Pat Burrell: Pisser of Beds. Thrower of Lamps. Taker of Called Third Strikes. Deadbeat of Dads?

While having a drink or two after work with a coworker of mine earlier this week, I heard some very inflammatory information regarding current and former Phillies. Let me make this abundantly clear before I continue: the rest of this post is hearsay. I don't have proof. Only word of a coworkers mouth. And I'm inclined to believe her, because honestly, it's more fun that way.

According to my colleague, who apparently dated Jason Michaels, former Phil, for a brief period in 2003, Pat Burrell parties hard. So hard that he once crashed at Michaels' and Nick Punto's apartment and pissed Punto's bed. Upon awakening and realizing that people knew what happened and were laughing at him, Burrell chucked a lamp at the amused parties.

Side Notes: My coworker claims Jason Michaels is on the 'roids and that she saw a needle of his. She also claims Punto used to wear his ex girlfriend's pink thong around his apartment while drunk. Again, I don't have legit proof, but if a girl were to lie about hooking up with baseball players, would she really be lying about Nick Punto and Jason Michaels? I doubt it.

On to the main point of the story: this coworker of mine claims that Pat Burrell knocked up her sister and is the father of her three year old niece. She showed me video footage of said niece, and, while it was on a cell phone, I'll be damned if that kid didn't resemble Pat the Bat. Burrell is apparently fighting this and claiming the girl isn't his kid, but according to my coworker, her sister has a lawyer and this is far from over.

Now honestly, I couldn't care less about Pat's illegitimate children. The man makes 13 million dollars a year and if some gold digger snagged him because he was too stupid to wrap it up - and this situation in particular is not that of a gold digger, I'm just generalizing here - then pay her. (Apparently Pat has claimed to "have beaten 7 of these before".) I just want the man to hit well. And if this paternity case is fucking with his head, well, he best clear it up. Take a lesson from Trevis, Pat. To avoid trouble, use a rubber. Now go fucking protect Ryan in the line up, before I write some really bad, truthful stuff about you. You fucking overpaid fuck.

The CFL: One Cruel Joke After Another

First Ricky Williams tried to play there despite showing up to a tryout with 3 special brownies and a bong, and now this. While perusing ESPN.com like I so often do, I stumbled across this article about a CFL player name Trevis Smith (pictured left) who had unprotected sex with two different women despite being fully aware that he was HIV positive.

He was sentenced to 5 1/2 years in jail - which seems like, oh I don't know, maybe 8 million too few, but here's what makes it great - he played for the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Believe me, I could not make that up. I am not that clever. The Roughriders! That's the name of a condom brand! If this guy isn't the spokesperson for their next ad campaign, I won't understand it. The commerical practically writes itself. Think about it: "Hi, I'm Trevis Smith. The last time I got busy without a Rough Rider condom, I did 5 1/2 years. Now, I never hit the sheets without one. Hell, I usually bring three. Because not only do I use Rough Riders, I am one." Shit, I'm sold.

Still, the irony is maddeningly hilarious. For me. Not for the women. Oh well. Ladies, you should have known better. Any time you sleep with a Roughrider, you had better have one handy.

Well done, Trevis. Teddy Roosevelt would be proud.