Pretend You Care About Hockey For A Moment

Let me make it known immediately that this post, whilst appearing on a Philly-centric sports blog, is written by a lifelong New York sports supporter. Every team I root for – Mets, Giants, Knicks, Rangers – is directly at odds with the four major Philadelphia sports franchises. In spite of this, I am allowed space and time to write on this blog in some sort of meaningless ode to the crippled spirit of the American free speech ideal. It is believed, I assume, that my presence brings a type of balance to the equation, if by balance we mean “a different biased perspective.” In any case, it was inevitable that the interests of this blog would run counter to my own and we have our first example of that this evening in the form of the first of many Rangers-Flyers contests this year.

(There will be eight such matchups this season, in fact, given that the NHL does not want you to see anyone outside your division. The Rangers make two trips across the Mississippi river all season, including a two-game jaunt to Minnesota and Colorado in December and a three-game January roadtrip to Calgary, Vancouver and Edmonton, and otherwise don’t travel further than Miami, Tampa and Atlanta for two road contests apiece. Worse off are the Western Conference teams and their fans, which may not see the likes of Crosby, Ovechkin, Heatley – not even Chris Fucking Simon – all season long. But you will be treated to eight games a year with the high-flying New Jersey Devils, led by a barely-pulsing Martin Brodeur. Marty! Wake up!)

The Flyers fast start was much needed. With the Phillies being swept in the first round of the playoffs, the Eagles’ rank-and-file spending an inordinate amount of time with Garrett Reid, and the Sixers beginning another year of pain by giving a starting job to Willie Green, the poor Flyers are left to fly the flag for all of Philadelphia. Last year, the lowly Flyers finished with 56 points, winning a mere 10 of 42 home contests and solidifying their position as the armpit of America’s most frustrating sporting city. But things have suddenly changed and the Flyers are sitting in first place in the Atlantic Division a full month into the season. Most have pointed to the import of Daniel Briere from Buffalo prior to the season as the key to the club’s success but while Briere’s impact is a given, it has been the strong play from the team’s young players – Mike Richards (22 years old), Jeff Carter (22) and Joff Lopul (24) – that has kept the team scoring goals. And a full season of Martin Biron (2.11 GAA in 10 starts) between the pipes will do wonders to make up for the presence of blue line fossils like Derian Hatcher and Jason Smith.

The Rangers came into the season with very high expectations, including many calls for the Cup’s return to the Garden. The team responded as only they can by taking just five points from their first eight games. Even after a recent surge – four wins in five games – they still possess the league’s most inept offense, scoring 1.67 goals per game. Only Edmonton comes close to that pathetic rate at 1.96 GPG. Injuries have played their part as Martin Straka, Sean Avery and Ryan Callahan have all missed significant time but that does not justify the play of many other Ranger forwards. It does not explain why Scott Gomez has a mere five points despite centering Jaromir Jagr. And that’s just one question. Others include: When did Brendan Shanahan become the slowest player in the league? Why is Petr Prucha suddenly useless? How many millions did Jagr lose in his last trip to Vegas?

In spite of their league-worst offense, the Rangers are still 6-6-1, good enough for 13 points, only three behind the Flyers. This can be attributed to several strong defense pairings and one of the league’s top goaltenders, Henrik Lundqvist. The Swede with the expensive haircut has started all 13 contests and possesses a 1.61 GAA. With three shutouts in his last seven games, Henrik is single-handedly keeping the club in contention but even he must be getting a bit tired of his teammates’ incompetence in front of him. At some point he is going to come back to earth.

What can we expect from this evening’s contest? It is the first game of the year between the two rivals but with seven more to come in the next few months I don’t expect either coach to approach this as a crucial early season test. The Rangers took six of eight games from the Flyers last year so one might expect that the Flyers will come out with special purpose but I think that the Rangers’ home-ice advantage (6-2-0 at MSG) will neutralize any special energy that the Flyers bring. I expect the usual defensive tactics and overall stifling of all excitement that the Rangers have employed all season. I will also guarantee several fights. Sean Avery returned to the Rangers’ lineup on Saturday and Ryan Hollweg and Colton Orr will also dress. The Flyers will counter with Ben Eager, Riley Cote and cheap shot artist Randy Jones, fresh off a short suspension for laying out Patrice Bergeron of the Bruins. Hopefully the Rangers will push forward and attempt to score goals rather than, you know, sit back and wait for the game to end. And hopefully the Flyers’ goon squad can avoid anything too dirty, like charging after hecklers in the stands or finishing their checks with shanks in their gloves.

You Call That A Victory?

I call that an ass whooping. 13-1? Damn. I know it was Josh Beckett, but still. One run? Weak. And Schilling wont be much easier tonight. Get it together, Rockies. The rest of us are counting on you.

Also, the Flyers lost the first game of an 8 game road trip, and face a tough match up tonight in the Lightening. Nittymaki is making his first start of the season in goal. Should be a good game.

Oh, and the Eagles still suck.

Sunday Thoughts

Oh, today was not a good day to be an Eagles fan. Not that we have many good days. But today was especially bad. The Bears went 97 yards in 90 seconds with no time outs to win the game. And my fantasy team was playing against Mushin Muhammad, who caught the game winning pass. And I was starting the Eagles defense. Instead of the Redskins'. Guhhhh. W. E. A. K.

But enough about my fantasy team, which Shaun Alexander is methodically killing. As for the Eagles, well, let's face it: the season is over. They're 2-4, and the Redskins, the team in 3rd place in the division, is 4-2. And it's not like the Eagles have been unlucky or anything. They just haven't played well. A ton of stupid penalties combined with a crappy red zone offense and a defense that doesn't make big plays is not a recipe for success. It's time to start looking at next year.

But enough about my crappy home team. Tom Brady, you go to hell. 6 TDs? Go. Fuck. Yourself. 27 on the year? Again, go fuck yourself. This applies to all you Boston Fans out there as well. I don't care how good he is. He still looks like a white Yao Ming. I'm serious. He does. Just look:
Don't tell me you don't see a resemblance. But, no matter how you slice it, the Patriots are good. Real good. And Dolphins are bad. Real, real bad.

You know who isn't bad? The 6-1 Flyers, who won again last night in overtime against the Carolina Hurricanes, a hockey team whose sheer existence is a slap in the face to the sport. Not because they're a bad team (they're actually pretty good) but because hockey should not be played in either of the Carolinas. It shouldn't be played anywhere ice doesn't form naturally. In the last 15 years loyal fan bases such as Quebec, Winnipeg and Hartford (among others) have been stripped of NHL franchises because the league thought a bunch of displaced yuppies in warm locales would make good fans. Riiiight. Half of Tampa's population still has no idea the Lightening won a Stanley Cup. But whatever. I'm not supposed to care about hockey. It's the American Way.

Anyway, here's hoping Peyton Manning registers one fantasy point or less tomorrow night. Sigh... I hate you Shaun Alexander.

Did Anything Happen Today?

Someone probably played hockey somewhere, but who cares? It's fucking hockey. Although the coach of the Atlanta Thrashers did get fired after only 6 games. (Atlanta is 0-6-0). I feel like this has to be a record for anything other than football. 6 games? Into an 82 game season? Wow. I gotta say, I'm impressed.

I would also be impressed by the 4-1-0 Flyers, you know, if I cared about hockey. But that shit is dead to me. (You go to hell Bobby Clarke!) That being said, the team appears to be going in the right direction.

Manny doesn't care if the Red Sox lose the series. He's tired. He's had enough of this "baseball" and wants to go out drinking. Or something like that. Just "Manny being Manny" I guess. Of course Boston fans are going to be Boston fans and end up making a big deal of this. Insufferable pricks. God forbid you assholes don't win another championship. Fuckheads.

Anyway, tomorrow the Indians look to earn the right to lose painfully to the Rockies, but it won't be easy. Josh Beckett will be taking the hill, and he doesn't like losing playoff games. Good luck Indians. I'll be rootin' for ya'. We bitter folk gotta stick together.

Baseball Thoughts, Other Stuff

Did you ever in your life think you would see an NLCS featuring the Rockies and the Diamondbacks? Kill me. Do it now, make it swift. The Rockies won game one, by the way. I have nothing against that team, but good God almighty, Rockies - Diamondbacks? ROCKIES - DIAMONDBACKS?!?!?! This is worse than 2003 when we were like 7 outs away from a Cubs - Red Sox World Series and we ended up with Marlins - Yankees. Ugh. This, combined with the fact that Dane Cook is invading my TV during baseball games, is making me question my loyalty as fan of the game. And I love baseball. Please stop doing this to me God.

The Phillies gave Charlie Manuel an extension. For the record, I'm against this, but not too vehemently. I mean, he isn't great, and I'm pretty sure there's tapioca inside his head, but are they really going to find someone better? There are maybe, maybe, five good managers (Manuel is not one of them) in the game today. As bad as Uncle Cholly is at times, he's better than most alternatives. So whatever. If the players like him, fine. But he is an idiot.

The Flyers totally pounded the Canucks Wednesday. 8-2. Good god. When you score 8 goals in a hockey game, even someone as disillusioned and spiteful as I am (there will be an article in the relatively near future about my life as a Flyers fan) has to write something about it. This just in: Danny Briere is good.

That's it for now. I may or may not discontinue picking NFL games. I'm not good, and I am lazy. We'll see.

You See, THIS is Why No One Watches the NHL Anymore.

Quick, if you can, name the last three Stanley Cup winners: Anaheim, Carolina and Tampa Bay. Guhhhhhhh. No wonder no one watched these games. Ice doesn't even form naturally in those cities. The NHL needs to contract to 16 teams, none of which will be located below the Mason-Dixon line. Pay the players in Canada U.S. dollars and be done with it. This is ridiculous. Hockey is too cool of a sport to be getting ratings similar to indoor lacrosse. I've given up on the Flyers, but not the NHL.

Also, Tim Duncan wants you to know he still exists. As awesome as Lebron was in that Pistons series, the Spurs are a much better team than the Pistons. They are also much better than the Cavs. And Tim Duncan is, as far as I'm concerned, more dominant than Lebron. The Cavs frontcourt will have no answer whatsoever for Duncan. Spurs in 6. Or less. Go ahead Lebron, prove me wrong. I really hope you do.

The Phils look like they could sweep the mets with Zeus taking the hill tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to it. Why Zeus? Because he throws fucking lightening bolts, thats why. What a stud.

The NBA Should Really Try to be More Like the NHL

Wait, don't stop reading! I know nothing should be modeled after the NHL, but this one little thing should change about the NBA. The playoff system reseeding the NHL uses after the first round needs to make its way to the NBA. Right now the Suns (#2 seed) are playing the Spurs (#3 seed) while Utah gets to play Golden state (#4 and #8, respectively). How is that fair? Is it really that hard to have the highest seed play the lowest seed? If the NHL can pull it off with an annual budget of $7.50 (Canadian), anyone can.

Speaking of hockey, while hanging out with a few friends earlier, I was briefly reminded what it was like to care about an NHL team as my boys cheered on the Rangers towards the end of their game 6 with Buffalo. (The Sabres won.) My friends were intense. I remember being like that about the Flyers. Liking hockey was kind of fun, at least in Philly where everyone used to care. (Many still do, I'm just not one of them.) Oh well. Thanks for ruining hockey for me Bobby Clarke. Shithead.