This Just In: The Eagles Stink!

Wait a minute... that isn't "just in". We've known that for weeks now. All last night's game did was drive that point home in a way that only a nationally televised game against the Cowboys could. The 'Boys won 38-17, and, um, it wasn't that close. The Eagles are now 4 games back in the division with only 8 to play. They are also 0-3 within the division, having lost to the Redskins, Giants and Cowboys once each, all on national TV.

So what's going on? The Eagles used to dominate on national TV (unless it was an NFC championship game). Now? Now they don't dominate anything. I mean, one week they keep Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson in check, and the next week Tony Romo is ass-raping them with a plunger, and doing it with a smile. Yes, the Cowboys are a much better team than the Vikings (and the Eagles, for that matter) but it still does not explain why the Eagles have been so maddeningly inconsistent this season. Usually, when a team plays so up and down over the course of the season, it's time to look at the coach.

Ah yes, the coach. Now look, I have nothing but sympathy for Andy Reid and what he has had to deal with in terms of his offspring over the course of the last year. This isn't his fault. If they were 16, then maybe you could point a finger at him and his wife, but these boys are grown men (albeit stupid ones). Yes, he has, for the last decade at least, worked ridiculously long hours. You know why? To provide for his family! That's how you idiots repay him? Selling drugs in the ghetto and brandishing fire arms at other drivers? Deep down I'm praying those boys don't reproduce, but something tells me they will. They are, after all, Mormons.

Now, it would be foolish to say that Andy has not been affected by the behavior surrounding the idiots known as Britt and Garrett Reid. However, Andy maintains that it does not affect the way he coaches. Well Andy, I'm calling shenanigans. Either it is affecting you and you need to take a leave of absence (no one will judge you) or it isn't affecting you and you just don't know how to coach anymore. The latter is certainly a possibility, but it's still hard to believe for a man who has won over 60% of the games he has coached. But he did, after all, call that punt at the end of the Saints playoff game last year, so maybe he is losing it. And he's always been terrible with clock management. Still, he's got to be one of the better coaches in the NFL, right? Isn't it time for him to take a break, let the Eagles cruise to a 6-10 record, get a nice draft pick and work on next year? Look, I'm not advocating my team go in the tank, but shit, they aren't a playoff team, let alone a Super Bowl contender.

I'm also not advocating the start of the Kevin "Corn on the" Kolb era. McNabb still has a couple good years left, but when his most dangerous target is Kevin Curtis, you can't expect the Eagles to strike fear into the hearts of opposing defenses. It's time to look at next season. Going 6-2 down the stretch and squeaking into the playoffs for a road game would not be a good thing. If this team is to ever win a Super Bowl with any of the pieces it has in place, another draft pick in the 19-26 range isn't going to help. Should we start throwing games? Of course not. This team is shitty enough to lose games while giving a full effort. But this season is over, even if there are 8 games left. Just because I'm not too delusional to admit it, that doesn't make me the asshole. No, the asshole is still this guy.

God, what a fucking asshole.

Is It Possible The Eagles Aren't Good?

Yes, it's possible. Is it too early be arriving at that conclusion? Probably. But when judging the Eagles, one has to consider certain truths and myths regarding this season.

Myth: Donovan McNabb isn't the same quarterback he once was. He's holding the Eagles back and he needs to go.

Truth: Look, he isn't 100% yet. They say it takes 2 years to fully recovery from a major knee injury. It's been 10 months. Do I think Kevin Kolb will be a good NFL QB some day? Yes, I honestly do. Is it time, after two weeks, to dismiss the Donovan McNabb era as a failure and give the kid the keys? FUCK NO. Donovan will return to form. I'm not blind - he looked unimpressive against Green Bay and worse against Washington - but he will continue to improve as the season goes on.

Myth: The Eagles' current receiving corps is good enough for a legit playoff run.

Truth: No it isn't. Kevin Curtis and Reggie Brown would be great compliments to a great number 1 receiver, but neither of them are good enough to fill that role. There's more than one reason McNabb hasn't looked good. When your receivers get no separation, it's hard to get them the ball. Your throws have to be perfect (or better) every time, and only robots like Peyton Manning can pull that shit off. Why is Andy Reid vehemently opposed to giving McNabb a legit superstar receiver? Well, to his credit, he did try it once. It didn't quite work out in the end. But damn did it work for a little while. McNabb was a different QB with T.O. around. They fed off each other. Even Stallworth, a legit deep threat, made a difference. But no, Randy Moss wasn't worth a 4th round pick. He is, at worst, the 3rd best receiver of all time. He would have made a huge difference, kind of like he's doing in New England. Great QBs need great receivers, and vice versa. McNabb is no exception.

Myth: Donovan McNabb is the best player on the Eagles, so it makes sense to have him passing 60% of the time.

Truth: Brian Westbrook is, and has been for some time, the best offensive Eagle. The Eagles weren't successful after McNabb went down last year because Jeff Garica is God. They were successful because Westbrook became the focus of their offense, something everyone has seemingly realized except for the guys calling plays. GUHHHHHH. Give him the fucking ball. A lot. Please. The Redskins keyed on him all fucking game and he still racked up 162 total yards. He's incredibly good. Why Andy Reid fails to see this, I do not know.

Myth: The offseason adventures of Andy Reid's kids are distracting him and taking away from his ability as a coach.

Truth: Um, this one may be true. Can't say I blame you Andy. I mean, it's at least partially your fault you raised idiots, but anyone who claims that the exploits of the Reid boys wouldn't distract them is lying. Good luck fat man.

Myth: The Eagles' season is over and it's time to start planning for '08.

Truth: It's two games people. Two. The last time they lost their first two games, they finished 12-4. Yes, that team was better than this one, but it's early. And this is the NFC we're talking about. You know who's 2-0 in the NFC right now? Dallas, Washington, Green Bay, Detroit and San Francisco. Would you be shocked to see the Eagles in the playoffs instead of any one of those teams? Didn't think so. Take a deep breath everyone. No need to panic. It's only been two games.

Now, if we lose to the Detroit Fucking Lions next week, then we can start panicking.

You Know Who I Don't Envy?

Andy Reid. And it isn't just because he's, fat, mustachioed and Mormon. Or that he works 130 hours a week during the season. At least he gets paid a lot. No, I don't envy him the least bit because his sons are fucking morons. Especially Britt, although that's what you get for naming your son Britt.

You're out on bail, a lot of people in the area know what you look like, and you're so noticeably fucked up that someone who works at Dick's Sporting Goods calls the cops on you because you're about to drive? Wow. Somewhere Marcus Vick is calling you an idiot. Have fun in prison.

Also, the Phillies season is over. This just gets sadder by the minute. 14 runs to the Padres? It's the fucking Padres! Their offense sucks! And yet, our pitching sucks even more. It sucked enough to give up 22 hits to the Padres. Hey, at least Greg Maddux got his 10th win for the 20th season in a row. Be impressed. Be very impressed.

Utley should be back this weekend. Adam Eaton should be back for the Mets series. Sadly, these are both good things. That's how bad the rotation is right now. Save us Jebus. And do it soon.

Mor(m)ons and Other Football Related Things

Well, the Super Bowl is almost here. Where will I be watching it? I'm not entirely sure yet, but I can tell you where I won't be watching it - Andy Reid's house. Shotguns and hollow points? Yikes. No thanks. I don't care how good the drugs are. Apparently no one ever told his sons that if you have large amounts of illegal things in your car you shouldn't do anything to attract the attention of law enforcement, like crashing. Idiots. This is payback for punting at the end of the Saints game.

As for the Super Bowl itself, I like the Bears, if only because absolutely no one else does. Just because Peyton "Half Donkey, Half" Manning finally beat the Pats doesn't mean he's suddenly a big game quarterback. If he wins tomorrow, then I will be truly impressed. That being said, Rex Grossman wouldn't give me a lot of a confidence as a Bears fan. But that defense is good. And Devin Hester is good. And the running game is good. So we'll see. Final score: 27-24 Bears. But I would be lying if I said there was any particular outcome that would surprise me.

All I know is this will be the first Super Bowl I get to enjoy since high school. Last year's game sucked, I was on edge the entire time the Eagles were in it, and I was bitter when the Eagles didn't make it the previous times. This time I can kick back and bask in what is sure to be 4+ hours of hedonsim. I can't wait.