Urlacher and Spears: Separated at Birth?

Normally I would have dismissed the thought that Brian Urlacher, beastly middle linebacker for the Chicago Bears, and Britney Spears, batshit-crazy benefactor for the Federline Kevin, were related. But now that Britney slightly tweaked her personal appearance, I really think I can see the resemblance.

Let's consider the parallels, shall we? For starters, they're both bald. Urlacher's neck has a thickness roughly 11 times greater than Spears', but their overall cranial structure is pretty similar. Both have cliched tattoos. Urlacher has one of those gay tribal armbands that were cool for approximately 14.7 seconds in 1996. Spears has several tattoos that could be considered cliches, most notably the lower back tattoo - aka "Tramp Stamp" - of a fairy.

And, most noteworthy, both have had their reputation, and genitals, sullied by Paris Hilton. (By the way, the only reason I linked to that particular photo is because it is the first result from typing "filthy old slut" into a Google image search. I am not making that up.) Now I know, lots of people have had reputations and nethers ravaged by Coke Barbie, but they all have something in common: they're fucking morons. To associate with Paris Hilton, you must have some sort of inbred, genetic problem, one I bet Spears and Urlacher share, much like they undoubtedly share Hilton's Rolodex of who's who in the STD community. Chlamydia anyone?

So there you have it, proof that Britney and Brian were twins separated at birth. And I don't want to hear anything about how she's 25 and he's 28 and that random speculation, libel and rumor do not qualify as "proof", alright? It's much more fun this way.