The Rematch

Ohio State and Florida are to play for the national championship for the second time in 2007. Only this time it will be basketball instead of football. What were the odds of that happening? Has it ever happened before? Probably. But I'm not the man to look it up.

Now, what are the odds of Florida delivering a severe anal pounding to Ohio State much like they did in January? I would say quite good. But you never know. I'm the same jackass who wrote that OSU was clearly the weakest team remaining in the Final Four, and they didn't have too much trouble with Georgetown. So we'll see. Let's just hope it's better than either of today's games were.

Also, OPENING DAY IS TODAY. Fuck and yes. Baseball. Mmmmmmmm. I can officially be happy from now until April 14th, when the Phillies are 2-9. God I hate loving them.

"Wait, somehow this was MY fault?"

So the Texans released me last week. I was going to share my thoughts earlier but I was feeling all kinds of crazy emotions and I wanted to make sure what I said was clear. Honestly, this was a blessing in disguise. As the first draft pick of a franchise, I was expected to lead lead the team back into glory. I was the hotshot quarterback the team was going to build around for years to come. There was only one problem: the bastards never built anything!

No quarterback has ever survived in this league without an offensive line. I never had a good one. I think the guys in the front office never realized that Tony Boselli didn't pan out. I have been sacked 249 times since my rookie year in 2001. That's Paris Hilton territory when it come to large, sweaty men on top of you. At least thev didn't penetrate me every time like they do her.

But why should I be the scapegoat for all of the Texans' problems? I completed 60% of my passes! What? 65 interceptions is a lot? Whatever, fuck that. That's the offensive line's fault too. If I don't have time in the pocket I'm going to make bad throws. Also, teams could drop a lot of guys into coverage because we never had a running game. Wali Lundy? Ron Dayne? Domanick Davis? Please. But no, I sure am glad they drafted Mario last year. Now he can save the damn franchise.

But the thing that really gets me all cheesed off isn't the fact that I was released. It's for whom I was released. Matt freaking Schaub?! Really? Vick's backup? Have fun getting sacked 70 times this year buddy. I know Mike taught you how to roll a blunt, but I hope he taught you how to scramble too.

So what's next for me? I don't know. I think I'm just gonna play things by ear. Maybe I'll end up in Minnesota, or Miami, or Detroit (although I sure hope it isn't that one). I don't really care. All that matters to me is that I finally don't have to live in that shithole they call "Houston" anymore. That place fucking sucks.

This Weekend is Totally Going to Kick Ass

Opening Day AND the Final Four. Hell to the yeah. Maybe the best weekend in sports. Go Phillies. Go Hoyas. I promise I'll write something legit soon. I've been busy/tired/drunk. You know how it is.

Bye Bye Bowtie!

Takeo Spikes is an Eagle. You know what this means: no more Dhani Jones! Oh thank you merciful god. If I had to sit through one more air guitar solo after his first tackle, which usually came midway through the third quarter, I would have shot someone. Jones hasn't been anywhere near decent at outside linebacker since 2003. He became an Eagle in 2004. Oops. That didn't work.
Well, now he's gone. No, he wasn't part of the trade, (the Iggles gave up Darwin Walker and an undisclosed draft pick) but Spikes will replace him on the field, addressing one of the Eagles' biggest concerns. Walker was a decent player for sure, but with Mike Patterson, Broderick Bunkley and newly acquired Montae Reagor, they are set at defensive tackle.

Meanwhile, the Phillies play their first game in 7 days. Seven fucking days. What's that? Garcia is hurt? Leiber is hurt? Burrell is pregnant? SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. I don't want to hear it. Do not ruin this for me. Baseball is a week away and I will hear no evil. There will be plenty of time for that once the Phillies start 0-3. Let me enjoy this while I can.

Coronaries. Free with every Phillies ticket. Sign me up for 15.

The Final Four. Finally.

And then there were four. Two #1 seeds and two #2 seeds. Boooorrrrriiiinnngggg. Upsets? You want upsets? Watch women's basketball. Rumor has it Rutgers beat Duke. But seriously folks, despite a boring first two rounds, the tournament has been pretty exciting since. Plus, I got three of the four teams right - I was wrong on OSU - and can still win the coveted bragging rights over strangers that the JCMJ pool offers.

My (essentially knowledge-free and therefore useless) thoughts on each of the final four teams:

Georgetown: Streaky, yes, but this team could be down 20 with 7 minutes to play and still win easily. Then can just shut teams down, as they did for the last 12 minutes of the UNC game today (Overtime included). 15-3 in overtime! That's why I think these guys win it all. Defense. Plus, Jeff Green is the best player left in the tournament not named Oden.

Florida: Probably the most complete team in the field. They can score. They can rebound, They can D up. And they do all the little things right. Outside shooting is not a strength though, which is why I think they will have trouble with a big team like G-Town. Still, if it weren't for the fact that Joakim Noah is such an asshat, I probably would have picked them to win. But I can't root for him. He's a very good player that I would welcome with open arms to the Sixers, but geez, what a douche.

UCLA: Athletic as all hell. Can defend very, very well. They can run. They aren't great shooters, but no team left in this tournament shoots particularly well from distance. If this team gets hot they could easily get revenge on Florida. I honestly haven't seen that much of them this year, but even I knew to pick them over Kansas. I mean, come on. It's Kansas for crying out loud. I still think Florida will be too much to handle for this team though.

OSU: The block to end the Tennessee game was awesome. Greg Oden, my hat is tipped. But I'd still draft Durant. A 6'10" 18 year old who can score from 25 feet? I'm sold. However, Oden is a force defensively. You really can't drive to the hoop on him, but Georgetown has the size to keep him in foul trouble and the shooting ability to keep OSU spread out. The rest of the Buckeyes scare no one, despite solid play - especially from Lewis - throughout the tourney. Easily the weakest remaining team of the final four, so don't expect them to play for the championship.

But it's March. Anything can happen. All I know is that if the Hoyas beat the Gators next weekend, I get to gloat to a bunch of strangers. Fingers crossed baby. Fingers crossed.

Hey, You(SC), Box Out!

Offensive rebounds. If you allow your opponent to get them, you will lose. This is a guarantee. It's like missing free throws. You just wont win if it happens. Tim Floyd needs to work with his team on that over the summer. Box the fuck out. Do it, and you beat UNC. But you didn't, and now my bracket has seen better days. Thank God the refs gave Jeff Green a passport and let him travel. Go Hoyas. Lousy Smarch basketball.

My Connection to the Sweet 16

While watching Butler beat Maryland in the second round last weekend, I noticed someone named Mike Green grab a crucial rebound in the waning seconds of the game. He looked familiar, so I looked him up on ESPN.com. As it turns out, he was from Philadelphia. Why does this mean anything? Because when I was playing rec league ball in Philly when I was 14, there was a Mike Green on my team. And he was really, really good. And he looked just like the guy on Butler.

Sure enough, it's the same guy. The Mike Green I knew went to Franklin Learning Center for high school. This Mike Green went to FLC. Granted, the Mike I played with eight years ago was 5'5", and the current Mike is 6'1", but still. It is definitely the same guy. In fact, he's actually pretty good. You can see his stats here. 14 ppg, 6 rpg and 4 apg for a junior are solid, solid Division 1 collegiate numbers. And I used to be on his team.

If I recall correctly, Mike, who was our version of Allen Iverson - bring the ball up, take most of the shots - averaged close to 30 points a game in a league where teams averaged around 60. He carried us to the finals, where we lost to a team (the Timberwolves) with 3 kids who were 6 feet tall and theoretically 14 or younger. When Mike left the game for the last time in the fourth quarter of the championship with us down at least 10, he got a standing ovation. And it was deserved. I think the rest of the team had 4.3 points.

He was so good my dad noticed him during tryouts before the teams were even drafted. My dad was waiting for me to try out, and Mike, whose last name came before mine alphabetically, played first. (Every six players alphabetically played 3 on 3 for about 5 minutes before all of the coaches.) When we left that night, my dad mentioned a really talented player named Michael Green. At the time, I didn't really think much about it.

Then, a couple weeks later, when the teams had been established, we (The Magic) had a scrimmage. We played the Sixers and won by a few points, with me dropping 17 and my coach calling me a sleeper. (Apparently I was a 6th round pick). At that point I had no idea Mike was on the team, because he wasn't at the scrimmage. After the game the coach mentioned that we would be even better with our first round pick, Michael Green. My dad heard this, and looked up from his magazine and said, "Michael Green is on this team?" My coach replied "Oh yeah".

The thing is, we were already good. Mike made us awesome. At the time I didn't realize how cool it was to play with someone of his caliber, someone who made everyone around him better. And now I can watch him play in the big dance. That, my friends, is fucking cool. And so, the point of this story, other than the fact that I dropped 17 points in an organized basketball game, is that it's a small world. You never know who might get famous, so make sure all of your friends and teammates autograph something you own. That, and the Timberwolves were a bunch of cheaters. 6 foot tall 14 year olds my ass.

Name That Team: The Minnesota Twins

Quick, name the team that won the AL Central last year. I'll give you a hint: it was not the Tigers. I know, I know, it sure seemed like the Tigers won the division, especially when you consider how easily they dispatched the rest of the American League in the playoffs. But the hottest team down the stretch was none other than the Minnesota Twins, a team that manages to win despite a small payroll and fans that say "pop" instead of "soda". It's fucking soda you northern yokels!

All dialectical differences aside, the Twins will return much of the talent that won them the division last year, including the AL MVP, the AL batting champ and the AL Cy Young award winner. The players to which I am referring are, respectively, first baseman Justin Morneau, catcher Joe Mauer, and the best pitcher in the game, Johan Santana. By the way, has any team ever boasted those 3 award winners on one roster (not including a time when one guy won two of the three)? I would be willing to bet it has never happened before, but I would not be willing to look it up. I don't get paid for this.

Anyway, much of the Twins' star power remains intact, especially on the offensive end. Torri Hunter is still there, and in a contract year. Apparently Michael Cuddyer is good (24 and 109 last year). Pink thong wearer Nick Punto is fast. And watch out for shortstop Jason Bartlett. Can you say breakout? I can. Breakout.

So is this team even flawed? Oh hell yes. After Santana there's... well, Russ Ortiz. Yep, that Russ Ortiz. At least he used to be good. Can't say the same for degenerate Sidney Ponson, who is also in the mix for a starting rotation job. Boof Bosner and Matt Garza both have a ton of talent and should start for this team, but Garza is still really young and Bosner's first name is "Boof", which is hardly trustworthy. Francisco Liriano, who was looking like the second best pitcher in baseball last year until he suffered an elbow injury in September, will unfortunately miss most, if not all, of the 2007 season. The Twins really could have used him. He may have been the greatest fantasy sleeper of all time (28 games, 16 starts, 12 wins, 2.16 ERA, 144 Ks). Hell, any baseball team really could have used him this year. Oh well.

If this team can manage to get enough leads to Joe Nathan and the rest of the stellar bullpen, they could win another division title in what might be the toughest division in baseball. It's a really big "if" though. Still, this team will probably find a way to sneak into the playoffs and then lose to a team with a payroll that doubles its own. Over-under on wins: 90.

Joey Porter Might Have Issues

You know, it's one thing when your pitbulls eat a horse, as Joey Porter's dogs did a few months ago. But when you get in a fight with another NFL player, off the field, in a casino, I mean, come on Joey. Show a little common sense. Levi Jones, the guy whom you assaulted, plays offense. You play defense. You're going to have ample chances to fight him semi-legally on the field during the season.

And maybe he was talking trash at the blackjack table. That's when you split tens when he has $300,000 riding on his next card. You don't need to step outside and fight him. It's a casino, not a strip club. Even Adam Jones thinks you crossed the line.

Also, Manny Ramirez is selling a grill on eBay for $4,000. He claims he only used it once. My guess is Manny tried grilling something and then realized that he is way too rich to be cooking for himself. And he could really used those four Gs. He only makes, like, $19 million a year. Clearly he is feeling the pinch. But hey, he will throw in an autographed baseball if you buy his grill.
One final Philly note: Kevin Curtis, welcome to town! The Eagles found themselves the white Donte Stallworth. With working hamstrings! Oh, who am I kidding? It wasn't a bad signing, but I really don't care. Baseball is 12 days away. 12 days! I can't wait. More team previews to come soon, I promise.

50 is a Big Number

50 points. The Sixers lost to the Houston Rockets by 50 points last night. Fifty. What is this, high school girls basketball? NBA teams don't lose by 50. At home. I don't care if the Rockets are really good and surging (6-2) now that the Chinese Tom Brady is back. There is no excuse for losing by 50, even if you are a Philadelphia sports team.

I didn't watch much of the game, but let's recap some interesting numbers, shall we? The Rockets got out to a 21-6 lead, from which the Sixers clearly never recovered. The Rockets outrebounded the Sixers 54-36 and made 7 more three pointers than Philly. The Sixers were a whopping 27 for 80 from the field. 27 for 80! They missed 53 shots! That is hard to do. And here's the real doozy: the Rockets had 54 points in the paint. The Sixers - (WARNING: those with weak stomachs, stop reading now) - eight. Eight points in the paint. Compared to 54. That my friends, is a beatdown.

All I can really say is that it's good to see the Sixers returning to their midseason form with the hopes to land Oden or Durant. They had won 8 of 10 coming into this game and were on the verge of making the playoffs in the pathetic Eastern Conference. This would cost them their first round pick. And yes, they would still have Denver's and Dallas', but Denver looks like a playoff team and Dallas will have the last pick in the draft because there is no way in hell anyone is beating them in a 7 game series in June. Forfeiting a lottery pick for the right to get thumped by Detroit or Cleveland in the first round is NOT a good idea.

Still, this is Philadelphia and Billy King is still in charge, so I am prepared for the worst. When the Sixers lose to Dallas in the Finals and Andre Iguodala breaks his neck in triple overtime of a tragic game seven loss, don't say I didn't warn you.

Early Thoughts on the Madness

Only one real upset so far, and it couldn't happened to a more deserving team - Duke. I don't even care that I picked them to win (I'm currently in 3rd in the JCMJ Bracket Challenge). I'm just happy to see a team with the same letters as my old graf crew advance. I knew I should have picked them to honor Victimless Crime Unit. Oh well.

Georgetown started slow but handled their business. Oden looked good. Methinks Stanford didn't belong there. Effin' eggheads. Deep down they probably enjoyed the vicious butt-raping the 'Ville gave them. (When a guy who went to NYU is making gay swipes at you, your school is gay.) I got nothing against Stanford though. There were just more deserving teams, like Syracuse and Drexel.

Anyway, I'm heading to New York tomorrow to celebrate the birth of Maniac Magee and the magnanimity of some guy named Patrick who now has a day. A day for drinking. I'll be back Monday. Enjoy the tourney responsibly.

On the Brink of Madness

Well, it's almost here. It's that thing that makes everyone a college basketball fan in March. The Big Dance. Games all day tomorrow. Games all day Friday. Games all day Saturday. Games all day Sunday. And then there will be only 16 teams left. The selection committee overlooked the Fighting Violets of my alma mater, but we're pretty used to it by now. They're just scared we might win. It's not like NYU students need another excuse to get fucked up.

Anyway, who do I think will win? We'll, I honestly only filled out one bracket for the Just Call Me Juice Bracket Challenge. I think Georgetown will win it all, but one of my buddies pointed out that their guards might not be good enough to win the whole thing. This may indeed be true, but I'm betting that that front court will be too much for anyone to handle. Roy Hibbert is nasty when not in foul trouble. And Jeff Green is downright measty. But this is college basketball in March and anything can happen.

The rest of my Final Four includes Florida, Texas A&M and UCLA. But I'd be lying if I said I truly know anything about college basketball. I am a fair weather fan at best. All I am sure of is that when 'Nova takes on Kentucky on Friday, the Wildcats will win.

(Aren't I just too fucking clever?)

Name That Team: Los Metropolianos de Nueva York

The Mets were good last year. Really good. They built a huge lead early on in the NL East and coasted after the break. Unfortunately for the Mets, they were unlucky in terms of injuries and were just not able to beat a hot Cardinals team in the playoffs. The Mets were clearly the best team in the National League last year during the regular season, but baseball doesn't give a trophy for what you do in the regular season.

Still, despite what Jimmy Rollins has to say, the Mets are the team to beat in the NL East, if not the entire National League.

Let's start with the good: the line up. I mean, damn. Reyes, Lo Duca, Beltran, Delgado, Wright, Alou, Green and Valentin is a frightening 1-8. Maybe the best in baseball. Well, okay, it isn't even the best line up in New York, but still. It's good. And Reyes and Wright are 23 (will be 24 in June) and 24 respectively. We're talking about a probable hall of fame left side of the infield for years to come. Let there be no doubt, this team will score runs.

Now the bad: the rotation. Here's what it looks like when healthy (which it isn't right now): Tito Puente, Wilford Brimley, Fidel Castro... oh wait, I was only looking at the birthdays. Sorry. It's Pedro Martinez (still effective when healthy, but he isn't Pedro anymore), Tom Glavine and Orlando Hernandez (possibly even older than Julio Franco, who I believe is 104). The point is, in addition to the aforementioned geezers, the Mets need two of these 3 guys to step up and be effective starters if they want to return to the NLCS or beyond: John Maine (good last year, but still very inexperienced), Oliver Perez (2004 might have been the fluke, not the past 2 years) and Chan Ho Park (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... heh, sorry, but you get the idea).

Even if Maine and Park pitch well, the X factor is still Perez. If he pitches like he did in 2004 (12-10, 2.98, 239 Ks) this team could be scary once again. But Perez had an ERA above 5 in 2003 and in 2005, so I wouldn't hold my breath. The kid (he'll be 26 in August) still has great stuff and plenty of time to refine it, but he might not have the mental make up for long-term success. And yes, I know, he was good in the postseason last year, but that is a very small sample. Was he worth the gamble last year? Absolutely. The Mets didn't need Xavier Nady. But he's still a gamble. Over-under wins: 92.

Not-so-random-side-note/rant: Billy Wagner, you are a piece of shit. The Phillies aren't committed to winning? Really? In September 2005 you blew BACK TO BACK games to the Astros, the team that finished ONE GAME ahead of the Phillies in the wild card race that year. If you do your job 50% of the time that weekend, guess who makes the playoffs? Oh My Fucking God, it's the Phillies! Not comitted to winning? I think the fact that they didn't resign your horsefucking self is proof that they are indeed committed to winning. I hate you. I hope J.D. Drew gives you AIDS. Shithead.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Selection Sunday. Baseball is 3 weeks away. The weather is getting nice. St. Patty's Day. February is 11 and a half months away. Hallelujah. The only downside right now is how much money the Patriots are spending. I hate the Patriots. Tom Brady's chin looks like my ass and yet he's banging Gisele? Weak. You go to hell Tom Brady. You look like a white Yao Ming. Seriously. You do.


Don't tell me you don't see a resemblance.

Name That Team: The Philadelphia Phillies

Welcome to part five of the 30 part series in which this blog previews all 28 major league teams as well as the Royals and the Nationals. There's a good chance these previews won't be done before the season starts, so I'm going to try to get the interesting teams done first. Next up, the love of my life, The Phillies!

On paper, the Phils look good. But they've looked good on paper ever since they signed Jim Thome 4 years ago, so really, that doesn't mean a damn thing. But seriously, this could be one hell of a team. Everyone seems to think the bullpen is the biggest problem the team has, and while it isn't perfect, they could always throw John Leiber back there. He said he would be willing. But he will probably be traded for a set up guy, which I think would be dumb. He's worth more than that despite a sub-par 2006.

The biggest problem the Phillies have is finding someone to adequately protect Hurkaleez. No one pitched to him down the stretch last year, and if you think I'm convinced Pat Burrell, Taker of Called Third Strikes, is going to be the man he was in 2002 or 2005, you're greatly mistaken. Look, I desperately want Pat to succeed, and who knows, maybe he will. But I'm not holding my breath.

That brings us to the two X factors of the Phillies this year: Burrell and Cole Hamels, possible Steve Carlton clone. If both have good years (.275, 35, 115, less than 200 Ks for Burrell; 17 wins, 3.5 era or less, 200 ks or more for Hamels) then the Phillies might win the damn World Series. (Deep breath Lionel, deep breath.) If one falters, they could still make the playoffs. If both have bad years, we're in for another disappointing year.

The team does have legitimate, unmistakable bright spots, however. You think Rollins, Victorino, Utley, Howard doesn't scare the living bejesus out of any pitcher? Hell, you think Utley and Howard by themselves don't scare the living bejesus (didn't think I would use that word twice in one post, did you?) out of any pitcher? Shit, I'm scared. And I root for those guys.

As far as pitching goes, Freddy Garcia, Brett "The Hitman" Myers, Hamels, Jamie Moyer and Adam Eaton is solid, if not the best rotation in the NL. Is the bullpen perfect? Hell no. But do you think it matters if the offense is scoring 7 runs a game and the starters consistently go 6 innings or more? Nope. Now, do I think it will all come together like that? Are you kidding? I'm a Phillies fan. I'll be surprised if they win 12 games. Still, to keep things objective, over-under: 95 wins.

RIP Vuke

My memories of John Vukovich, former Phillies player and coach, are few yet fond. He was a prominent figure (3rd base coach) on the '93 team that will forever hold place in my heart next to boobs and bacon. And one time at baseball camp when I was just a wee lad, I met him and he signed my glove. I'm pretty sure I have since lost that glove, but I digress.

Vuke, seen above right with resident blowhard Angelo Cataldi, was the quintessential Phillie: lovable, hard-working, and terribly untalented. I looked up his career numbers, and man, they sure are bad, at least offensively. Known for his work with the glove, Vuke spent most of his career as Mike Schmidt's back up. He has a career average of .161, yet he had an 11 year tenure as a major leaguer. As my dad put it, "His batting average shows you just how good of a fielder he was". Indeed.

A brain tumor, with which he had been battling for years, finally claimed the ever-resilient Vukovich at the not-so-ripe old age of 59. The tumor might have won, but I'll bet it knows it was in a fight. I'm not sure why I'm going to miss Vuke, but I will. Maybe it's because he meant so much to people who meant so much to me as a kid. Or maybe it's just because I miss any deceased former Phillie, no matter how large or small his role with the team. (RIP Jimmy Bloodworth, you are not forgotten.)

But I guess that's part of being a sports fan. You grow attached to people you don't even know, even if they did scribble on a piece of leather for which you paid a lot of money. Rest in peace Vuke. You deserve it.

Did O.J. Do it?

I mean, we know he hit it. But is he the father of Anna Nicole's baby? According to the most reputable newspaper around, the New York Post, O.J. is "throwing his hat into the ring." God help us all.

Now I don't want to basically repeat the article, but the Juice did make a quip about Fred Goldman possibly going after the baby's inheritance should O.J. somehow be given custody of that poor baby. O.J. is acting like Goldman is a jerk or something. I mean, all the Juice did was turn the man's son into a Pez dispenser. Get over it guy. Sheesh.

If O.J. is indeed the father of that baby, well... who the fuck am I kidding, there's no way he's the father. But then again, there was no way he was innocent regarding Ron and Nicole. Shows what I know. All I do know is that Anna Nicole was a slut. God bless 'er.

Boo This Man!

Donte Stallworth recently checked into the NFL's substance abuse program for marijuana use. Marijuana? If Thurgood Jenkins' attempt to speak at an NA meeting is any proof, it's that marijuana is not a drug. (For those of you not in the know, Thurgood Jenkins was Dave Chappelle's character in Half Baked.) He tried to say he was addicted to marijuana, and he got booed off the stage by those with far more serious problems. Bob Saget, playing a former junkie, made the greatest cameo of all time, leading to this exchange (if you want exact footage, and believe me, you do, click here):

Saget (as junkie): Marijuana is not a drug! I used to suck dick for coke!
Random Crackhead: I seen 'im!
Saget: That's an addiction man. You ever suck dick for some marijuana?!
Chappelle (as Thurgood): No... No I can't say that I have.
Saget: I didn't think so.
Random Crackhead: Boo this man!

And the crowd proceeds to pelt poor Thurgood with trash until he is forced to leave the meeting.

You see, the point is Donte, you're full of it. You're clearly doing this because you know you're about to fail a piss test, and by taking this preemptive measure, you avoid suspension. I'm not saying it isn't smart, and I'm not saying marijuana isn't a substance that can't be abused. I'm just saying that somewhere, Lawrence Taylor is calling you a pussy.

But let's move on to the bigger issue here: suspension for marijuana use. I mean, hey NFL, why even test for it? I can guarantee it isn't a performance enhancer. Yes, it's illegal, but who cares? You should be budgeting your time and money towards more productive tests, like 'roids. And, if the same test is used to detect both, and I doubt it is, then so be it. But really, who cares what the players do in the off-season, provided they don't try to play God and make it rain indoors.

However, I will say this to all the NFLers out there reading this : Um, can't you go a few years without weed? You risk losing all kinds of already non-guaranteed money by smoking up. Make your loot, retire, and THEN blaze enough to make Snoop proud. Curtailing marijuana use isn't hard. ( I have my sources.) Until the NFL decides to stop punishing you for it, just stop doing it while you're active, even during the off-season. It isn't like you're broke and that nick bag you just copped is all you've got going for you today. You're professional athletes! You can live without one somewhat fun vice for a decade. Besides, if you do lay off the trees, maybe you wont get booed as much.

My Take on an Old Favorite

"Take Me Out to the Ballgame"

(the Phillies fan version)

Take me out to the ballgame.
Take me out with the loud
And drunk and obnoxious Philly fans.
We throw all kinds of things from the stands.
And it's root root root for the Phillies
If they don't win it's normaaaaalllllll...
Cause it's one, two, three strikes and you're out if your name's Pat Burrell.

(chug a beer and repeat as needed)

Ah, life as a Phils fan. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Well, okay, maybe, maybe, one night of consentual sex with Adriana Lima. Ay. Dios. Mio. Okay, so it's not maybe. Sorry Phillies, but not even Chase Utley is that pretty... 28 days. Only 28 more days.

Some NFL Notes Before Baseball Takes Over

Only 29 more days till Opening Day. Oh hell yes. Anyway, with the free agent signing period of the NFL off and running, some interesting moves have been made. A few teams are making aggressive moves (Patriots, 49ers) and looking to spend a lot to get them to the next level. For the 49ers that level would be legit respectability and the playoffs - looking like a real possibility, especially in the wide open NFC West. For the Patriots, it is clear they will be satisfied only with a fourth ring in seven years, also a distinct possibility.

The 49ers dropped a 10 year, $80 million contract on cornerback Nate Clements. Now don't get me wrong, Clements is a very good player, and his numbers back that up, but Jesus, that is a lot of money. It makes him the highest paid defender of all time. In 96 career games (that's six seasons without missing a game) he has recorded 23 interceptions and forced 13 fumbles, impressive numbers indeed. But I'm not sure anyone is worth that. That being said, the Niners had a lot of cap room to work with and whoever signed Clements was going to have to overspend.

The Niners also signed former Iggle Michael Lewis, who for some reason lost his starting job this year despite making the Pro Bowl in 2004. Lewis was a legit liability in coverage, but the Eagles were terrible against the run this year and that is where he excels. So why was he benched? I have no idea. But that's why they don't pay me the big bucks. Anyway, the Niners, who made major strides forward this season with the emergence of QB Alex Smith and Pro Bowl RB Frank Gore, will be good. Are they good enough to dethrone Seattle atop the NFC West? Hard to say. Depends on how good Shaun Alexander will be next year, as well as how far Smith continues to elevate his game. But they should at least be a wild card team.

Now there's the issue of the Patriots. Fuck the Patriots. They can all go to hell. Sign Adalius Thomas will you? Release Corey Dillon to allow for the beastly emergence of Lawrence Maroney eh? Thinking about Donte Stallworth or Randy Moss are you? Die. Just fucking die already. You guys made me cheer for Peyton Manning. I hate Peyton Manning. And I hate the Patriots. But I will never say they aren't a beautifully run organization, probably the best run one in all of U.S. pro sports. Consider them my current pick to win the Super Bowl. Those fucks.

The Bucs signed Jeff Garcia. Attention Eagles fans who wanted him to stay: you're fucking morons. Look, it would have been nice to keep him around for next to nothing as a security blanket. It's clear he knows how to run the west coast offense. But Tampa Bay gave him $5 million a year. No way in hell the Eagles pay a back-up that kind of money. Also, Philadelphia sports fans are notorious for turning on athletes and creating controversy when there shouldn't be one. The last thing we need is for arrogant, self-absorbed loudmouths calling for Garcia when McNabb throws his first interception of 2007. So, sorry if the cold shoulder you got offended and hurt you Jeff. We really do appreciate the great work you did in your short tenure here. But the Eagles brass did the right thing. Too bad we can't say the same thing about how they handled that faggot to whom you used to throw.

And, last but not least, the Rams gave Drew Bennett, white wide receiver Drew Bennett, a 6 year, $30 million deal. Um, WHAT? Look, Drew Bennett is good. But he isn't that good. Maybe the Rams were worried about their token white wide receiver quota not being met now that Kevin Curtis will probably be leaving via free agency. You know St. Louis, you probably could have gotten Ricky Proehl back for a lot less. I hear he isn't doing much with his time these days.

Oh well. That's it for now on the NFL. I want Joey Porter on the Eagles. I don't understand the contract Ryan Howard signed, or didn't sign, but I do think he will hit 113 home runs this year, give or take a few. If he ever plays a game for anyone other than the Phils, I'm stabbing hundreds and hundreds of people. Only 29 days. Deep breath. Deep breath.

Pat Burrell: Pisser of Beds. Thrower of Lamps. Taker of Called Third Strikes. Deadbeat of Dads?

While having a drink or two after work with a coworker of mine earlier this week, I heard some very inflammatory information regarding current and former Phillies. Let me make this abundantly clear before I continue: the rest of this post is hearsay. I don't have proof. Only word of a coworkers mouth. And I'm inclined to believe her, because honestly, it's more fun that way.

According to my colleague, who apparently dated Jason Michaels, former Phil, for a brief period in 2003, Pat Burrell parties hard. So hard that he once crashed at Michaels' and Nick Punto's apartment and pissed Punto's bed. Upon awakening and realizing that people knew what happened and were laughing at him, Burrell chucked a lamp at the amused parties.

Side Notes: My coworker claims Jason Michaels is on the 'roids and that she saw a needle of his. She also claims Punto used to wear his ex girlfriend's pink thong around his apartment while drunk. Again, I don't have legit proof, but if a girl were to lie about hooking up with baseball players, would she really be lying about Nick Punto and Jason Michaels? I doubt it.

On to the main point of the story: this coworker of mine claims that Pat Burrell knocked up her sister and is the father of her three year old niece. She showed me video footage of said niece, and, while it was on a cell phone, I'll be damned if that kid didn't resemble Pat the Bat. Burrell is apparently fighting this and claiming the girl isn't his kid, but according to my coworker, her sister has a lawyer and this is far from over.

Now honestly, I couldn't care less about Pat's illegitimate children. The man makes 13 million dollars a year and if some gold digger snagged him because he was too stupid to wrap it up - and this situation in particular is not that of a gold digger, I'm just generalizing here - then pay her. (Apparently Pat has claimed to "have beaten 7 of these before".) I just want the man to hit well. And if this paternity case is fucking with his head, well, he best clear it up. Take a lesson from Trevis, Pat. To avoid trouble, use a rubber. Now go fucking protect Ryan in the line up, before I write some really bad, truthful stuff about you. You fucking overpaid fuck.