The Vast Majority of the World's Current Problems Can Be Blamed on Bud Selig

Now, I know what you're thinking: Bud Selig is a worthless piece of shit, but surely tragedies like Katrina and the Iraq War (yes, at this point our involvement has reached tragic proportions - if you feel otherwise feel free to send your explanation to 3,000+ American families and countless more Iraqis) can't be blamed on Bud, right? WRONG. It's all his fault. Let me break it down for you.

The year was 1992. Biggie and Pac were still alive. The Lions weren't the laughingstock of the NFL. The New Commander-in-Chief was just beginning to realize he could stick his dick anywhere he pleased, including ugly women and fat chicks. And a group of crude, lovable, mullet-sporting drunks were one year away from representing the National League in the World Series. All was right in the world. (Except for the part about the Lions.) And then, things started to go awry, especially for baseball.

It should be noted that, at this time, a certain slack-jawed yokel was running the Texas Rangers (into the ground). It was in 1992 that then-current commissioner Fay Vincent resigned after an 18-9 no confidence vote by the owners, led by Big Bad Bud himself. Shortly thereafter, Selig assumed the role of acting commissioner, a role he kept until 1998, when he was officially made The Commish.

It should also be noted that in 1992, the same aforementioned slack-jawed yokel wanted to be the commissioner of Major League Baseball. But the owners went with Selig instead, eventually leading to G-Dubs running for (and becoming) Governor of Texas in 1994. All Selig did in 1994 was preside over a players strike that began on my 10th birthday and did irreparable damage to my childhood. Fuck you, Bud Selig.

Now, had George W. Bush become the commissioner of baseball, I think he would have done a pretty good job. I don't think he would have let a strike happen and I know he would not have tolerated steroids. I'm pretty sure he had multiple people in Texas executed for farting in church. Do you really think he would have allowed illegal drug use to run rampant throughout America's pastime, culminating in Ed Bighead breaking Hank Aaron's all-time homerun record? Aw hell naw. He would not have stood for that. (And yes, I did just shamelessly self-promote in that link. Deal with it.)

And, not only would baseball be in better shape, but more importantly, someone other than Dick Che- er, George W Bush would be the current president! Everybody wins! Except Dick Cheney. But you know what? Fuck him. And fuck Bud Selig. This is all his fault.