The Condensed Baseball Preview

I tried writing previews for every team. Really. I did. But I don't get paid for this shit. I can't do research and write several paragraphs for every baseball team. I have a life. It isn't much of one, and I'm certainly not bragging about it, but it exists. I do work 35+ hours a week. And as much as I would like to be able to read and write a ton about every baseball team, well, it just isn't going to happen. So, without further ado, the Roughing the Reader Condensed Baseball Preview!

National League:

NL East Winner: The Phillies (I have to pick them)
NL Central: The Brewers
NL West: The Dodgers
Wild Card: The Mets
MVP: Albert Pujols (a stretch, I know, but watch, he's gonna be good.)
Cy Young: Carlos Zambrano
Team That Might Surprise You: The Diamondbacks
Breakout Player: Conor Jackson
Uber Breakout Player: Garret Atkins
Home Runs by Pat Burrell: 32
Illegitimate Children Fathered by Pat Burrell: 3

American League:

AL East Winner: The Red Sox
Al Central Winner: The Tigers
Al West Winner: The Mighty Ducks... I mean the Angels
Wild Card: The Yankees
MVP: David Ortiz (Finally)
Cy Young: Roy Halladay if healthy, Johan Santana otherwise
Team That Might Surprise You: The Royals (Hear me out: I don't think they're going to compete for a playoff spot, or even play .500 ball. I just think they don't lose 100, which would surprise a lot of people.)
Breakout Player: Delmon Young
Uber Breakout Player: Nick Markakis
Home Runs by Alex Rodriguez: 49
Playoff Home Runs by Alex Rodriguez: 0

Playoffs:

NLCS: Phillies over Dodgers

ALCS: Tigers over Red Sox

World Series: Tigers over Phillies

Do I really, really, think the Phils are going to the World Series? Oh hell no, I'm a Phillies fan. But as an objective observer, they honestly seem like NL team best built for a run in October, provided A.) Cole Hamels pitches as well as he is capable of pitching and B.) everyone, especially Burrell, hits. Those two things are by no means guarantees, buy hey, fingers crossed baby. Fingers crossed. (They play in 11 hours! 11 hours!)