Internet Within Minutes, Registering My Disgust Throughout The World

Kudos to anyone who understands the reference in the title of this post. Anyway, the Sixers reached into their own asses tonight and pulled out a handful of crap, unlike Sunday when they pulled out a victory. Oh well. I don't think anyone expected them to win tonight.

And the Phillies blew a lead in the 8th, allowing a 2 run homer to Prince Fielder (pictured, left) for the second time that game. God forbid you guys string 4 wins together. But hey, I can't be greedy. That would make me a Boston fan, and then I wouldn't be able to see my own reflection. Can't have that. Anyway, Grampa Moyer takes the hill tomorrow, so hopefully the Phils will bounce back.

Oh, and the Flyers play tomorrow night, which is cool. I guess.

FUCK and YES

What an awesome night. The Phillies came back (in spectacular fashion) to beat the Rockies, exorcise some demons from last season, and go above .500 for the first time this season. (Woo hoo!) And the Flyers - the Flyers! - won a game 7! In overtime! On the road! The Flyers SO don't do that!

So yeah, Lupul put a rebound in about 5 minutes into the first overtime, and the Flyers will be heading off to face the Canadiens, a team about which I know nothing. So that's cool. They had an opportunity for a heartbreaking defeat after squandering a 3 games to 1 lead in the series, but somehow, they won. I guess it's progress.

And then there's the Phillies. Oh, the Phillies. Mr. Wonderful himself staked them to a 2-0 lead early in the game, but the teams kept trading leads, with the Rockies going up 6-4 in the 7th. The Phillies got one back in the 8th, and then, in the 9th inning, total awesomeness occurred. Taguchi led off the inning with a hit. Werth made an out. Then Mr. W hit a single, and ended up on second after the throw to 3rd to try to get Taguchi was too high for the cutoff man. So, we have runners on 2nd and 3rd for Ryan Howard, hitting a robust .190. Still, he was intentionally walked to set up a double play for Burrell. Thing is, Burrell didn't hear the word "play" and crused a double into left center, scoring all three runners.

But, it looked like Taveras would have a chance at it, so Utley had to hold up. When Taveras dove and missed, Taguchi walked home, and then Utley and Howard came barreling around 3rd, with Howard about 4 steps behind Utley. Ultey slid home ahead of the throw, (making it 7-6 Phillies), and about 1.5 seconds later, Ryan Howard slid in head first and just beat the tag. It was like that moment from Major League, except both guys were safe this time. It was totally awesome.

In fact, from a Philly fan's perspective, the night really couldn't have been better.

Man, never thought I'd type that.

Chase Utley Es Muy Sexy

Muy, muy sexy. Just look at him. That is one sexy hunk of man right there, and no, I'm not afraid to admit it. The Phillies won 9-5 to pull even at .500. AGAIN. And this time the offense actually looked, well, good. The Phillies were down 3-0 early, but Pat the Bat hit a 2 run homer to bring them within 1. Down 3 again with the score 5-2, Jason Werth crushed a ball into center. Taveras couldn't get to it, it bounced off a concrete border at the bottom of the fence, and Werth ended up racing all the way home to make it 5-3. At this point the score on the top of the screen said 5-4, and a graphic read "Home run, Utley". I said to my dad, "Man, that guy really IS hot."

Then Utley, who was up next, belted a homer over the right field wall. Unbelievable. It was his 5th straight game with a homer, and his league leading 9th overall. The Phils added two more in the 7th to take the lead, and 3 more in the 9th to seal the deal. Howard had a couple of hits, which is nice. They need him to heat up, and soon. Victorino should be back soon too, which will help.

The Phils also committed 3 errors, which, well, I just don't fucking understand. It needs to stop though. Anyway, Phils showed some grit by coming back to win this one, which hopefully will carry over into the rest of the season.

Oh, and the Flyers lost. They aren't winning game 7. They never win game 7s. That's why they're dead to me. Prove me wrong fellas. Go ahead. I won't mind.

What A Beautiful Day For A Ballgame

Oh MAN, it is nice out. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my Friday evening than watching Cole Hamels square off against Johan Santana on a gorgeous Spring night in even more gorgeous South Philly. The Phillies are looking to get over the .500 hump for the first time this season, and who better to get them there than Cole Hamels? No one, that's who. Should be a hell of a game. If you're lucky enough to have tickets, I'll see you there.

Mmmm, baseball.

WOO! WHAT A FUCKING GAME!!!!!

JENKINS WAS TOTALLY OUT! BUT I DON'T CARE! FOUR RUNS IN THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH! WOO HOO!

Baseball. Fuck Yeah.

Oh, and the Flyers won 6-3. Which is cool, I guess.

And both of these happened within like 4 minutes of each other. Definitely the most impressive 4 minutes since Fat Tony flooded Springfield with alcohol after prohibition ended. I couldn't have asked for a better end to my sports evening. Thanks Jebus.