At Least The Phillies Won This Time

Which is nice. Although Brad Lidge's ERA is now above 0.00. But, to be fair, Werth did misplay a ball in center with two outs that allowed said run to score. And, to continue being fair, we can forgive him because he drove in 80% of the Phillies' 5 runs. Still, someone needs to explain to me why Victorino isn't back in center. He catches everything.

One more thing about this game - Chipper Jones went 3 for 4 to raise his average to .415. Which is impressive, even for him. I've never liked Chipper, but the man can rake. It's a little scary to think about how good his already impressive career numbers would be if he hadn't missed so many games over the last four years.

Anyway, onto the Flyers, who find themselves down 3 games to none after losing 4-1 Tuesday night. What did you think would happen to a team playing without its top two defensemen? And against a team like the Penguins? That's just too much to overcome. It happens. Hockey is a rough sport. They played hard.

Cheer up Flyers fans. This team is going to keep getting better.

Phils Lose, Flyers Lose, Everbody Loses

Well, except the Penguins and the Giants. They didn't lose. At least Jimmy Rollins is back. If nothing else, he should help Howard. The man is hitting .171 for fuck's sake. And slugging a just as miserable .357. I don't know what his problem is, but it has to improve if this team is going to get back to the playoffs.

And as for the Flyers, well, everything this season has been a free roll anyway. This team finished last in the NHL last year, and now they're in the Eastern Conference finals, which was something I used to take for granted. Of course it was also assumed that they would lose in heartbreaking fashion, because Bobby Clarke is a shithead. At least this team will (hopefully) keep getting better.

And, to be fair, this series isn't over. But they've got a long road ahead of them. Good luck fellas.

These Recent Events Confuse Me

Not so much the Phillies. They're a much better team than the Giants and should have had less trouble taking 2 out of 3 than they did. They need 3 errors to get the job done today. That being said, a win is a win. And the Sixers don't surprise me either. Well, come to think of it, the fact that they won 2 games was a bit of a surprise.

But they Flyers? Didn't this team have the fewest points in the NHL last year? I understand that that wasn't this team, but still. Ousting the number 1 seed in 5 games is pretty damn impressive. Still, I've seen this before from the Flyers. We all have. I'll believe it when they're holding a giant silver thing over their heads and taking turns kissing it. It's not that they don't matter to me, it's just... well, I'm not getting into it right now. I've been working on a Flyers Manifesto in my head for months now. I'll be done it soon. I'm pretty sure I know how it ends, but I hope I'm wrong.

Rest Assured I Was On The Internet Within Minutes, Registering My Disgust Throughout The World

Kudos to anyone who understands the reference in the title of this post. Anyway, the Sixers reached into their own asses tonight and pulled out a handful of crap, unlike Sunday when they pulled out a victory. Oh well. I don't think anyone expected them to win tonight.

And the Phillies blew a lead in the 8th, allowing a 2 run homer to Prince Fielder (pictured, left) for the second time that game. God forbid you guys string 4 wins together. But hey, I can't be greedy. That would make me a Boston fan, and then I wouldn't be able to see my own reflection. Can't have that. Anyway, Grampa Moyer takes the hill tomorrow, so hopefully the Phils will bounce back.

Oh, and the Flyers play tomorrow night, which is cool. I guess.

"Not only do they stink, they're unlucky!"

That's what I yelled when Jimmy Rollins smoked a ball down the first base line to start the ninth inning, only to have Nick Johnson, who was guarding the line, rob him of what would have been at least two bases. Two batters later the Phillies had lost 1-0, shut out by Tim Redding, Luis Ayala and John Rauch. Read that sentence again and try to prevent your head from exploding.

I know it's cold. I know it's early. I know there are still 160 games left to play. And yes, at least Hamels pitched well. But this is the Nationals, for fucks sake. The fucking Nationals. Brett Myers and Cole Hamels lost back to back games to Matt Chico and Tim Redding. The Phillies are once again in an early hole, and find themselves once again in last place in the division in April. I... I can't take much more of this. And yes, this IS Manuel's fault. I have said ever since he got here that he is too laid back. Teams need to be fired up to start a season. I'm not saying he's a bad manager - though I've never thought he was a very good one - but Jesus Charlie, yell at this team! They deserve it.

This team crapped it's way through spring training, only to say on a daily basis that they would be ready when the season started. Well, the season has started, and the Phillies are 0-2. The season isn't over, but it is underway. Last year the Phils laid a giant fucking egg in April and lucked (and, to be fair, played) their way into the playoffs. They wont be so fortunate again.

Get you asses in gear, fellas. For my sake, and your own.

Johan!

I had no intention of commenting on the Johan Santana trade until the World’s Greatest Pitcher put pen to paper and officially signed with the Mets. I'll believe it when I see it, I thought. This is the Mets fan’s mentality: Nothing is certain. It’s all just a house of cards waiting to collapse. Don’t jinx it.

It’s often hard for outsiders to see, but this is the true face of the New York sports fan. Behind all the bluster and alleged pomposity, the NY sports fan is full of fear and longing. He is truly devoted and committed to his team but he always sees the cloud that comes with the silver lining. Success is craved; failure is expected. Yankees fans obscure the true face of the New York sports fan, who is typically thought of as a cocksure blowhard who believes that winning is his divine birth right. While that may be an accurate description of some Yankee fans, it is certainly not true of the rest of us.

The most compelling proof of this was evident two weeks ago during the NFC Championship Game. As regulation time expired, the Giants’ Lawrence Tynes attempted a gimme field goal to send the club into the Super Bowl. The oft-maligned Tynes had spent the season disappointing the franchise with inaccurate field goal attempts and short kickoffs, so much so that retreads like Josh Huston and Billy Cundiff found themselves with mid-season tryouts for Tynes’ job. Few fans had confidence in Tynes as he lined up for the potential game-winner and he did not fail to disappoint.

When Corey Webster made the play of his career to give the Giants the ball deep in Packers’ territory a few minutes later, I dreaded the possibility of another field goal attempt. On fourth-and-five, I was despondent to see Larry trot back onto the field so with my head in my hands I watched him redeem himself with a 47-yard winner. My immediate reaction was not joy or elation or even relief – it was shock. For a full five seconds, I sat with my mouth agape in a room full of silent observers. Did that just happen? Did we really win? We did! We won! We fucking won!!! We’re going to the Super Bowl!!! With that realization, I began to jump up and down with my fists raised to the sky like that Hampton coach after they beat Iowa State in the 2001 NCAA Tournament. But shock was still the overwhelming emotion I felt. Every conversation I had with friends for the next several hours revolved around the same general premise: “I can’t believe we're going to the Super Bowl!”

Other examples are evident in nearly all New York franchises. Giants, Jets, Mets, Knicks, Rangers - it’s the same story across the board. Two on-again, off-again football teams with bouts of winning peppered amongst long periods of ineptitude. A baseball team notable for trading away Hall of Fame pitchers and fiscal strategies that would make George Bush stand up and cheer. A cornerstone of the NBA that is wrapping up its fourth decade without a title by setting records for wastefulness, not to mention executive misconduct. A proud “Original Six” franchise that didn’t win a Stanley Cup for 54 years and followed that by not making the playoffs for another ten. Even the Yankees have begun to join the pack over the last seven years by channeling the Mets (reckless spending), Knicks (ownership/management circus) and Rangers (annual late- and post-season collapses). Behind every club is a fan base praying for a championship … but dreading something far worse.

Which brings us back to the Mets. No New York franchise has done more to earn constant skepticism quite like the Mets. The Mets have lofty expectations seemingly every season and almost always disappoint. Every March, after an off-season consisting of a series of high-profile acquisitions, Mets fans are told, “This is the year!” Expectations grow, leaving the fan base especially irritated when the team is out of contention by June.

This team is far better than that and anything less than a division title and a deep post-season run will be a disappointment in 2008, just as it was in 2007. Yes, Johan Santana gives the Mets a potentially-devastating rotation to go with a solid bullpen and three of the league’s best position players. But he does nothing to change the fact that scrubs named Brian Schneider, Luis Castillo and Ryan Church are all important pieces of our lineup on a daily basis. Carlos Delgado and Moises Alou remain old. When – not if – any of these players are injured, the bench provides little reassurance, unless you are turned on by defensive replacement outfielders, of which we now have two – Endy Chavez AND Angel Pagan. And god forbid Beltran, Reyes or Wright misses significant time. Perish the thought.

In short, color me skeptical. I’ve heard this story before. I’ll believe it when I see it.

Fuuuuuuccckkkkkkk

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuuuccckkkkk. FUCK. I didn't need this. Not today. Not ever. Granted, the deal isn't final, but unless he doesn't pass a physical (he will) or they can't agree on a number (they will), it's going to happen.

Fuck.

This Is Fantastic

I can't believe I didn't see this until 3 AM. He threw McNabb under the bus after the Super Bowl but he's crying for Tony Romo? Good fucking Christ. I could really get used to the Tony Romo era in Dallas if every season is going to end with spectacular failure. Enjoy the clip, which comes to you via KSK.

Oh No. No No No No No.

Rumor - substantiated rumor - has it that both Miguel Cabrera AND Dontrelle Willis are headed to the Tigers for six players I've never heard of who someday may be good. We're adding BOTH of these guys to the Tigers?!?!?!?!

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. On the surface this isn't all bad - at least the Phillies don't have to play them 19 times a year. But holy shit, who the fuck is going to beat the Tigers?! Miguel Cabrera is, by my humble estimate, the third best hitter in baseball, all things considered. (Pujols and A-rod are ahead of him. It's also possible that Matt Holiday is as well, but remember, he's a Rockie.) Yes, even I, worshiper of all things Utley, think he is better than Chase. And now he's joining a line up that is going to feature him, Magglio Ordonez, Gary Sheffield, Curtis Granderson, Carlos Guillen, Placido Polanco, Ivan Rodriguez AND Edgar Renteria?! Hold on to your asses, American League. Y'all in some trouble.

And then there's Dontrelle, who, granted, has not looked good since his monster 2005 campaign. But he's still young and Comerica is a pitcher's paradise. Barring injuries, this team is winning 110+ games. Yikes. This makes me especially sad for two reasons:

1.) I really, REALLY wanted the Phillies to land Cabrera. I don't care what it would have taken, as long as it wasn't Chase, Jimmy or Cole. I would have given up Howard. Yes, Cabrera is THAT good. And he's 24.

2.) What has happened with the Marlins - winners of not one but TWO World Series championships over the course of their 15 year existence - is absolutely sickening. Your team has no revenue? Thats because you alienate all your fucking fans by selling off your talent! The firesales that occurred after 1997 and 2003 were atrocities. That team needs to be either moved or taken from the current ownership. In a city with a HUGE Latino population, you can't sell baseball tickets? That, my friends, is sad.

So yeah, this is terrible news for anyone not in Detroit. For anyone in Detroit, go fuck yourselves. Lucky jerks.

You've GOT To Be Kidding Me

I... I got nothin'. Despite Brady ending up on his ass multiple times, the Ravens, much like the Eagles, couldn't take care of business. Patriots, 2, mid-Atlantic birds of prey, 0. I'd be lying if I said I was sick, but I'd be lying if I said I was thrilled, too. For the third week out of 4, the Pats had no business winning and somehow still did. Oh well. As I said before, I don't know if someone will best this team, but shit, someone can. Fingers crossed baby, fingers crossed.

FUCK MARKO JARIC

That son of a bitch is dating my woman. That is NOT FUCKING COOL. You hear me Marko? You just made the list. Me and you buddy, we're throwing down. I mean, come the fuck on.

This man:
is fucking this woman?!?!?!:
Ye gods... there is no God. Marko, however, would probably disagree.

And, to ease our collective pain at this news, and the much more dire Sean Taylor news (R.I.P) here are some more gratuitous Adriana Lima pictures:

Jesus.
Mary.
And Joseph.

Someday, my darling. Someday you will be mine.

Sheldon Was Almost Right. Almost.

Oh, that was close. So very, very close. Let me just say, first and foremost, that I am proud of the Eagles. They put up one hell of a fight and even, on a select few occasions, looked like the better team. They weren't the better team, and they sure aren't the better team, but to a casual observer, they may have appeared that way at times.

There are a few things that need to be said about this game. For only the second time this season, the Patriots looked mortal. Someone may not beat this team, but shit, someone can. The don't run that well. The defense isn't that good. (It's easy to seem that good when the offense keeps you off the field for 40 minutes a game.) And Tom Brady, well, okay, he's really fucking good. He may have only had one TD, but he didn't really make a bad throw all game. Maybe one or two, but not when it mattered. Did anyone really think the Eagles were going into halftime with a lead when Brady was driving at the end of the first half, down by 4? I sure didn't. No one runs a two minute drill better than he does. That fucking asshole.

What also needs to be said is this: A.J. FEELEY IS NOT A BETTER QUARTERBACK THAN DONOVAN McNABB. He never has been, and he never will be. So seriously, all of you idiots here in Philly that think he's the answer, please, shut up. How soon we forget that this is a young man that couldn't hold down a starting job for the soon-to-be 0-11 Miami Dolphins. He's a good back up QB, but that's just it - he's still a back up. A.J. played admirably against the Patriots, but he wasn't "amazing" or "incredible", which were both words I heard someone use to describe his performance tonight. McNabb probably wouldn't have thrown that first interception and he definitely wouldn't have thrown the second one.

One could argue that he may not have made the plays in between those two passes that kept the Eagles in the game, and to that I offer this: if the Eagles coaches called the exact same gameplan for McNabb that they do for any of his back ups, (Feeley, Garica - anyone), then he would be more effective than any of those guys. He is a better QB than any of those guys and would therefore be more effective than any of them if the coaches would use the same gameplan, which is: throw when you have to, but win with Westbrook. The Eagles had to throw a lot tonight because the Patriots keyed in on Westbrook, and trust me people, a healthy Donovan McNabb throws the ball better than a healthy A.J. Feeley every fucking time. It isn't McNabb's fault that Andy still thinks he's the best player on the Eagles. This game was as close as it was because Jim Johnson is a genius and because the playcalling was simple and effective, not because A.J. Feeley is Joe Montana. If McNabb is healthy - and I will concede the possibility that he may not be for quite some time - he should start for this football team. End of discussion.

As for the rest of the game, well, you gotta hand it to both sides. The Eagles deserve credit for shoving what was obviously, in retrospect, one of the most ridiculous spreads of all time down the throats of anyone who bet against them. And the Patriots deserve credit because, well, they did win. And that is, unfortunately, the bottom line. They won. They are still undefeated and will remain that way for at least 7 more days. But there is hope. Someone can beat this team, and God willing, someone will. I can't live in a world where Philadelphia fans rightfully think of Boston fans as obnoxious blowhards. If you think they're bad now - and they are - just wait until the Pats go 19-0. Trust me, we ain't seen nothin' yet. Here's hopin' we never will.

God Damn It, Now I Have to Root for the Rockies

Fuck you Cleveland. You couldn't win one more fucking game? Really? Fuck. Now I have to root for the Rockies. This is almost as bad as when I was forced to root for the Marlins in 2003. Not that I hate the Rockies, but shit, I really hate the Red Sox. Well, I really hate their fans. I'm pretty indifferent towards the players themselves. Manny is actually pretty fucking amusing. And David Ortiz is cool I guess. J. D. Drew can go choke on a fat one, though. That fucking evangelical fuck.

Do yo have any idea what this means? If the Red Sox win another World Series, combined with the success of the Patriots, we're looking at the single most annoying fan base in the history of mankind. Worse than Notre Dame football fans. Worse than Cowboys fans. And yes, way worse than Yankees fans.

Big Daddy Drew of Kissing Suzy Kolber explains it perfectly, saying:

Boston fans fail to grasp a standard rule of sports fandom, which is: Any team that wins a title that is not your team is fucking annoying. It doesn’t matter how the other team won. They’re not YOUR team, so they can eat a fat dick. Fuck this “appreciating” other teams shit. Normal fans don’t do that. At least Cowboy and Yankee fans have a solid understanding of just why people can’t fucking stand them. But Mickey from Natick? Nope, he’s not gonna grasp that concept. In fact, he’s not gonna grasp much of anything.

(The entire article, which is a must-read for anyone who can't stand Boston fans, can be found here.)

So now I have to hope The Rockies, whose fans are undeserving if not insufferable, can stay ridiculously hot and upset the Red Sox, which will prevent my head from exploding.

Honestly, this all makes me sad. Until 2004, I understood Boston fans. They were, for the most part, miserable, like me. Yes, they had the Patriots and the Celtics, but the vast majority of Boston sports fans cared about the Red Sox and only the Red Sox. Then 2004 happened, and "Sox fans" started oozing out of the woodwork in droves. Genuine Boston fans were quickly outnumbered by assholes who couldn't name 6 Red Sox players. To make matters worse, I was in New York when the Red Sox won the World Series, and you had better believe every schmuck who lived anywhere near Boston at one point in his or her life what wearing a Sox hat and talking about how clutch Manny Ortez was.

And then, 4 months later, the Patriots beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl and the Decade of Douchebaggery was in full swing. Boston fans have not looked back. And so, it is because of this that I beseech you, Rockies of Colorado: please, please, beat those fucking fucks. And do it badly. For the sake of us all.

As If You Needed More Proof...

God is dead. Or maybe he/she never existed to begin with. Or, most likely, it's alive and watching this whole sordid scene unfold with depraved indifference. It hates you, cares little for your feelings and finds your suffering comical.

And Let Us Never Speak of This Again

Let me see if I understand this correctly. Joe Torre was “insulted” by the Yankees offer of a one-year contract for $5 million to manage the club. With incentives, the deal could have been worth an additional $1 million for each round of playoffs that the team reached. So $6, $7 or $8 million per year were all potential final compensation packages for next year. And Joe Torre found that insulting.

When the subject involved is a player – let’s say A-Rod – the common reaction to a story like this is backlash. “How could A-Rod turn down $x million to play a kid’s game??? He thinks that’s an insult?! I think it’s an insult that my son’s algebra teacher has to drive a used Civic with no A/C while poor Alex has to decide between 26 or 28 inch rims on his Navigator!” But those arguments are childish since they ignore the fact that we live in a market economy. When Tom Hicks thinks that Alex is worth $252 million, by default, he is. Yet compared to the market, even with his insulting 33% base pay cut, Torre is still light years ahead. Lou Piniella is the next-best paid manager in the league and he makes an average of $3.3 million per year on his three year deal with the Cubs. So despite an offer that would pay nearly 50% more than the next-richest manager in the league, Joe was insulted.

Furthermore, Torre and the fawning reporters are conveniently forgetting that he actually deserves a pay cut. When Torre signed his final contract extension in April 2004, his team was coming off of their second AL pennant in three seasons. And for four of the five seasons prior to that run, the team had won the World Series. Torre had earned that pay raise. In the four seasons since, his team has endured the worst collapse in postseason history, followed by three consecutive first round exits. In their last seventeen postseason games, Torre’s Yankees are 4-13. Taking nothing away from his managerial achievements, Torre has earned this pay cut.

That is, of course, if you seriously consider a baseball manager to be an integral part of a club’s success. I don’t. How else can we explain Clint Hurdle, who entered this season 84 games under .500 and will exit with an NL or World Series pennant? Or how about Terry Francona, who was run out of Philadelphia with a .440 winning percentage only to become a demigod in Boston? And Willie Randolph, whose job security alert level went from green to yellow to red in the space of twenty days? The truth is that a baseball manager, quite unlike a football or basketball head coach, is essentially a cop on a horse, riding around doing his best to look important but really not doing a damned thing.

Here’s where it gets confusing. According to Torre, money wasn’t the deciding factor in his decision. Hold on a second: On one hand the offer was an insult but on the other hand the decision wasn’t about money? That’s awful mealy-mouthed. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt here and assume that he really wasn’t interested in managing the Yankees anymore. Let’s say that he wasn’t interested in the constant scrutiny coming at him from all angles: The shameless New York tabloid press, the knee-jerk fans on sports radio call-in shows and, worst of all, the deluded old bat who ostensibly runs the team. Let’s conclude that he just didn’t want to manage the team anymore.

Given those circumstances, what should he have done? Resigned. Not even considered the team’s offer. Told the world that he wanted to go out on his own terms and longed for a new challenge. The press would have eaten that nonsense up. But he didn’t do that. He waited for an offer and he turned it down. It was about the money and he didn’t get enough. If only he could have said that.