Dear AC Milan,

Hi. My name is Lionel. I love soccer, and think you guys are gosh darn swell at it. There's just this one minor problem, and I understand why it has been easy to overlook. You see, in general, it is a good idea to have as many Brazilians on your roster as possible. They're really good at soccer. That guy Kaka on your team? Awesome. But here's the rub - Brazilians suck at goalie. And your goalie? Well, he's Brazilian.

You see, this guy Dida, he's cost you multiple games I have watched you play in the past few years. And I haven't even seen you play that many games. That game you lost to Deportivo in 2004 when you had a 4-1 lead on aggregate and only need to NOT LOSE 4-0 AT HOME to advance? Well, you lost 4-0. At home. And at least two of those goals were entirely his fault. And that game in 2005 you blew to Liverpool? Well, that was everyone's fault. But he didn't help matters, that's for sure.

So anyway, I'm watching you today on TV play Manchester United. They're good at soccer too. But you guys should have beaten them. And you would have if anyone other than Dida were your goalie. Okay, okay, maybe not anyone, but you guys can afford a top flight keeper. He isn't one. Kasey Keller would be a HUGE step up and I know you could lure him away from whatever mid-level English cub he's playing for now.

The first goal, which came off of a header, went through Dida's arms and hit him in the shoulder, bounced up, was heading towards the goal, and, in a feeble attempt to swat it away, he knocked it into the net. Yes, there were other players in the area. Yes, it would have been a very nice save. And yes, there are quite a few other keepers out there who would have made said save.

The second goal was excusable. Rooney made a great run. The third goal? Oh my. My oh my. Look, it was a hell of a shot by Rooney (he's good), but it had no business going in. It was the 92nd minute. It beat Dida near post. That CAN'T happen. Ever. Goalies who play for teams as good as you DO NOT allow near post goals from anyone other than the lord himself (Zidane). And he doesn't play for Man U.

So really, do yourself a favor. Get help. Goalkeeping help. The rest of your team is too good for that bum to keep starting for you. Plus, I think Gattuso is getting ready to bite him in the throat. They don't call him "The Snarling Dog" for nothing.

Sincerely,

Lionel McClure