The CFL: One Cruel Joke After Another

First Ricky Williams tried to play there despite showing up to a tryout with 3 special brownies and a bong, and now this. While perusing ESPN.com like I so often do, I stumbled across this article about a CFL player name Trevis Smith (pictured left) who had unprotected sex with two different women despite being fully aware that he was HIV positive.

He was sentenced to 5 1/2 years in jail - which seems like, oh I don't know, maybe 8 million too few, but here's what makes it great - he played for the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Believe me, I could not make that up. I am not that clever. The Roughriders! That's the name of a condom brand! If this guy isn't the spokesperson for their next ad campaign, I won't understand it. The commerical practically writes itself. Think about it: "Hi, I'm Trevis Smith. The last time I got busy without a Rough Rider condom, I did 5 1/2 years. Now, I never hit the sheets without one. Hell, I usually bring three. Because not only do I use Rough Riders, I am one." Shit, I'm sold.

Still, the irony is maddeningly hilarious. For me. Not for the women. Oh well. Ladies, you should have known better. Any time you sleep with a Roughrider, you had better have one handy.

Well done, Trevis. Teddy Roosevelt would be proud.

"Why Don't They Love Me Anymore?"

Is it my hair? Is it out of place? I used gel. And mousse. Oh it can't be my hair. Coach always says my hair is perfect. Then he pats me on the butt. And sometimes he squeezes. I like it when he squeezes. It lets me know I did a good job. I'm gonna miss him. I even enjoyed the 3 a.m. doughnut runs he used to send me on.

But enough about coach. Why is my draft stock slipping? Did I not bat my eyelashes enough? Was my mascara running? Oh god I hope it wasn't. I tried not to cry after the Sugar Bowl, but they just beat us so bad. And now JaMarcus is going to get picked first. First he beats me on the field, now he's going to get paid more money than I will. And then he'll probably boink my girlfriend. Lord knows someone has to, and lord also knows that somebody isn't me. There's something about her I just don't like. I think it's that thing between her legs that isn't a penis. Oh, I wish she had a penis.

But enough about my girlfriend. Why don't the scouts love me? Didn't they get the nude photos I sent? Weren't my stares seductive enough? Oh I know they were. Is it because I never won a meaningful game in college? And what if the Browns don't take me with the third pick? Then people are saying I might slip all the way to like, oh I don't know, I can't count that high. But it's high. Higher than seven. I can't go later than that. I won't be able to afford my Hollywood Tans membership if I get picked too late. That thought just sent a shiver down my spine. I need to cuddle someone, someone who will tell me how pretty I am and that JaMarcus is fat. All I want is to be loved. Is that so wrong? Somebody hold me.

Reunited, and it Feels So Good

The Sosa formerly known as "Slammin' Sammy" arrived to spring training in Arizona yesterday. Sosa, who signed a minor league deal with the Texas Rangers, the team that originally brought him to the Majors, hopes to make the team and pursue the 12 home runs he needs to reach 600 for his career.

My most recent memories of Sosa, the only man to hit 60 home runs in a season three times, are his pathetic appearance in congress to deny his steroid use, which if nothing else convinced me entirely of his guilt, and his even more pathetic 2005 season with the Orioles during which he hit .221 with 14 home runs and 45 RBIs, with approximately 847 strikeouts over that same span.

Sosa is washed up. If it wasn't clear when he was caught with a corked bat after his numbers with the Cubs started slipping, it was painfully clear during his season in Baltimore. I'm 99.9999999% sure he used steroids, and the complete and rapid deterioration of his skills certainly points to that. I can understand his desire to get to 600 home runs, but honestly Sammy, what's the point?

Could he end up in the Hall some day? Well, if Mark McGwire deserves to, Sosa does. But his image is forever sullied, and a last gasp effort to reach a now tarnished plateau is not going to help Sammy in the eyes of basball's voting elite. Sosa has done a lot of great things, for baseball and for his home country of the Dominican Republic. His race with McGwire during the '98 season brought new life into baseball. And, while we now look back on it as a complete farce - which it was - it is impossible to deny that it ultimately sparked fan interest and helped the game.

But that was 9 years ago Sammy. 12 more home runs at this point isn't going to be what gets you into the Hall of Fame. Either you're in already or you aren't. What happens if you don't make the team in spring training? Can you handle another embarrassment like that? I doubt it. But hey, that scenario is unlikely. I wish you the best Sammy, because honestly, I have no real reason to not do so. But stay away from Michael Young. That guy is clearly on the juice.

Name That Team: The Kansas City Royals

Oh come on. Like you really fucking care.

"Someone Get Me Ray Lewis' Lawyer"

No motherfucker, not Jamal's! That motherfucker actually did time! They used the same firm? Well fuck, they must have had different lawyers then. I want RAY'S lawyer, 'cause Ray ain't get caught. Now I'm not sayin' Ray did anything illegal, aight? I'm just sayin' his friends did some illegal shit, and I might be havin' the same problem, yaheard? Shee-it. First you just minding your own business, pourin' 80 Gs in cash on top of 40 strippers in Vegas, the next thing you know, some motherfucker got shot, somebody got a bottle of champagne broken over their head, and then the police are involved. Yo, what the fuck? I don't need this shit. You hear me man? Pacman don't need this shit! Yo get them fuckin' cuffs off of me man! Hey! Man fuck you too! Yo, I already told you motherfuckers, I don't know no one involved. I don't know that motherfucker with the gun. He ain't my boy, aight? Damn. Is this shit gonna fuck up my record? Fuck. Man I ain't sayin' shit else. Get me Ray Lewis' lawyer. Better yet, get me Johnny fuckin' Cochran! What? What you mean he's dead? Well shit, I ain't have nothin' to do with that neither. I wasn't even there. You can't prove anything. Where the fuck is my lawyer?

Name That Team: The Detroit Tigers

Welcome to part three of the 30 part series in which I will preview all 28 Major League teams, as well as the Royals and the Nationals. Last year the Detroit Tigers surprised everyone, including me, and jumped out to the best record in baseball early on. They never really slowed down and ended up winning the wild card and advancing to the World Series, primarily on the strength of their pitching.

Unfortunately for the Tigers, those arms, many of which were young and relatively inexperienced, got tired down the stretch and into the playoffs. The only starter not in his twenties is ageless wonder and probable cheater (Dirtgate anyone?) Kenny Rogers, who managed to win 17 games last year and avoid attacking any cameramen. Rogers won the only World Series game for Detroit (game 2), who then dropped 3 straight in St. Louis to give the Cardinals their first World Series title in 20 years.

With the postseason experience under their belt, this young rotation will only get better. Jeremy Bonderman and Justin Verlander (2006 AL Rookie of the Year) both look like aces, and they will being the season as the 2 and 3 starters, respectively, behind Rogers.

The line up, while not as good as the rotation, is certainly good enough, as it returns all eight field players from 2006. The only change is an improvement, which is the addition of Gary Sheffield as the new designated hitter. Sheff admitted to being a cheater in the BALCO scandal, but this is baseball and matters like that are clearly trivial. He's pissed off at the Yankees for trading him and he is determined to prove he still has something left, so look for a big year out of him.

The rest of the line up features solid hitters like Magglio Ordonez and Carlos Guillen, both of whom played very well last year. Jim Leyland is one of the best managers around and will keep this team on top of the very competitive AL Central. This team might even win it all. Over-Under on wins: 97.

Trouble in Paradise

It has been recently revealed that Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter - America's most high profile gay couple - are having relationship issues. Rodriguez, or A-Rod, if you will, spoke to the media yesterday and revealed that he and Jeter are no longer as close as they once were. Jeter denied any legitimate rift between the two, but refused to comment on their life off the field and in the bedroom.

Sources close to the couple however say that Jeter has been sleeping on the couch for over a year despite the apartment being in his name. When asked why the source replied "Well, the woman never sleeps on the couch, right?". Right indeed.

Jeter and Rodriguez went public with their relationship in 2004, Rodriguez's first year with the team, but have been together since they were teenagers. The first signs of trouble came in 2001 when A-Rod, then with the Texas Rangers, said that teams don't worry about Jeter beating them when they play the Yankees. This is of course highly ironic because teams sure as hell don't worry about Grounded-Into-Double-Play-Rod beating them now when they play the Yankees.

Many also believe that the discrepancy in salary - Rodriguez is the highest paid player in baseball - also bothers Jeter deep down, though he publicly denies that that is an issue, saying "Being the top makes up for it". He also charges Rodriguez $1,000 per reach around.

Despite the guarantee from Jeter that the off field issues will not affect their play within the diamond, many Yankees fans are worried. After all, there are second graders in New York who have never seen a World Series champion. Second Graders. I know, I know. Sometimes it just isn't fair. But rest assured Yankees fans, your team's eventual late season collapse will have nothing to do with the 21st century Siegfried and Roy. Just watch out for them Tigers.

Urlacher and Spears: Separated at Birth?

Normally I would have dismissed the thought that Brian Urlacher, beastly middle linebacker for the Chicago Bears, and Britney Spears, batshit-crazy benefactor for the Federline Kevin, were related. But now that Britney slightly tweaked her personal appearance, I really think I can see the resemblance.

Let's consider the parallels, shall we? For starters, they're both bald. Urlacher's neck has a thickness roughly 11 times greater than Spears', but their overall cranial structure is pretty similar. Both have cliched tattoos. Urlacher has one of those gay tribal armbands that were cool for approximately 14.7 seconds in 1996. Spears has several tattoos that could be considered cliches, most notably the lower back tattoo - aka "Tramp Stamp" - of a fairy.

And, most noteworthy, both have had their reputation, and genitals, sullied by Paris Hilton. (By the way, the only reason I linked to that particular photo is because it is the first result from typing "filthy old slut" into a Google image search. I am not making that up.) Now I know, lots of people have had reputations and nethers ravaged by Coke Barbie, but they all have something in common: they're fucking morons. To associate with Paris Hilton, you must have some sort of inbred, genetic problem, one I bet Spears and Urlacher share, much like they undoubtedly share Hilton's Rolodex of who's who in the STD community. Chlamydia anyone?

So there you have it, proof that Britney and Brian were twins separated at birth. And I don't want to hear anything about how she's 25 and he's 28 and that random speculation, libel and rumor do not qualify as "proof", alright? It's much more fun this way.

The Obligatory College BBall Post

I don't really care about college basketball. Or any college sport for that matter. I'm from a city with real (read: professional) teams and I went to a school whose mascot is The Fighting Violet. Well, officially we're the Bobcats, but aggressive purple things seems more appropriate when you consider the student body.

Anyway, while sitting through a shitty day at work, I at least got to watch the Villanova-Georgetown game yesterday. It was a sloppy game, with defense dictating the pace, but it was entertaining and came down to the wire. Nova led for almost the entire game and dominated the majority of the first half, only to allow a 9-0 run to close the half out, which was capped by a half court 3 pointer, making the score 29-27 in favor of Villanova.

Now as I said, I'm not a big college sports fan, but I do usually root for whichever of the Big 3 in Philly(Villanova, Temple, St. Joe's) are any good at the time. Last year Villanova was quite good, only to play like utter garbage come tourney time, with Randy Foye and Kyle Lowry carrying them to the Elite 8 where eventual champion Florida picked them apart. Foye and Lowry are both gone, and while Nova has a respectable record this year (18-8), it's clear they lack the go-to scorers they lost to the draft. This was painfully evident against #16 Georgetown, who was able to shut Nova down at times when they needed to. Georgetown is a very good defensive team - they recorded 14 blocked shots, including 8 by forward Jeff Green - but Nova still should have pulled away at times in this game. One reason they didn't (and another reason they were crappy in the tournament last year) - Mike Nardi, Senior.

He starts this year and he started for them last year, and I still have no idea why. Maybe it's because coach Jay Wright thinks he needs to start a white guy. Nardi doesn't disappear in big games, he poops all over the court. It would be much better if he didn't show up. Yesterday he scored 2 points on 1-6 shooting, had 2 assists and 1 rebound, and 2 turnovers and no steals - in 34 minutes! He was on the court for all but 6 minutes of the game, making a complete turd out of himself. The only shot he did make was an ill-advised runner in traffic that bounced off the rim 3 times before going in. He was on the court in the final minutes, when he was clearly outmatched. They needed this game to make the tournament, and now they almost definitely will not. Is Nardi the reason for all of Nova's problems? Of course not. But does anyone know why he logged the second most minutes on the team? Nope. He's one of two seniors leaving Nova this year (Will Sheridan is the other) and he will not be missed. Scottie Reynolds is a beast though, and only a freshman. Watch out for him, and Nova, next year.

Name That Team: The Oakland A's

Continuing with what will be a 30 part series in which I preview all 28 MLB teams as well as the Royals and the Nationals, next up is the Oakland Athletics. Or, if you prefer how I like to think of them, "the team we should have kept." The A's of recent years past have been very good, making the playoffs 5 times in the last 7 years. Billy Beane, their Moneyballing GM, has done a very good job working with a payroll that consistently fits into the bottom third of the league, and he has his excellent drafting and farm system to thank.

That being said, I don't see the A's making the playoffs this year. Jason Kendall is their leadoff hitter for fucks sake. He's a catcher! Who has one more major league home run than I do in his last 349 games! Okay, he hits for average, and isn't the worst leadoff hitter around, but still.

The X factor determining whether or not the A's make the playoffs will be the pitching staff. It's good, it's young, and it's brittle. At least Rich Harden is, anyway. Yes, his name is Richard Harden. Who's his dad, Ron Jeremy? Can we just force him to go by Dick Harden? Please? Pretty please? Oh how I would enjoy that. Anyway, he's a great pitcher, but he has missed significant time the past two seasons. If he makes 30 starts, watch out. Also, I think Piazza thrives as a DH. The man can hit. Still, it wont be enough to top the Angels, and there's no way two teams are making the playoffs from this division in the ubercompetitive American League. Over-Under wins: 85.

"Did I just say that? Fuck."

Wait, did I just say all of that? Fuck. I didn't mean that I hate gay people literally. Well, I mean, I did mean it, but I didn't mean to take any shit for it, so I'm offering a half-assed apology. Wait, did I just say I was offering my ass? Fuck. That makes me sound gay, doesn't it? Oh god I hope it doesn't. I hate fags, and I don't want to hate myself any more than I already do. Don't they understand that they have no place in professional sports, being in my locker room, staring at my adonis-like point gaurd body? That shit is gay man. Being naked around other dudes is fine, as long as they don't want to fuck you. But if they're gay, well, I don't wanna catch it from them, you know? I hear if they stare at you enough you can catch gay. And once you catch it, you've got it for life. God that would be terrible. I wouldn't be able to make love to my wife, or my girlfriend, or that dude I've been fu- uh oh. You didn't hear that. I didn't mean that. I'm not gay! Am I? Fuck. I hate fags.

PITCHERS AND CATCHERS!

Baseball is here. Only 44 days till opening day. Fuck to the yes.

Tiki Torches Coughlin

Tiki Barber, the former New York Giants running back and overall annoying as hell person, criticized Tom Coughlin for the heavy workload put on Tiki over the last 3 years and claims it contributed to his decision to retire. While there may certainly be some truth to this, I think Tiki calling out Coughlin (again - he did it after a 2005 playoff loss) is pretty poor form.

I don't like Tom Coughlin. He's a bad coach. Most NFL players are pussies deep down (especially Eli Manning) and his crazy, old school, incredibly strict approach to running that team just isn't working. His record with them is ok (25-23), but they really only had one good year (2005) and got shut out, at home, in the playoffs. Were they outcoached? Probably. But if Tiki Barber gets into Canton, he will have one person to thank - Tom Coughlin.

In the four years Tiki spent as a starter before Coughlin arrived, he averaged 4.25 lost fumbles a year. As soon as Coughlin got there he changed the way Tiki carried the ball and in the three years Coughlin has been there, Tiki's fumbles lost average is only 1.33. That's huge.

Now, do I think Tiki is a hall of famer? No, but it's close. And the only reason I say no is those fumbles. A lot of them came at inopportune times. I can remember a game against the Eagles a few years ago when he had something like 190 yards and two red zone fumbles. It cost the Giants the game. That being said, his last 3 years have been spectacular, and if he rides them into the Hall of Fame, it will be because he was coached by Tom Coughlin.

Name That Team: Los Angeles Angels of Disney

Yes, the first preview I'm going to do will be of the team with the stupidest name in baseball. I am also starting with them because I think they will win the division I care the least about: The AL West. That division is a crock. Why does it have 4 teams and the NL Central has 6? That's stupid. Did we really have to bring the Brewers to the National League? I say no. Anyway, moving on to the first part in what will be a 30 part series in which I preview the 28 major league teams, plus the Royals and the Nationals.

The Angels are looking pretty good this year. The rotation looks quite solid, and if Jered Weaver and Ervin Santana improve upon last years numbers (11 wins, 2.56 ERA; 16 and 4.28, respectively) this could be one of the best rotations in baseball. As far as the offense goes, they have a wealth of prospects that could make them very dangerous if any or all of them break out this year. Top candidate for such a breakout would be Howie Kendrick (.361 career minor league average) who showed some flashes of brilliance during his late season call up last year.

The Angels also made everyone in baseball crap their pants this winter by giving Gary Matthews Jr. a 5 year, 50 million dollar contract. Matthews is stellar defensively, and decent offensively, but his numbers were somewhat inflated playing in Texas considering it's a hitters park. He will help the Angels, but he only makes 4 million per year less than Vlad Guerrero, a future first ballot hall of famer. That being said, the outfield (which is rounded out by no-longer-better-than-average Garret Anderson) will be very good defensively and good enough offensively. Mike Scioscia is a very good manager and should continue to get the best out of his players. Over-Under for wins: 90.

Sport or Not a Sport? (v1.0)

Sport or not a sport? That is the question. Today I will answer it for golf, an activity often found on ESPN despite its dubious connections to athleticism. Let me make this clear from the start: golf is hard. Really hard. I suck at it and I respect anyone who does not. Tiger Woods, who is in shape, is an athlete. But many golfers aren't. So now I shall tackle age old question: is golf a sport?

No. Golf has sporting elements to it: driving the ball, walking... well that's pretty much it. Any "sport" where this guy can grossly outperform me, an athletic 22 year old male, is not a true sport. Golf is an activity. It requires a ton of skill, yes, but not athleticism. If you are in shape, like Tiger Woods, you will be better at golf. But, as Phil Mickelson has proved, you can still be quite successful despite having bitchtits. There are 80 year old men out there considerably better at golf than athletic men 1/4 their age. Which is fine. But it isn't a sport. Golf can be mildly entertaining. Despite my tremendous lack of skill - my handicap is three digits - I always thoroughly enjoy it. It deserves to be televised. But it does not belong on sports networks. And don't even get me started on poker.

Yankees Invite Bernie Williams, 73, to Spring Training

I kid, I kid. I like Bernie, even if he is a career Yankee. He's a class act and deserves at least a chance to prove he is still a useful major leaguer, even if it is in a part time role. Considering how much he has given to the Yankees, inviting him to spring training was the least they could do. Say what you will about the Yankees, as far as I'm concerned, they have always been an organization that exhibits quite a bit of class and professionalism. In an age where loyalty - from both the players to the teams and vice versa - is at an all time low, The Yankees have consistently rewarded players who have contributed to the organization. Granted, they have the resources to do so, but still. I think Steinbrenner is an absolute maniac - but I would have no problem with him running the Phillies. At least I know he cares.

For access to Bernie's career numbers, click here. They're pretty good, but he isn't a hall of famer. 2300+ hits and 287 career home runs doesn't quite cut it. He did have a few very impressive years though, and baseball needs more guys like him. Ok moving on. I can only talk positively about the Yankees for so long before parts of my soul start to die.

The Mets signed Chan Ho Park! The Mets signed Chan Ho Park! The Mets - ok enough. But this is fantastic news. He's going to pitch against the Phillies multiple times this year? Suh-weet. Granted, they aren't paying him much - $600,000 for one year, with incentives that could push it over 2 million - but still. That rotation is a mess. Even with a healthy Pedro, and that is by no means a given. It's a good thing that line up is so freakishly good. Reyes, Lo Duca, Beltran, Delgado, Wright and Alou is a 1-6 that would scare the shit out of any pitcher if they can all stay healthy. This is going to be a very interesting division. I can't wait. Only 50 days till opening day.

Goodbye Anna Nicole

You(r rack) will be missed. What? She has nothing to do with sports? You tell that to all the competitive masturbators out there. Thousands of 13 year olds are devastated. One of the greatest muses of all time, gone. Ever seen the movie Skyscraper? Terrible film. But it got me through 8th grade. Thank you Cinemax. She was the ultimate Playmate. Say what you will about Ms. Monroe - she had a career outside of her juggs. Anna didn't, and that what made her so special. She was a one trick pony, and what a trick it was...

Anyway, onto real sports news - the Cowboys hired Wade Phillips, meaning the Eagles will win the division again next year, even with Jabba the Coach. Sweet. Can you believe it's been a decade since the Cowboys won a playoff game? That makes me smile. Anyway, nothing really important sportswise happened today, and I got home late. More tomorrow. Probably.

Roger Clemens is an Asshole

Note: I am NOT a Red Sox fan. They are the second most detestable franchise in baseball and are, quite frankly, on the verge of becoming the worst. The vast majority of their fans are obnoxious bandwagoners and they now spend nearly as much money as the Yankees. Don't get me wrong, I know Sox fans that I consider to be good friends, but they have been Sox fans for a long, long time. It's the ones that popped up in 2004 and haven't shut up since that piss me off. And the probably piss off the legit fans as well. But I digress. I only mention them to prove that my severe dislike of Roger Clemens is unbiased.

While I certainly consider him a jerk for his conduct with the Red Sox throughout his career, his douchebaggery extends far beyond Fenway. Last year it hit an all-time high. Clemens did not make a decision on whether or not he wanted to pitch until July, and then got paid a ridiculous sum of money for half a season. And, on top of that, if he was not scheduled to pitch during an away series, he did not have to accompany the team. Well, are you on the fucking team or aren't you? What an asshole. He makes Brett Favre look mature.

Now, he's pulling the same crap he did last year, refusing to commit to baseball, let alone commit to a specific team. It can't still be about the money. He has made enough in his career that all of his stupid kids with names beginning with 'K' can afford to each have three stupidly named kids of their own without ever working a day in their lives. In short, he's loaded beyond belief. So the question that remains is - do you still enjoy playing baseball?

We know he can still pitch despite his age - he'll be 45 in August - which is old by athlete standards. I don't see how his mind could change within the next two months. He has to know by now whether or not he wants to pitch, and therefore should say so so this whole story just goes away. Are you going to pitch Roger? Yes? Fine, sign a huge contract, add to your hall of fame resume and let us fantasy owners draft you accordingly. No? Fine, then go away and await your induction into the hall of fame 5 years from now, provided evidence never surfaces that your seemingly ageless ass ever felt the sweet caress of one of Mr. Canseco's syringes. Roger Clemens is arguably the best pitcher of the last 20 years. Fuck it - he IS the best pitcher of the last 20 years (sorry Greg Maddux). And he's an asshole.

Merriman Banned from Pro Bowl; Total Number of Shits Given: 0

Yes, Shawne Merriman was banned from participating in the Pro bowl due to his positive steroid test earlier this year, and not one American gave a shit. Not even Merriman himself. Why would he? No one watches the Pro Bowl, and he can still go Hawaii. It's like he's going to the company picnic but he can't play in the softball game because he embezzled millions of dollars. Maybe he would have enjoyed the game, but is he really losing any sleep over it? Not a chance. He should have been suspended for a whole year.

Meanwhile, Peyton Manning is enjoying his Super Bowl success. The line to blow him is now 3 blocks long, and consists almost entirely of television sports commentators. That being said, he does at this point have to be considered when discussing the all time greats, something I can say with confidence will never spill over to his little brother, Eli. He sucks.

The Super Bowlog

3:13 - Roll out of bed
3:14 - Shower
3:23 - Emerge from shower in all my immaculate glory. Brush teeth.
3:25 - Resist urge to rub one out.
3:27 - Pregame weigh-in: 186. My goal for the end of the night: 200.
3:37 - Pregame dump. Probably should have done the weigh-in after that. Oh well.
3:46 - Figuring out what I'm doing for the game.
4:00 - Breakfast. Corn muffins and cashews. Sweet.
4:19 - Watch some of the "Kitty Halftime Show" for the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet. It's a bunch of kittens playing with stuff. The sleazy music makes it work.
4:30 - Application of pants to my person.
4:33 - Put on my Barcelona jersey. Yes, I'm wearing a soccer jersey for the Super Bowl. I'm that cool.
4:34 - Resist the urge tor rub one out.
4:45 - Attack the pregame spread my parents have out. Shrimp. Cheese. Crackers. Grapes? Whatever, I'm there.
4:50 - Beer # 1
5:06 - Plans take shape. Looks the Venetian club for the 1st half.
5:24 - Beer #2. Fosters, Australian for delicious.
5:48 - My chariot arrives. McNoggs and Speedy have a Super Bowl Special already prepared. I humbly decline to partake.
5:58 - Arrive at the V.
6:02 - Lager.
6:06 - Phil Simms says "The Bears' system doesn't allow the QB to have great numbers." Yeah, that, or Grossman's lack of ability.
6:12 - Indy comes out to "Baba O'Riley", a song by a British band. Not a good sign.
6:14 - Urlacher looks ready to eat someone. I have $$$ on the Bears covering. Good sign.
6:17 - National anthem. Billy Joel looks drunk. Sounds it too. Jesus he's bald.
6:23 - Coin toss, Bears win. They choose to receive, which Speedy and I agree violates all Madden protocol.
6:26 - Kickoff. Here we go.
6:27 - Devin "Go Ahead, I Fucking Dare You" Hester takes the kick to the house. Wow. He's good.
6:30 - Manning's 1st pass almost picked.
6:33 - Manning's 2nd pass almost picked.
6:37 - Manning's 4th pass IS picked. Uh-oh.
6:39 - Grossman makes terrible throw # 1. Bold prediction: defense will win this game.
6:41 - Time to attack the spread the V has out, which is impressive. Roast beef and provolone sandwich # 1.
6:42 - McNoggs attacks the spread as well, clearly inspired by my sandwich.
6:45 - Lager.
6:47 - Touchdown Reggie Wayne. How he got that open I have no idea.
6:48 - Missed extra point. If the colts fail to cover by a point, someone is going to kill Adam Vinatieri.
6:51 - Kickoff. Fumble. Colts ball. Oh shit.
6:52 - Botched handoff. Fumble. Bears ball. Oh shit.
6:53 - Thomas Jones breaks a 50 yarder.
6:55 - Touchdown Bears. 14-6.
7:05 - Benson fumbles, Colts ball. This is getting ridiculous.
7:07 - Wow, that was a bad throw Peyton.
7:09 - 4th and 3 inside the other teams 40 - GO FOR IT! Pussies. Still, punt works well, Grossman now has to go 96 yards. Something tells me that isn't happening.
7:11 - Benson is hurt. Time for sammich #2. Delicious.
7:16 - Godaddy commercial featuring lots of T&A. Resist urge to rub one out.
7:22 - Lager.
7:25 - Grammys commercial. Funniest so far. They used their entire budget to pay for that ad. Don't they realize that no one watching the Super Bowl is going to watch the Grammys?
7:34 - Touchdown Colts. They take their 1st lead. Can Sexy Rexy answer?
7:41 - Nope. Punt. Colts ball.
7:50 - Colts driving. Fumble. Bears recover.
7:51 - Botched snap, Colts recover. Wow. Way to go Rexy.
7:56 - Icing the kicker doesn't work. Idiots.
7:57 - Vinatieri misses the field goal! It worked! Geniuses!
7:58 - Halftime.
8:07 - Pick up 6 packs, head to Headbutt's house for the 2nd half.
8:30 - Arrive at Headbutt's.
8:31 - Lager.
8:37 - Headbutt is obnoxiously talking shit as usual. He has money on the Colts and the Over (48), plus Ben is a Bears fan, giving Headbutt more reason to be loud.
8:38 - Did Dungy really just challenge that? Re-tarded.
8:42 - Vinatieri makes the kick, but 743 Indianapolis fans had simultaneous coronaries.
8:48 - Grossman is sacked, loses approximately 43 yards.
8:49 - Grossman loses another 23 yards.
8:57 - Lager.
9:01 - Hilarious K-Fed commercial.
9:05 - Desmond Clark breaks up a would-be interception, possibly saves game for Bears.
9:06 - Gould makes the kick. The Bears look good to cover, but there is still plenty of time.
9:17 - Wings. The march towards 200 continues.
9:20 - Harrison twists his knee. Someone yells out "That would have hurt Gumby!". Classic.
9:24 - Oh Rexy, that was a bad throw. Interception, touchdown Colts.
9:25 - Challenge. Lager.
9:26 - Play stands, and it should have. Fuck. Cover not looking so good.
9:33 - Oh Rexy, that was a bad throw. Interception.
9:50 - The Bears aren't covering. Fuck. Oh well.
9:54 - Lager.
9:59 - Colts win. Vinatieri's missed field goal would have given Headbutt the over and a lot of money. Instead he broke even. He is not pleased. Meanwhile, swine everywhere are sprouting wings and Satan reaches for a scarf as Peyton "Half Donkey, Half" Manning has that "I'm finally going to lose my virginity!" look on his face. He will now be in every commercial ever made until he is dead. If he ever dies. I'm pretty convinced he's actually a robot. So we'll see. My night didn't end here, but my documentation of it did. All in all, a pretty enjoyable game.

Mor(m)ons and Other Football Related Things

Well, the Super Bowl is almost here. Where will I be watching it? I'm not entirely sure yet, but I can tell you where I won't be watching it - Andy Reid's house. Shotguns and hollow points? Yikes. No thanks. I don't care how good the drugs are. Apparently no one ever told his sons that if you have large amounts of illegal things in your car you shouldn't do anything to attract the attention of law enforcement, like crashing. Idiots. This is payback for punting at the end of the Saints game.

As for the Super Bowl itself, I like the Bears, if only because absolutely no one else does. Just because Peyton "Half Donkey, Half" Manning finally beat the Pats doesn't mean he's suddenly a big game quarterback. If he wins tomorrow, then I will be truly impressed. That being said, Rex Grossman wouldn't give me a lot of a confidence as a Bears fan. But that defense is good. And Devin Hester is good. And the running game is good. So we'll see. Final score: 27-24 Bears. But I would be lying if I said there was any particular outcome that would surprise me.

All I know is this will be the first Super Bowl I get to enjoy since high school. Last year's game sucked, I was on edge the entire time the Eagles were in it, and I was bitter when the Eagles didn't make it the previous times. This time I can kick back and bask in what is sure to be 4+ hours of hedonsim. I can't wait.

Sucker Punched

Carmelo isn't in the All Star Game? He's the leading scorer in the NBA. That's horseshit. So he punched a guy. Big deal. You find me one NBA player who hasn't punched a guy in the last year and I'll show you Kyle Korver. Carmelo is a baller. It's about entertaining the fans, and he's one of the NBA's best. Let the man play. The only positive to this is that now maybe the game will be competitive. Nah, who am I kidding? The West is still going to kill the East, which doesn't even have Iverson, their perennial savior during this game. This game won't be close.

Also, AI2 aka Andre Iguodala, should be in the dunk contest again. He was robbed last year by Nate "Napoleon Complex" Robinson, who took 15 tries to do something that was still less impressive than AI2's. He must get his revenge, even though I can't see him, or anyone, topping his performance last year. The Off-the-back-of-the-backboard dunk was phenomenal. If you haven't seen it, for the love of god, click that link and prepare to have to change your pants.

Update: It has been brought to my attention that AI2 will not be participating. I guess he feels he has nothing more to prove after last year, despite the fact that he wasn't the official winner. Still, it would have been fun to watch him do his thing again this year.

Bail(ing on) Bonds

In recent baseball news, controversy swirls around the Giants and their contract talks with slugger Barry Bonds. Apparently the Giants attempted to work a clause into the one year, $15 million contract that Bonds signed stating that the contract could be voided if Bonds were indicted in the ongoing BALCO case regarding past steroid use. This was of course opposed by the players union because it was, among other things, highly unconstitutional. You can't terminate a guys contract just because he was accused of committing a crime, even if he is, like in Bonds' case, obviously guilty. You still need proof.

This entire controversy, however, is a farce. You see, there is indeed a problem with a certain clause in Bonds' contact, but it has nothing to do with possible indictment in the BALCO case. In fact, the controversy is regarding something much more simple - Bonds' uniform. The average major league baseball player has a hat size of 7 5/8. Barry Bonds wears a size 87 3/4. This is much, much bigger than the league average and requires custom fitting, which is surprisingly expensive.

The Giants wanted the cost of covering his massive cranium to fall upon Bonds, and Bonds doesn't like that one bit. He feels it is the responsibility of the Giants - the team that turned a blind eye as Bonds shot himself full of things 5-8 years ago that probably could have saved Barbaro, causing his head to swell to proportions that would make a watermelon farmer proud - to pay for his unthinkably large sombrero.

Now I know, it seems ludicrous that a man who has made as much money as Barry Bonds in his lifetime would quarrel over something as trivial as paying for a custom hat, but you must remember that this is no ordinary man. It's Barry Bonds. He's a dick.