Kevin Kolb? Really?

Because we needed a QB that badly? You have that little confidence in Donovan McNabb, at worst the 4th best QB in the league? Yes, he has been banged up. But he is also not that old. We could have used other things, like a linebacker or a cornerback. Or Dwayne Jarrett. Kolb's college numbers are very impressive, but he played in Conference USA. And we could have gotten him much later in the draft.

Look, the last time I second guessed an Andy Reid QB draft pick it was McNabb, and well, I guess I was wrong. But this seemed like a reach. As for Tony Hunt, well I would have preferred Michael Bush. He's a first round talent with an unfortunate injury his last year. Willis McGahee anyone? He still hasn't been drafted. Take him if he is available.

Also, Dallas totally ripped Cleveland off. Even if Quinn is a legit NFL QB - and I think he is - they aren't winning more than five games next year. Dallas will have an early first round pick, which blows. I hate Dallas. That being said, I think Cleveland had a decent first round. A potential franchise QB/left tackle combo is solid. But, they are the Browns. Both will be dead or crippled by 2009.

Al in all, the first round today may have been the most useless 7.5 hours in the history of the world. Excuse me while I return my attention to baseball for the next 5 months.

Dear AC Milan,

Hi. My name is Lionel. I love soccer, and think you guys are gosh darn swell at it. There's just this one minor problem, and I understand why it has been easy to overlook. You see, in general, it is a good idea to have as many Brazilians on your roster as possible. They're really good at soccer. That guy Kaka on your team? Awesome. But here's the rub - Brazilians suck at goalie. And your goalie? Well, he's Brazilian.

You see, this guy Dida, he's cost you multiple games I have watched you play in the past few years. And I haven't even seen you play that many games. That game you lost to Deportivo in 2004 when you had a 4-1 lead on aggregate and only need to NOT LOSE 4-0 AT HOME to advance? Well, you lost 4-0. At home. And at least two of those goals were entirely his fault. And that game in 2005 you blew to Liverpool? Well, that was everyone's fault. But he didn't help matters, that's for sure.

So anyway, I'm watching you today on TV play Manchester United. They're good at soccer too. But you guys should have beaten them. And you would have if anyone other than Dida were your goalie. Okay, okay, maybe not anyone, but you guys can afford a top flight keeper. He isn't one. Kasey Keller would be a HUGE step up and I know you could lure him away from whatever mid-level English cub he's playing for now.

The first goal, which came off of a header, went through Dida's arms and hit him in the shoulder, bounced up, was heading towards the goal, and, in a feeble attempt to swat it away, he knocked it into the net. Yes, there were other players in the area. Yes, it would have been a very nice save. And yes, there are quite a few other keepers out there who would have made said save.

The second goal was excusable. Rooney made a great run. The third goal? Oh my. My oh my. Look, it was a hell of a shot by Rooney (he's good), but it had no business going in. It was the 92nd minute. It beat Dida near post. That CAN'T happen. Ever. Goalies who play for teams as good as you DO NOT allow near post goals from anyone other than the lord himself (Zidane). And he doesn't play for Man U.

So really, do yourself a favor. Get help. Goalkeeping help. The rest of your team is too good for that bum to keep starting for you. Plus, I think Gattuso is getting ready to bite him in the throat. They don't call him "The Snarling Dog" for nothing.

Sincerely,

Lionel McClure

Cole Hamels is Fuckin' Sexy

Got the win? Check. Complete game? Check. 15 Ks? Check. Getting someone to hit into a triple play? Check. Is there anything this young lefty can't do? I say no. It's reall gonna suck when the Phillies trade him for 3 prospects 5 years from now. I just hope they win a world series first.

Speaking of wins, they finally got two in a row. Am I optimistic? Nah. But I sippose it's a step in th right direction. A step in the wrong direction, however, is relegating Myers to middle relief duties. Put your best starter in the bullpen? Don't make him the closer? Charlie Manuel is a fucking idiot. But we knew that.

Dial 4-1-1 for Fuck

The Phillies are 4-ll. God. Dammit. Worst record in the National League. Even worse than the Nationals. You know who hits clean up for the Nationals? Me neither! Fuck. This sucks.

Also, A-Rod is really good at baseball. 12 home runs and 30 RBIs in FIFTEEN FUCKING GAMES?! Ay caramba. He's 25 home runs away from 500. And people will still give him shit till he comes through in the playoffs. Oh well. Can't say I feel sorry for him. He, like Terrell Owens, has 25 million reasons to not get my pity. Another thing they have in common is their love of dick.

In other news, I think the NHL playoffs started. On a more important note, I took 3 dumps yesterday. I wiped twice.

Something is Drastically Wrong with Our Planet

There is snow on the ground outside my house. It's April 16th. The Phillies have had consecutive games postponed due to snow. SNOW! In April! Postponing baseball games! WTF man? W. T. F?

They got like 11 feet in Cleveland in the past week. I think Miami is underwater. California is floating towards Japan. I just want to watch baseball. I just want my fantasy teams to accrue decent numbers. I just want spring to feel like, oh, I don't know, spring.

This planet is dying. And I'd be lying if I said I knew exactly what to do about it. All I know is that if Philly is underwater before I see a championship, I'm bitch-slapping God.

Don't say I didn't warn you big guy.

The Phillies Are Bad, mmm kay?

Jesus they suck. Especially the coaches. Victorino on 2nd, Utley on 1st. Bottom of the 8th. No one out. You're down 8-6. Howard rips a single to right. Do you send Victorino home? Of course you do! Why? Because you're a fucking idiot! YOU ARE DOWN TWO. YOU DO NOT NEED TO RISK GETTING HIM THROWN OUT AT THE PLATE WHEN YOU STILL NEED ANOTHER RUN. Guhhhhhhhhh.

Naturally, he was thrown out and the Phillies grounded into a double play right afterward. They lost 9-6. Kill me. Do it now, and make it fast. I don't need this. They're on pace to win 32 games. Something tells me they will win more than that. Something tells me they will also miss the playoffs. Again.

Phillies baseball. It's fannnnn-tastic.

The End of an Era

The Drew Bledsoe Era has come to a close folks. I for one, am sad. Drew, one the NFL's few class acts, will be hanging up his size 42 boots, which I think were made of lead. At least he brought us this despite being benched midway through last season.

One thing you could rely on Bledsoe for was comically woeful performances under pressure. After that interception he threw to end the game against the Eagles last October, a buddy of mine sent me a text message saying "Classic Bledsoe". My only possible response was "CLASSIC".

So, as one era ends, sadness abounds. But there is a silver lining: the Tony Romo Era! Ladies and gentleman, this is going to be cool. Let's take quick look at NFC East QBs, shall we? Jason Campbell (unproven at best), Tony Romo (mediocre talent, possibly gay), Eli Manning (mediocre talent at best, definitely gay), and Donovan McNabb (legit superstar).

Something tells me the Eagles will be holding on to this division for a while.

Movin' On Up

In addition to my duties here at RTR, I have decided to contribute to The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes. Why? Because I want more exposure, that's why. Plus, these guys know how to write. You can view my first post there by clicking here.

Sorry dad. But you had it coming after eating all of my butter-cream eggs.

And don't worry folks, I'll still be updating this blog on the regular. Just be sure to give my moonlighting gig the attention it deserves.

Jimmy Was Right

The Phillies ARE the team to beat. Hell, everyone is beating them. The Braves. The Marlins. The Mets. The Bad News Bears. Engelberg went 3-4 yesterday with 4 RBIs and two steals. Even Lupus went yard. I mean, shit, this getting ridiculous.

Today, with the bases loaded with one out in the bottom of the 8th, Jimmy Rollins flubbed a double play ball that would have gotten the Phillies out of the inning with a 5-4 lead. They lost 11-5 today to the Mets. Fuck-ing wonderful. They are now 1-6. Is the season over? Of course not. But if they keep playing like this, what's the point? They aren't hitting with runners in scoring position. They aren't fielding well. The much maligned bullpen has been quite, um, malignable? Yeah, that isn't a word. But you get the idea.

Meanwhile, around the league, Chris Carpenter is hurt, Brad Lidge lost his job and Mike Hampton is hurt again. I know, I know, hard to believe.

Someone I never heard of won the Masters. He thanked Jesus. Tiger sucked it up. Maybe Jesus is a racist.

I've eaten three chocolate rabbits in the last 24 hours because that racist golf fan died for my sins 2000 years ago. I fucking love Easter.

Dice-K Dazzles Royals, Obnoxiousness Level of Sox Fans Rising

Daisuke Matsuzaka, the pitcher the Red Sox spent 103 million dollars on, pitched quite well against the lowly Royals Thursday. Dice-K - which, by the way, might the dumbest nickname of all time; I only use it because typing out his real name takes longer - was excellent, striking out 10, walking only one and allowing only one run. Zach Grienke, who left the Royals with emotional issues last year, also looked good. (Fantasy sleeper anyone?)

However, as good as Matsuzaka looked, as Winston Wolf would say, "Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet." Yeah, he looked good, but the Royals are easily the worst American League team. I could have struck out 3 of them. Let's see how he does against the Yankees, or even the Devil Rays. And, speaking of those Devil Rays, they're in first place. Enjoy it Rays fans. It wont last. Oh wait, the Devil Rays don't have fans. Never mind then.

Also, A-Rod hit a very clutch grand slam in the bottom of the 9th today to beat the Orioles. Jeter said he might let A-Rod be the top tonight. I have my doubts.

All in all it's good to have baseball back, even in the Phillies are sucking royally. Everyone around here is buying into the "Well, they always start slow" camp. Well, they never make the fucking playoffs either! Teams that start fast almost always have good records because they can afford to coast during the dog days of summer. The Mets and Braves are already both 4-1. Every game counts. The sooner the Phils start winning them, the better. But I'm not holding my breath.

Maybe, in a Past Life, I Was Hitler

I must have been. What else could I have possibly have done to deserve being a Philadelphia sports fan? I. Just. Don't. Fucking. Get. It. Maybe I should just stop watching sports and become a Buddhist.

I hate baseball.

So, When Does Football Season Start?

The Phillies aren't ones to break tradition, so naturally they lost their opener. They lost to the Braves, a team I find myself hating and respecting more and more as the seasons move along. Also, they failed to hit with runners in scoring position, most notably having runners on 2nd and 3rd with no one out in the 7th while leading 3-2 and failing to add on any insurance, despite both Howard and Utley having at bats with one and two outs, respectively. They went on to lose 5-3 in extra innings.

Also, Ryan Howard hit 3rd. What the fuck Charlie? Those two singles he had with no one on were super useful. The man is a clean up hitter. If someone wants to kill Charlie Manuel, I will honor them with a blog entry. Jesus he sucks. But it isn't all his fault. No, the Phillies are notorious when it comes to doing whatever it takes to lose, and it appears 2007 will be no different. Fabulous. I'm going to bed. Wake me when it's over.

The Condensed Baseball Preview

I tried writing previews for every team. Really. I did. But I don't get paid for this shit. I can't do research and write several paragraphs for every baseball team. I have a life. It isn't much of one, and I'm certainly not bragging about it, but it exists. I do work 35+ hours a week. And as much as I would like to be able to read and write a ton about every baseball team, well, it just isn't going to happen. So, without further ado, the Roughing the Reader Condensed Baseball Preview!

National League:

NL East Winner: The Phillies (I have to pick them)
NL Central: The Brewers
NL West: The Dodgers
Wild Card: The Mets
MVP: Albert Pujols (a stretch, I know, but watch, he's gonna be good.)
Cy Young: Carlos Zambrano
Team That Might Surprise You: The Diamondbacks
Breakout Player: Conor Jackson
Uber Breakout Player: Garret Atkins
Home Runs by Pat Burrell: 32
Illegitimate Children Fathered by Pat Burrell: 3

American League:

AL East Winner: The Red Sox
Al Central Winner: The Tigers
Al West Winner: The Mighty Ducks... I mean the Angels
Wild Card: The Yankees
MVP: David Ortiz (Finally)
Cy Young: Roy Halladay if healthy, Johan Santana otherwise
Team That Might Surprise You: The Royals (Hear me out: I don't think they're going to compete for a playoff spot, or even play .500 ball. I just think they don't lose 100, which would surprise a lot of people.)
Breakout Player: Delmon Young
Uber Breakout Player: Nick Markakis
Home Runs by Alex Rodriguez: 49
Playoff Home Runs by Alex Rodriguez: 0

Playoffs:

NLCS: Phillies over Dodgers

ALCS: Tigers over Red Sox

World Series: Tigers over Phillies

Do I really, really, think the Phils are going to the World Series? Oh hell no, I'm a Phillies fan. But as an objective observer, they honestly seem like NL team best built for a run in October, provided A.) Cole Hamels pitches as well as he is capable of pitching and B.) everyone, especially Burrell, hits. Those two things are by no means guarantees, buy hey, fingers crossed baby. Fingers crossed. (They play in 11 hours! 11 hours!)