They Call Him "Chipper"...

Chipper Jones, excuse me - Laaaaaarrrrryyyyyyyyy - was recently overheard whining about having to play the Red Sox every year in interleague play while other teams in the NL face easier, non AL East competition. Well Larry, I gotta say, you have a legit complaint. But it needs some fine tuning. Interleague play is only unfair when the American League team is the home team. Why? Because then the NL team is forced to start a player who would otherwise not be a starter as the designated hitter.

Yes, designated hitter, the two dirtiest words in baseball, with the obvious exception of "Canseco's needle". (We all know where that thing has been. Yikes.) The designated hitter is stupid. It cheapens the game. It creates a disparity between leagues. And it fucks up fantasy baseball rosters everywhere.

Bud Selig, blubbering spineless vagina that he is, needs to get rid of the DH once and for all. Players such as David Ortiz and Travis Hafner will still be able to find work, trust me on that one. And as for guys like Frank Thomas and Mike Piazza who have been able to extend their careers by only playing offense, well, tough shit fellas. You can't field any more? Retire. Go out with some dignity, a word that is now rarely associated with out once glorious national pastime.

And as for you Larry, stop worrying about interleague play. Think of the fans in Atlanta who wouldn't otherwise get to see - hmm, "the fans in Atlanta" is setting off all kinds of red flags with my word processor's built in grammar check. It might have something to do with the phrase being an oxymoron. Whatever, bad example. Personally I like getting the chance to see the Phils play the Yankees or the Red Sox, even if it does mean they're probably going to get shellacked. It's a whole new set of players for me to heckle. And that dear Larry, is what makes it all worthwhile.

Cole Hamels!

Good. Fucking. God. He's such a stud.

Marry me Cole. I don't care if you're straight and already married to a woman. We can work it out.

Packers Unhappy Favre Didn't Retire

Rumor has it Brett Favre is upset the Packers didn't make a deal with the Raiders to land Randy Moss, who ended up being traded to the Patriots for a loaf of bread and two pads of butter. Now don't get me wrong, it's easy to understand why Favre would want a wideout as talented as Moss as a target. What I cannot understand, however, is why the Packers continue to put up with this egomaniacal geezer they continue to call their quarterback.

Look, Brett Favre is a first ballot Hall of Fame player. You could argue that, all things considered, he's a top five all time quarterback. His career numbers are nothing short of spectacular. As a football fan, I have a lot of respect for the player Brett Favre once was.

But that's just the thing. He was great. He has thrown 47 interceptions (versus 38 TDs) in the past two seasons. The Packers have missed the playoffs two years in a row despite playing in what is easily the weakest division in the weakest conference in the NFL. And, regardless of what receivers Favre is throwing the ball to, the Packers will stink.

Why? Well, their defense is terrible. Al Harris was their number one cornerback last year. Yes, Mr. Pass Interference himself. Also, Brett Favre is washed up. And yes, you could certainly argue that he is still the best QB in his division, but his competition is Jon Kitna (please), Tavaris Jackson (unproven at best) and Rex Grossman, a man more famous for his fabricated exploits and monologues at the hands of Big Daddy Drew over at KSK than for his football abilities.

It's time for the Packers to give Aaron Rodgers, the quarterback they drafted in the first round two years ago, his chance. Could he be worse than the current Favre? Sure. But he could also be a lot better. The Pakers are not getting any better with Favre running the show. Quarterbacks only get better through in-game experience, of which Rodgers has had very little to date. The longer it takes for him to become the starter, the longer it will take for the Packers to become contenders again.

But only Brett Favre can make this happen. He has to retire. The packers can't really bench or cut the man who has been the face of their franchise for the last 15 years. He won a super bowl. And 3 MVPs. To treat him that way would be disrespectful and selfish. Kind of like how he's treating the Packers and their fans.

Oh, and God help me if I ever have to write something like this about Donovan Mcnabb.

This is Not Going to End Well

Bobby Abreu. Allen Iverson. Donovan McNabb. What do they all have in common? No, it isn't a ridiculous beard. That's just McNabb, who has clearly been hanging around Koy Detmer way too often. Iverson, Abreu and Mcnabb are all the best players of my lifetime for each of the three major sports teams in Philadelphia. (Hockey stopped being a major sport when it took a team out of Winnipeg to put in in Phoenix. Also, I understand it's likely that Ryan Howard and Chase Utley will have better careers than Abreu, but as of now, it's too early to declare them better players than Abreu ever was.)

It appears these three men will soon have another thing in common as well: a departure from Philly that neither the athletes nor the fans deserved. Abreu was shipped off because the Phillies did not want to pay him. Iverson was jettisoned because the Sixers had given up on building a team around him. Donovan may be gone for both reasons. And so, before that happens, I have a request: please Donovan, don't go down that road.

I'm different from most Philadelphia sports fans. For starters, my education extends past 7th grade. Also, I'm a bigger Phillies fan than anything else, a rarity in an Eagle-first town. Also - and this might be directly related to trait number one - I don't boo my own players at the first sign of struggle. Don't get me wrong, I will boo when necessary. Give up 4 home runs in a game? I'm booing. Throw that 3rd pick? I'm booing. Wear a jersey that says "Eaton"? You better fucking believe I'm booing. It's just that if a guy is in a slump, we tend to berate him instead of supporting him, and I have trouble believing that helps.

The Philadelphia sports media, which consists of a bunch of blowhards calling themselves fans - I'm looking at you Cataldi - also tends to be overly negative and hypocritical. They made fans believe Abreu was the reason the Phillies weren't playing well and that the attitude change after he left last season was why they had such a good record after the break. I tend to think that Rollins and Howard hitting a combined 843 home runs in August and September along with a pitching staff hitting its stride was the more likely cause. But hey, what do I know? All I did was watch every game. I do know this though - if Bobby is a Phillie for the entire 2006 season, they make the playoffs.

As for Iverson, who was never exactly a media darling, well, he probably did need to go. (I, along with every other fan, loved him, but they weren't going any further with him as the centerpiece of the team.) But had Billy King pulled the trigger last summer the Sixers could have swung Carlos Boozer and the 7th pick in the 2006 draft, which ended up being Randy Foye. Add those two guys to Iguodala, Willie Green, Korver and Dalembert and that is a nucleus with which you can work. Instead they waited till midway through this season and got 30 cents on the dollar for him. Yes, the two 1st round picks will be nice, but Billy King, idiot that he is, is in charge of using them. Confident I am not.

And then there's Donovan. Sweet, sensitive Donovan. With apologies to Randall Cunningham, Jim McMahon, Ron Jaworski, Ty Detmer, Koy Detmer, Rodney Peete, Bobby Hoying, Doug Pederson and Jeff Blake, McNabb is the best quarterback in Eagle history. And now the media is going apeshit over the Eagles using their first pick - which was NOT A FIRST ROUND PICK - on a quarterback. Do I agree with the pick? Not this second. But if Kevin Kolb is a stud five years from now I'll be fine with it.

Look, McNabb has been hurt recently. He isn't getting any younger. Football is a business. You have to plan for the future. And that's fine. You do not, however, need to make a giant fucking deal out of the Eagles planning for the future. Andy, you don't need to have a conference with Donovan. Donovan, you don't need to say that you're "shocked" with the pick. And everyone else, you don't need to make it seem like there is any question McNabb might not be the starter if fully healthy. He is an elite NFL quarterback. Do you really think Jeff Garcia would be gone if the Eagles had short term worries about Donovan?

Everyone else, though, Donovan and his fat-mouthed and even fatter-assed mother included, is not as smart as I am. Everyone else feels the need to give this way too much attention, making a would-be non-issue into a potentially hazardous real issue. (T.O. anyone?) Just let it go. There's no way of knowing if Kolb was a good draft pick, and there is no way of speeding up that judgment. We all (myself included) booed Donovan when he was drafted. I have learned from such a mistake. I will save my boos for more deserving athletes. In the meantime, everyone just chill out and hope Donovan isn't tearing up the league for some other team much like Bobby and Allen have done. If that happens, then I'll be booing.

Roger Clemens is STILL an Asshole

Two baseball posts in one day? You people should consider yourselves lucky. I don't do this too often. (You can read my other post, regarding The Big Giant Head, here.) Back in February I wrote about how much of a santorum-dripping assbag Roger Clemens was for the way he has carried himself over that last year as a baseball player. His indecisiveness regarding where he wanted to play was disrespectful to everyone involved and should not be indulged.

So what did they Yankees do? They gave him 28 million dollars for essentially 5 months work! Holy fuck man! That is A LOT of money! He is forty fucking four! And he's almost definitely a 'roids case. Can you say breakdown? I sure hope so.

I mean, I'm sure he's still an effective pitcher. Steinbrenner would never spend way too much money on an over-the-hill ace. Is Clemens over the hill? I don't know. He sure wasn't last year. But he was a year younger and that was the National League. This is different. I'm hoping for a complete meltdown, but I will settle for one documented case of old man on the mound flatulence that causes Posada to puke and/or the Yankees missing the playoffs. Either would be hilarious.

The NBA Should Really Try to be More Like the NHL

Wait, don't stop reading! I know nothing should be modeled after the NHL, but this one little thing should change about the NBA. The playoff system reseeding the NHL uses after the first round needs to make its way to the NBA. Right now the Suns (#2 seed) are playing the Spurs (#3 seed) while Utah gets to play Golden state (#4 and #8, respectively). How is that fair? Is it really that hard to have the highest seed play the lowest seed? If the NHL can pull it off with an annual budget of $7.50 (Canadian), anyone can.

Speaking of hockey, while hanging out with a few friends earlier, I was briefly reminded what it was like to care about an NHL team as my boys cheered on the Rangers towards the end of their game 6 with Buffalo. (The Sabres won.) My friends were intense. I remember being like that about the Flyers. Liking hockey was kind of fun, at least in Philly where everyone used to care. (Many still do, I'm just not one of them.) Oh well. Thanks for ruining hockey for me Bobby Clarke. Shithead.

REEEEEEMAATCHHHH

AC Milan advanced despite Dida. Liverpool won via penalty kicks. (They like doing that.) Kaka is really, really, really fucking good. (He scored again today.) There is no love lost between these two teams after the 2005 final. (For those of you calling the underside of rocks home, Milan blew a 3 goal lead at halftime and eventually lost on penalty kicks to Liverpool.)

I for one am excited. If Dida ends up costing Milan the game he may be flayed alive. And deservedly so. As far as I am concerned, Milan is the considerably more talented team, much like they were 2 years ago. But Liverpool is feisty and cannot be counted out. Two conflicting stlyes of play should give us one hell of a game. Mark your calendars. This will kick ass.

Kevin Kolb? Really?

Because we needed a QB that badly? You have that little confidence in Donovan McNabb, at worst the 4th best QB in the league? Yes, he has been banged up. But he is also not that old. We could have used other things, like a linebacker or a cornerback. Or Dwayne Jarrett. Kolb's college numbers are very impressive, but he played in Conference USA. And we could have gotten him much later in the draft.

Look, the last time I second guessed an Andy Reid QB draft pick it was McNabb, and well, I guess I was wrong. But this seemed like a reach. As for Tony Hunt, well I would have preferred Michael Bush. He's a first round talent with an unfortunate injury his last year. Willis McGahee anyone? He still hasn't been drafted. Take him if he is available.

Also, Dallas totally ripped Cleveland off. Even if Quinn is a legit NFL QB - and I think he is - they aren't winning more than five games next year. Dallas will have an early first round pick, which blows. I hate Dallas. That being said, I think Cleveland had a decent first round. A potential franchise QB/left tackle combo is solid. But, they are the Browns. Both will be dead or crippled by 2009.

Al in all, the first round today may have been the most useless 7.5 hours in the history of the world. Excuse me while I return my attention to baseball for the next 5 months.

Dear AC Milan,

Hi. My name is Lionel. I love soccer, and think you guys are gosh darn swell at it. There's just this one minor problem, and I understand why it has been easy to overlook. You see, in general, it is a good idea to have as many Brazilians on your roster as possible. They're really good at soccer. That guy Kaka on your team? Awesome. But here's the rub - Brazilians suck at goalie. And your goalie? Well, he's Brazilian.

You see, this guy Dida, he's cost you multiple games I have watched you play in the past few years. And I haven't even seen you play that many games. That game you lost to Deportivo in 2004 when you had a 4-1 lead on aggregate and only need to NOT LOSE 4-0 AT HOME to advance? Well, you lost 4-0. At home. And at least two of those goals were entirely his fault. And that game in 2005 you blew to Liverpool? Well, that was everyone's fault. But he didn't help matters, that's for sure.

So anyway, I'm watching you today on TV play Manchester United. They're good at soccer too. But you guys should have beaten them. And you would have if anyone other than Dida were your goalie. Okay, okay, maybe not anyone, but you guys can afford a top flight keeper. He isn't one. Kasey Keller would be a HUGE step up and I know you could lure him away from whatever mid-level English cub he's playing for now.

The first goal, which came off of a header, went through Dida's arms and hit him in the shoulder, bounced up, was heading towards the goal, and, in a feeble attempt to swat it away, he knocked it into the net. Yes, there were other players in the area. Yes, it would have been a very nice save. And yes, there are quite a few other keepers out there who would have made said save.

The second goal was excusable. Rooney made a great run. The third goal? Oh my. My oh my. Look, it was a hell of a shot by Rooney (he's good), but it had no business going in. It was the 92nd minute. It beat Dida near post. That CAN'T happen. Ever. Goalies who play for teams as good as you DO NOT allow near post goals from anyone other than the lord himself (Zidane). And he doesn't play for Man U.

So really, do yourself a favor. Get help. Goalkeeping help. The rest of your team is too good for that bum to keep starting for you. Plus, I think Gattuso is getting ready to bite him in the throat. They don't call him "The Snarling Dog" for nothing.

Sincerely,

Lionel McClure

Cole Hamels is Fuckin' Sexy

Got the win? Check. Complete game? Check. 15 Ks? Check. Getting someone to hit into a triple play? Check. Is there anything this young lefty can't do? I say no. It's reall gonna suck when the Phillies trade him for 3 prospects 5 years from now. I just hope they win a world series first.

Speaking of wins, they finally got two in a row. Am I optimistic? Nah. But I sippose it's a step in th right direction. A step in the wrong direction, however, is relegating Myers to middle relief duties. Put your best starter in the bullpen? Don't make him the closer? Charlie Manuel is a fucking idiot. But we knew that.

Dial 4-1-1 for Fuck

The Phillies are 4-ll. God. Dammit. Worst record in the National League. Even worse than the Nationals. You know who hits clean up for the Nationals? Me neither! Fuck. This sucks.

Also, A-Rod is really good at baseball. 12 home runs and 30 RBIs in FIFTEEN FUCKING GAMES?! Ay caramba. He's 25 home runs away from 500. And people will still give him shit till he comes through in the playoffs. Oh well. Can't say I feel sorry for him. He, like Terrell Owens, has 25 million reasons to not get my pity. Another thing they have in common is their love of dick.

In other news, I think the NHL playoffs started. On a more important note, I took 3 dumps yesterday. I wiped twice.

Something is Drastically Wrong with Our Planet

There is snow on the ground outside my house. It's April 16th. The Phillies have had consecutive games postponed due to snow. SNOW! In April! Postponing baseball games! WTF man? W. T. F?

They got like 11 feet in Cleveland in the past week. I think Miami is underwater. California is floating towards Japan. I just want to watch baseball. I just want my fantasy teams to accrue decent numbers. I just want spring to feel like, oh, I don't know, spring.

This planet is dying. And I'd be lying if I said I knew exactly what to do about it. All I know is that if Philly is underwater before I see a championship, I'm bitch-slapping God.

Don't say I didn't warn you big guy.

The Phillies Are Bad, mmm kay?

Jesus they suck. Especially the coaches. Victorino on 2nd, Utley on 1st. Bottom of the 8th. No one out. You're down 8-6. Howard rips a single to right. Do you send Victorino home? Of course you do! Why? Because you're a fucking idiot! YOU ARE DOWN TWO. YOU DO NOT NEED TO RISK GETTING HIM THROWN OUT AT THE PLATE WHEN YOU STILL NEED ANOTHER RUN. Guhhhhhhhhh.

Naturally, he was thrown out and the Phillies grounded into a double play right afterward. They lost 9-6. Kill me. Do it now, and make it fast. I don't need this. They're on pace to win 32 games. Something tells me they will win more than that. Something tells me they will also miss the playoffs. Again.

Phillies baseball. It's fannnnn-tastic.

The End of an Era

The Drew Bledsoe Era has come to a close folks. I for one, am sad. Drew, one the NFL's few class acts, will be hanging up his size 42 boots, which I think were made of lead. At least he brought us this despite being benched midway through last season.

One thing you could rely on Bledsoe for was comically woeful performances under pressure. After that interception he threw to end the game against the Eagles last October, a buddy of mine sent me a text message saying "Classic Bledsoe". My only possible response was "CLASSIC".

So, as one era ends, sadness abounds. But there is a silver lining: the Tony Romo Era! Ladies and gentleman, this is going to be cool. Let's take quick look at NFC East QBs, shall we? Jason Campbell (unproven at best), Tony Romo (mediocre talent, possibly gay), Eli Manning (mediocre talent at best, definitely gay), and Donovan McNabb (legit superstar).

Something tells me the Eagles will be holding on to this division for a while.

Movin' On Up

In addition to my duties here at RTR, I have decided to contribute to The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes. Why? Because I want more exposure, that's why. Plus, these guys know how to write. You can view my first post there by clicking here.

Sorry dad. But you had it coming after eating all of my butter-cream eggs.

And don't worry folks, I'll still be updating this blog on the regular. Just be sure to give my moonlighting gig the attention it deserves.

Jimmy Was Right

The Phillies ARE the team to beat. Hell, everyone is beating them. The Braves. The Marlins. The Mets. The Bad News Bears. Engelberg went 3-4 yesterday with 4 RBIs and two steals. Even Lupus went yard. I mean, shit, this getting ridiculous.

Today, with the bases loaded with one out in the bottom of the 8th, Jimmy Rollins flubbed a double play ball that would have gotten the Phillies out of the inning with a 5-4 lead. They lost 11-5 today to the Mets. Fuck-ing wonderful. They are now 1-6. Is the season over? Of course not. But if they keep playing like this, what's the point? They aren't hitting with runners in scoring position. They aren't fielding well. The much maligned bullpen has been quite, um, malignable? Yeah, that isn't a word. But you get the idea.

Meanwhile, around the league, Chris Carpenter is hurt, Brad Lidge lost his job and Mike Hampton is hurt again. I know, I know, hard to believe.

Someone I never heard of won the Masters. He thanked Jesus. Tiger sucked it up. Maybe Jesus is a racist.

I've eaten three chocolate rabbits in the last 24 hours because that racist golf fan died for my sins 2000 years ago. I fucking love Easter.

Dice-K Dazzles Royals, Obnoxiousness Level of Sox Fans Rising

Daisuke Matsuzaka, the pitcher the Red Sox spent 103 million dollars on, pitched quite well against the lowly Royals Thursday. Dice-K - which, by the way, might the dumbest nickname of all time; I only use it because typing out his real name takes longer - was excellent, striking out 10, walking only one and allowing only one run. Zach Grienke, who left the Royals with emotional issues last year, also looked good. (Fantasy sleeper anyone?)

However, as good as Matsuzaka looked, as Winston Wolf would say, "Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet." Yeah, he looked good, but the Royals are easily the worst American League team. I could have struck out 3 of them. Let's see how he does against the Yankees, or even the Devil Rays. And, speaking of those Devil Rays, they're in first place. Enjoy it Rays fans. It wont last. Oh wait, the Devil Rays don't have fans. Never mind then.

Also, A-Rod hit a very clutch grand slam in the bottom of the 9th today to beat the Orioles. Jeter said he might let A-Rod be the top tonight. I have my doubts.

All in all it's good to have baseball back, even in the Phillies are sucking royally. Everyone around here is buying into the "Well, they always start slow" camp. Well, they never make the fucking playoffs either! Teams that start fast almost always have good records because they can afford to coast during the dog days of summer. The Mets and Braves are already both 4-1. Every game counts. The sooner the Phils start winning them, the better. But I'm not holding my breath.

Maybe, in a Past Life, I Was Hitler

I must have been. What else could I have possibly have done to deserve being a Philadelphia sports fan? I. Just. Don't. Fucking. Get. It. Maybe I should just stop watching sports and become a Buddhist.

I hate baseball.

So, When Does Football Season Start?

The Phillies aren't ones to break tradition, so naturally they lost their opener. They lost to the Braves, a team I find myself hating and respecting more and more as the seasons move along. Also, they failed to hit with runners in scoring position, most notably having runners on 2nd and 3rd with no one out in the 7th while leading 3-2 and failing to add on any insurance, despite both Howard and Utley having at bats with one and two outs, respectively. They went on to lose 5-3 in extra innings.

Also, Ryan Howard hit 3rd. What the fuck Charlie? Those two singles he had with no one on were super useful. The man is a clean up hitter. If someone wants to kill Charlie Manuel, I will honor them with a blog entry. Jesus he sucks. But it isn't all his fault. No, the Phillies are notorious when it comes to doing whatever it takes to lose, and it appears 2007 will be no different. Fabulous. I'm going to bed. Wake me when it's over.

The Condensed Baseball Preview

I tried writing previews for every team. Really. I did. But I don't get paid for this shit. I can't do research and write several paragraphs for every baseball team. I have a life. It isn't much of one, and I'm certainly not bragging about it, but it exists. I do work 35+ hours a week. And as much as I would like to be able to read and write a ton about every baseball team, well, it just isn't going to happen. So, without further ado, the Roughing the Reader Condensed Baseball Preview!

National League:

NL East Winner: The Phillies (I have to pick them)
NL Central: The Brewers
NL West: The Dodgers
Wild Card: The Mets
MVP: Albert Pujols (a stretch, I know, but watch, he's gonna be good.)
Cy Young: Carlos Zambrano
Team That Might Surprise You: The Diamondbacks
Breakout Player: Conor Jackson
Uber Breakout Player: Garret Atkins
Home Runs by Pat Burrell: 32
Illegitimate Children Fathered by Pat Burrell: 3

American League:

AL East Winner: The Red Sox
Al Central Winner: The Tigers
Al West Winner: The Mighty Ducks... I mean the Angels
Wild Card: The Yankees
MVP: David Ortiz (Finally)
Cy Young: Roy Halladay if healthy, Johan Santana otherwise
Team That Might Surprise You: The Royals (Hear me out: I don't think they're going to compete for a playoff spot, or even play .500 ball. I just think they don't lose 100, which would surprise a lot of people.)
Breakout Player: Delmon Young
Uber Breakout Player: Nick Markakis
Home Runs by Alex Rodriguez: 49
Playoff Home Runs by Alex Rodriguez: 0

Playoffs:

NLCS: Phillies over Dodgers

ALCS: Tigers over Red Sox

World Series: Tigers over Phillies

Do I really, really, think the Phils are going to the World Series? Oh hell no, I'm a Phillies fan. But as an objective observer, they honestly seem like NL team best built for a run in October, provided A.) Cole Hamels pitches as well as he is capable of pitching and B.) everyone, especially Burrell, hits. Those two things are by no means guarantees, buy hey, fingers crossed baby. Fingers crossed. (They play in 11 hours! 11 hours!)