Because Injuries to Small Children Are Funny

Special thanks to Kris D. for the vid.

Blah Blah Boston Blah

The Patriots won by 45 today, but that's only the second biggest story in Boston. The Red Sox just swept the Rockies (way to fucking go, you purple assholes) in the World Series, and, um... no one really cares? Well, that isn't true. People in Boston care. And bandwagon fans all over the country are pretending to be happy. And for whatever reason Joe Buck wont stop talking. God he sucks. He's like the Dane Cook of sports announcers - untalented and inexplicably famous.

Whatever. I can't watch any more of this celebration. Not because I'm a hater, mind you, but because I just don't care. And maybe a little because I'm a hater.

Anyway, the Eagles won. They beat a team that was starting a QB that couldn't even make their team. That should be all you need to know about the Vikings passing game. Dreadful. The Eagles didn't look awful, but they still suck in the red zone. This is a quintessential 8-8 team if I ever saw one. Yay. Wake me next April. Go Phils.

Some High School Kid Punted A Ball 72 Yards

His name is Luke Dewall. One of his friends tried spamming a message board about it in the Facebook group I created entitled "Dane Cook is Not funny". I deleted the topic, but I told him I'd link to it so others can vote for it. 72 yards is pretty fucking far for a punt, especially in high school. I'd like to see Sav Rocca do that. If you wanna check it out, fine. If not, I couldn't care less. It can be found here.

Lakers Play, Kobe Doesn't

He didn't make the trip for an exibition game in Vegas against the Kings, which the Lakers won. Harbinger of things to come? Who knows. But he's going to play somewhere, and he's going to dominate. Cause, you know, he's Kobe. In other sports news... wait, there wasn't any. Nothing happened today except a bunch of preseason basketball. Boston did put a hurtin' on the Cavs though, 114-89. KG had a triple double. He's a beast.

Oh, and Boise St. Beast Fresno St. in college football. Not that you care.

You Call That A Victory?

I call that an ass whooping. 13-1? Damn. I know it was Josh Beckett, but still. One run? Weak. And Schilling wont be much easier tonight. Get it together, Rockies. The rest of us are counting on you.

Also, the Flyers lost the first game of an 8 game road trip, and face a tough match up tonight in the Lightening. Nittymaki is making his first start of the season in goal. Should be a good game.

Oh, and the Eagles still suck.

God Damn It, Now I Have to Root for the Rockies

Fuck you Cleveland. You couldn't win one more fucking game? Really? Fuck. Now I have to root for the Rockies. This is almost as bad as when I was forced to root for the Marlins in 2003. Not that I hate the Rockies, but shit, I really hate the Red Sox. Well, I really hate their fans. I'm pretty indifferent towards the players themselves. Manny is actually pretty fucking amusing. And David Ortiz is cool I guess. J. D. Drew can go choke on a fat one, though. That fucking evangelical fuck.

Do yo have any idea what this means? If the Red Sox win another World Series, combined with the success of the Patriots, we're looking at the single most annoying fan base in the history of mankind. Worse than Notre Dame football fans. Worse than Cowboys fans. And yes, way worse than Yankees fans.

Big Daddy Drew of Kissing Suzy Kolber explains it perfectly, saying:

Boston fans fail to grasp a standard rule of sports fandom, which is: Any team that wins a title that is not your team is fucking annoying. It doesn’t matter how the other team won. They’re not YOUR team, so they can eat a fat dick. Fuck this “appreciating” other teams shit. Normal fans don’t do that. At least Cowboy and Yankee fans have a solid understanding of just why people can’t fucking stand them. But Mickey from Natick? Nope, he’s not gonna grasp that concept. In fact, he’s not gonna grasp much of anything.

(The entire article, which is a must-read for anyone who can't stand Boston fans, can be found here.)

So now I have to hope The Rockies, whose fans are undeserving if not insufferable, can stay ridiculously hot and upset the Red Sox, which will prevent my head from exploding.

Honestly, this all makes me sad. Until 2004, I understood Boston fans. They were, for the most part, miserable, like me. Yes, they had the Patriots and the Celtics, but the vast majority of Boston sports fans cared about the Red Sox and only the Red Sox. Then 2004 happened, and "Sox fans" started oozing out of the woodwork in droves. Genuine Boston fans were quickly outnumbered by assholes who couldn't name 6 Red Sox players. To make matters worse, I was in New York when the Red Sox won the World Series, and you had better believe every schmuck who lived anywhere near Boston at one point in his or her life what wearing a Sox hat and talking about how clutch Manny Ortez was.

And then, 4 months later, the Patriots beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl and the Decade of Douchebaggery was in full swing. Boston fans have not looked back. And so, it is because of this that I beseech you, Rockies of Colorado: please, please, beat those fucking fucks. And do it badly. For the sake of us all.

As If You Needed More Proof...

God is dead. Or maybe he/she never existed to begin with. Or, most likely, it's alive and watching this whole sordid scene unfold with depraved indifference. It hates you, cares little for your feelings and finds your suffering comical.

One Move That Won't Be On Eric Wedge's Resume

Am I the only person who thinks that the Indians would have had a better chance in this series if they didn't insist on sending Mark Ruffalo out to first base every game?


Oh, OK. I am.

Sunday Thoughts

Oh, today was not a good day to be an Eagles fan. Not that we have many good days. But today was especially bad. The Bears went 97 yards in 90 seconds with no time outs to win the game. And my fantasy team was playing against Mushin Muhammad, who caught the game winning pass. And I was starting the Eagles defense. Instead of the Redskins'. Guhhhh. W. E. A. K.

But enough about my fantasy team, which Shaun Alexander is methodically killing. As for the Eagles, well, let's face it: the season is over. They're 2-4, and the Redskins, the team in 3rd place in the division, is 4-2. And it's not like the Eagles have been unlucky or anything. They just haven't played well. A ton of stupid penalties combined with a crappy red zone offense and a defense that doesn't make big plays is not a recipe for success. It's time to start looking at next year.

But enough about my crappy home team. Tom Brady, you go to hell. 6 TDs? Go. Fuck. Yourself. 27 on the year? Again, go fuck yourself. This applies to all you Boston Fans out there as well. I don't care how good he is. He still looks like a white Yao Ming. I'm serious. He does. Just look:
Don't tell me you don't see a resemblance. But, no matter how you slice it, the Patriots are good. Real good. And Dolphins are bad. Real, real bad.

You know who isn't bad? The 6-1 Flyers, who won again last night in overtime against the Carolina Hurricanes, a hockey team whose sheer existence is a slap in the face to the sport. Not because they're a bad team (they're actually pretty good) but because hockey should not be played in either of the Carolinas. It shouldn't be played anywhere ice doesn't form naturally. In the last 15 years loyal fan bases such as Quebec, Winnipeg and Hartford (among others) have been stripped of NHL franchises because the league thought a bunch of displaced yuppies in warm locales would make good fans. Riiiight. Half of Tampa's population still has no idea the Lightening won a Stanley Cup. But whatever. I'm not supposed to care about hockey. It's the American Way.

Anyway, here's hoping Peyton Manning registers one fantasy point or less tomorrow night. Sigh... I hate you Shaun Alexander.

And Let Us Never Speak of This Again

Let me see if I understand this correctly. Joe Torre was “insulted” by the Yankees offer of a one-year contract for $5 million to manage the club. With incentives, the deal could have been worth an additional $1 million for each round of playoffs that the team reached. So $6, $7 or $8 million per year were all potential final compensation packages for next year. And Joe Torre found that insulting.

When the subject involved is a player – let’s say A-Rod – the common reaction to a story like this is backlash. “How could A-Rod turn down $x million to play a kid’s game??? He thinks that’s an insult?! I think it’s an insult that my son’s algebra teacher has to drive a used Civic with no A/C while poor Alex has to decide between 26 or 28 inch rims on his Navigator!” But those arguments are childish since they ignore the fact that we live in a market economy. When Tom Hicks thinks that Alex is worth $252 million, by default, he is. Yet compared to the market, even with his insulting 33% base pay cut, Torre is still light years ahead. Lou Piniella is the next-best paid manager in the league and he makes an average of $3.3 million per year on his three year deal with the Cubs. So despite an offer that would pay nearly 50% more than the next-richest manager in the league, Joe was insulted.

Furthermore, Torre and the fawning reporters are conveniently forgetting that he actually deserves a pay cut. When Torre signed his final contract extension in April 2004, his team was coming off of their second AL pennant in three seasons. And for four of the five seasons prior to that run, the team had won the World Series. Torre had earned that pay raise. In the four seasons since, his team has endured the worst collapse in postseason history, followed by three consecutive first round exits. In their last seventeen postseason games, Torre’s Yankees are 4-13. Taking nothing away from his managerial achievements, Torre has earned this pay cut.

That is, of course, if you seriously consider a baseball manager to be an integral part of a club’s success. I don’t. How else can we explain Clint Hurdle, who entered this season 84 games under .500 and will exit with an NL or World Series pennant? Or how about Terry Francona, who was run out of Philadelphia with a .440 winning percentage only to become a demigod in Boston? And Willie Randolph, whose job security alert level went from green to yellow to red in the space of twenty days? The truth is that a baseball manager, quite unlike a football or basketball head coach, is essentially a cop on a horse, riding around doing his best to look important but really not doing a damned thing.

Here’s where it gets confusing. According to Torre, money wasn’t the deciding factor in his decision. Hold on a second: On one hand the offer was an insult but on the other hand the decision wasn’t about money? That’s awful mealy-mouthed. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt here and assume that he really wasn’t interested in managing the Yankees anymore. Let’s say that he wasn’t interested in the constant scrutiny coming at him from all angles: The shameless New York tabloid press, the knee-jerk fans on sports radio call-in shows and, worst of all, the deluded old bat who ostensibly runs the team. Let’s conclude that he just didn’t want to manage the team anymore.

Given those circumstances, what should he have done? Resigned. Not even considered the team’s offer. Told the world that he wanted to go out on his own terms and longed for a new challenge. The press would have eaten that nonsense up. But he didn’t do that. He waited for an offer and he turned it down. It was about the money and he didn’t get enough. If only he could have said that.

Did You Know Joe Torre Isn't Coming Back?!?

OMG. I mean, he's Joe Torre. And he isn't coming back to work for a maniacal despot. At a decrease in pay. Can you believe it? Did you even know? Well, if you glanced at ESPN at all in the last 24 hours, you would know. The Worldwide Leader, oblivious to anything that isn't Yankee related, devoted the vast majority of it's news coverage to a saga that not that many people really give a shit about.

Yes, he managed the Yankees. Yes, they failed to win another World Series. Honestly, who cares? He was there for 12 years, they made the playoffs 12 times. The won the World Series 4 times. That's a pretty good track record. And, while the Yankees did offer Torre a one year deal for $5 million with an option for a second year, it was $2.5 million less than he made this year. It was an offer made to avoid slapping him in the face while at the same time... um... slapping him in the face. Speaking of which, have you seen his face? He spent most of his career playing catcher or first base, and I'm pretty sure he never used a glove or even his hands. He just caught the ball with his mug. Yikes.

Anyway, back to the real story. I've always had a lot of respect for Joe Torre, and turning down this deal will only give me more. Good for you, Joe Torre. Now please, get the fuck off my television. You're painful to look at.

Did Anything Happen Today?

Someone probably played hockey somewhere, but who cares? It's fucking hockey. Although the coach of the Atlanta Thrashers did get fired after only 6 games. (Atlanta is 0-6-0). I feel like this has to be a record for anything other than football. 6 games? Into an 82 game season? Wow. I gotta say, I'm impressed.

I would also be impressed by the 4-1-0 Flyers, you know, if I cared about hockey. But that shit is dead to me. (You go to hell Bobby Clarke!) That being said, the team appears to be going in the right direction.

Manny doesn't care if the Red Sox lose the series. He's tired. He's had enough of this "baseball" and wants to go out drinking. Or something like that. Just "Manny being Manny" I guess. Of course Boston fans are going to be Boston fans and end up making a big deal of this. Insufferable pricks. God forbid you assholes don't win another championship. Fuckheads.

Anyway, tomorrow the Indians look to earn the right to lose painfully to the Rockies, but it won't be easy. Josh Beckett will be taking the hill, and he doesn't like losing playoff games. Good luck Indians. I'll be rootin' for ya'. We bitter folk gotta stick together.

Turn Off The Radio

After 9 months of solid sportsblogging mediocrity, Roughing the Reader is headed for... more mediocrity. I kid, I kid. As I'm sure the 11 of you reading this will agree, I'm damn good at this. But writing a blog by yourself is hard, especially when you're as lazy as I am. So I've enlisted some talented, equally bitter help to take this blog to the next level. His name is Zwill, and he was recently voted Hater of the Year by a tribunal of his peers. He deserved it. (I'm not going to say which of our friends is the brother of that girl, but let's just say he wasn't pleased.) But I digress. He will add dimensions to this blog that otherwise would not be there. He will curse, maybe even more than I do. And he will write about New York sports, soccer, and anything else he damn well feels like. And so, without further ado, ladies (yeah, right) and gentleman, I give you Zwill. Take it away buddy:

In his 12^th year as an NFL head coach, Tom Coughlin has changed. Lightened up as a coach. Matured as a man. A new leaf hath turned. There he was, the ultimate megalomaniacal micromanager, taking his team bowling. Bowling! And ten-pin at that!

+

=

Stop me if you’ve heard this before. If this sounds like a familiar refrain, that’s because it is. You may have heard a talking head from the Worldwide Poetry Slam Leader say this last November when the Giants were 6-2. Or perhaps it was the previous January before the Giants hosted a playoff game against the Carolina Panthers that ended in a 23-0 loss. Coughlin entered that game as a coach revered for turning a 4-12 cellar dweller in 2003 into a 12-4 division champ in just two years. It didn’t take long – oh, about three hours – for all the positive goodwill to turn into vitriol, much of which came from his players.

One day you’re up and the next you’re down – that’s nothing new in the NFL. But to buy into it all takes some serious short-term memory loss. More than ever, the MSM deals in hyperbole. Genius is the new up and pathetic the new down. It’s no longer a “game of inches” where the best teams “go the extra mile.” Now the Patriots win because their coach is the Rembrandt of the NFL and the Falcons lose because they are ill prepared for battle.

At times likes these, it’s important to remember what Dead Prez says: “Believe in none of what you hear and half of what you see.” The margin for error in the NFL is so slim –so microscopic – that almost nothing is a given. So please channel your inner William Goldman and say it with me: Nobody knows anything.

Yes, the Patriots, Colts and Cowboys are good. Yes, the Dolphins, Rams and Falcons are bad. Beyond that, it’s all a crapshoot. And yes, we say this every year but does it ever really stick? Why are we still listening to Sean Salisbury and John Clayton bicker back and forth? They don’t know shit. Cris Carter and Dan Marino are both era-defining players at their respective positions … and their opinions are worthless. Are they ever held accountable for their wrong predictions? Beyond the “awwwww shucks” ribbing that they get from their colleagues, not a bit. When’s the last time you heard ESPN or Fox or CBS terminate a pundit’s employment for poor analysis?

So the next time you’re listening to The Fan or The Team or The Ticket, I want you to take another piece of advice from Dead Prez: “Turn off the radio! Turn off that bullshit!”

Kobe Bryant Rumors

Rumor has it Kobe Bryant just cleared out his locker today and a trade will be announced within hours. Where is he going? Who knows. I'm guessing Isiah Thomas traded 17 future 1st round picks for him. Stay tuned as more details become clear.

NOTE: While I'm not making this up, it may be unsubstantiated.

The Eagles: Solidly Mediocre

Yeah, they won. But it wasn't pretty. The defense played well, the offense, eh, not so much. McNabb just isn't 100%, and the play calling just isn't that good. Is this a playoff team? In the NFC, why not? They will, however, have to finish better than at least one team in the division, and that seems unlikely. They aren't catching Dallas. The Giants are, somehow, 4-2. And the Redskins, well, they are the Redskins. Anything is possible I suppose. But I wouldn't wager on them either way. Anyway, enough about them. My interest is minimal, at best.

The Rockies have now won 20 of their last 21 games. They are one win away from the World Series. Fans are coming out of the woodwork, primarily because the Broncos aren't good (and are on a bye week). I honestly think this team will beat Cleveland in the World Series, because that seems to be how baseball has been working lately. Let's take a look at the last six World Series Champions, shall we?

2006: St. Louis Cardinals. Totally loyal fan base, relatively deserving city, completely undeserving team. They won 83 games. Ugh. The NL Central should be wiped off of the face of the Earth. At least the Rockies won 90 games (including a 1 game playoff) this year.

2005: Chicago White Sox. No problem here, although these fans did get six championships out of Michael Jordan. That helps to ease the pain of not winning a World Series for 87 years.

2004: Boston Red Sox. Look, just because they were the loudest whiners does not mean they were tortured. They got two Patriots Super Bowl victories right before the World Series and one right after it. And there was the whole Larry Bird era. And, while most pre-2004 Sox fans were quite loyal, all of the ones that have sprung up since have made Boston area fans intolerable as a whole. This series wasn't a slap in the face to baseball, but to sports fans in general, it has made our quality of living worse simply because of how it has made all Boston fans.

2003: Florida Marlins. Um, it don't get no worse than this. We were 7 outs away from Cubs-Red Sox and we ended up with Marlins-Yankees. The Marlins also won in 1997 (only their 5th season in the league) only to completely dismantle the team they had put together. (And they beat the Indians! Harbinger of doom, anyone?) The same thing happened in 2003, and as a result, they have no fans whatsoever. A baseball team. In Miami. Without fans. The city is like, 94% Latino!* They love baseball! The Marlins are a disgrace to our national pastime, through no real fault of the players or the fans. But there is no franchise in American sports less deserving of a championship, let alone two. Fuck the Marlins. Yes, I am bitter.

2002: Anaheim Angels. Well, I guess this team has fans. But does Disneyville U.S.A. really deserve a championship sports team? I say no. They never should have renamed this team. What was wrong with the California Angels? It worked wonders for the raisins. Damn, those are some smoov muthafuckas. Also, rally monkeys are gay. Real gay.

2001: Arizona Diamondbacks. Ah, they year that started it all. Look, we're all real glad the Yankees dynasty ended at the hands of someone, but did it have to be a team in it's 4th season? Again, nothing against the players, but for fucks sake, there's a pool in left field. A fucking swimming pool! In a baseball stadium! Honestly, what was the thought process there? "Hey, you know what would make watching a baseball game more enjoyable in person? Swimming!" And I'm supposed to believe this team has real fans? Yeah, right. They don't even deserve to beat the Rockies.

Which brings me back to my original point: The Cleveland Indians, swell bunch of guys that they are, are destined to lose to another NL expansion team. It will probably be the Colorado Rockies, and while I'll be rooting for the Indians, at least I'll be able to take solace in the fact that my city will remain only the second most tortured sports town around. Golly, I sure do love baseball.

*Statistical data unresearched and entirley fabricated.

Baseball Thoughts, Other Stuff

Did you ever in your life think you would see an NLCS featuring the Rockies and the Diamondbacks? Kill me. Do it now, make it swift. The Rockies won game one, by the way. I have nothing against that team, but good God almighty, Rockies - Diamondbacks? ROCKIES - DIAMONDBACKS?!?!?! This is worse than 2003 when we were like 7 outs away from a Cubs - Red Sox World Series and we ended up with Marlins - Yankees. Ugh. This, combined with the fact that Dane Cook is invading my TV during baseball games, is making me question my loyalty as fan of the game. And I love baseball. Please stop doing this to me God.

The Phillies gave Charlie Manuel an extension. For the record, I'm against this, but not too vehemently. I mean, he isn't great, and I'm pretty sure there's tapioca inside his head, but are they really going to find someone better? There are maybe, maybe, five good managers (Manuel is not one of them) in the game today. As bad as Uncle Cholly is at times, he's better than most alternatives. So whatever. If the players like him, fine. But he is an idiot.

The Flyers totally pounded the Canucks Wednesday. 8-2. Good god. When you score 8 goals in a hockey game, even someone as disillusioned and spiteful as I am (there will be an article in the relatively near future about my life as a Flyers fan) has to write something about it. This just in: Danny Briere is good.

That's it for now. I may or may not discontinue picking NFL games. I'm not good, and I am lazy. We'll see.

Ow, My Head

Well, the Phillies' postseason is over as quickly as it began. Three games against the Rockies, three losses. Just like that, they're done. But you know what? I'm okay with it. While I certainly would have liked to see them advance, as a fan, I was on a free roll anyway. They weren't supposed to be in the playoffs. I was never expecting them to be there. I had already resigned myself more than once during the season to another October without the Phillies, so when they ended up being there, it was a such a pleasant surprise that nothing could really ruin it.

Still, the way in which they bowed out was hardly pleasant. In fact, their entire season draws shocking parallels to a day in the life of a college student. The day, like the Phillies, started badly. Let's say it was a Friday and you had class all morning, even though the majority of people at your college didn't have Friday classes at all, let alone at 8am. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, class ends. Now you're off to happy hour at the local watering hole, and things are going well.

Unfortunately, because you've already been awake so long, after a few beers at happy hour, you're starting to feel tired and sluggish. By now it's about 5:30 in the afternoon and you have a very crucial decision to make: take a nap to rest up for an evening of debauchery, or do some laundry, get high and fall asleep at a reasonable hour to prepare for tomorrow. The Phillies, given their plague of injuries, chose the latter. But some of their players didn't get the message. And neither did the Mets.

So anyway, you're getting ready for bed. You're tired, maybe a little buzzed, and looking forward to sleeping for the next 14 hours while the world around you parties. You're very okay with this, but then your phone rings. One of your buddies calls you up to tell you about a huge party going on in Brooklyn. You tell him you're about to go to bed and that you don't want to head over to BK, but he keeps pestering you and eventually you give in. All of a sudden your night has new life.

It starts out well enough. The party seems pretty sweet. That asshole from Queens that you hate decided not to come at the last minute, and that jerk from Atlanta who seems to be at every party decided not to show either. There's even a couple hot chicks there, one of whom is for whatever reason willing to talk to you. You're hitting it off, but then everything takes a turn for the worse. The fact that you've been awake for the last 18 hours is, along with the beer, starting to catch up to you. Some hotshot freshman jerkoff from Denver has started talking to your girl and you're too drunk/tired to do anything about it. The next thing you know he's leaving with her and you're waiting 30 minutes for the L train at 4am with your buddy, sucking down a Pabst you jacked from the fridge at the party, wondering what just happened. You wake up the next morning naked on your floor, a little confused at how you got there.

All in all the night could have gone better, but you don't have any regrets. The party was pretty cool, and while you may not have been fully prepared for it, time at college is precious and one must make the most of every second of it. You feel deep down that this was a step in the right direction. Next time you'll take that girl home and rail her till you get a trophy with a bunch of little flags on it. Next time you wont just be happy to be there. Next time you'll be ready. But right now your head hurts and you just need to crawl back into bed for the next 6 hours and sleep off any lingering effects.

That's the way I feel about the Phillies' season. No regrets. It's definitely something upon which they can build, even if it didn't quite end perfectly. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go back to bed and sleep the NLDS off.

NFL Picks, Week Five

Maybe I'm finally starting to get the hang of this. Last week I went 9-5. That, or this season is just really fucked. That might be it. Everyone sucks except the Patriots, Colts, and, unfortunately, Cowboys. While I'm beginning to accept the Packers as a playoff team, especially in the NFC, where they're already halfway there with 4 wins, they aren't a contender. Sorry, they just aren't. Not when the return of Vernand Morency is going to improve their running game.

Anyway, onto the picks. Home team in caps.

NEW ORLEANS (-3) over Carolina: Hey, the Saints have to win eventually, and Carolina is in shambles. David Carr is starting and the defense is a mess. Who knows when Dan Morgan will be back. With all due respect to the NFC North, this is the worst division in football.

KANSAS CITY (+2) over Jacksonville: I don't know what to think of either of these teams, other than that neither of them is any good. But the Chiefs always play well at Arrowhead, so that has to be worth something, right? Who knows. At this point the only thing that's clear is anyone who picked MoJo Drew in the first two rounds of their fantasy draft (and there are a lot of people who did) is an idiot. No one has ever had a flukier season than he did in '06. I'm not saying he isn't talented, but 16 TDs? Yeah, that was happening again.

Detroit (+3.5) over Washington: For the record, I think Washington, playing at home and coming off a bye, wins this game. But not by more than three. God's Quarterback is playing well and the Lions now face the challenge of not making the playoffs in the NFC despite winning three of their first four games. I have faith that they will pull it off.

PHILADELPHIA (+3) over Bye Week: Again, I think the Bye will win this outright, but it will be close. I see the Eagles losing by no more than two, while McNabb is sacked 17 times.

TENNESSEE (-8.5) over Atlanta: I think Tennessee is for real because Vince Young is definitely for real. Also, Atlanta is terrible. 8.5 is a lot for a team without a legit passing game, but I still think Tennessee covers.

Miami (+5) over HOUSTON: Again, Miami has to win eventually. Houston will be without Andre Johnson and probably Ahman Green. Miami is terrible enough that the Texans could pull this off, but I see a crappy, unwatchable game that someone wins by three. That, or a tie.

PITTSBURGH (-6) over Seattle: I got nothing here. I'm picking Pittsburgh because it's in Pittsburgh, but these teams look evenly matched. I think the Steelers are pissed about losing last week, and they'll take it out on the Seahawks. Or maybe they wont. I don't know. If I could skip a game, this would be it.

NEW ENGLAND (16.5) over Cleveland: They could be playing anyone other than Indy, and I would still pick them to cover anything less than a 21 point spread. Jesus this team is good. And yes, Cleveland's offense has looked surprisingly frisky, but I think New England has a legit shot at 16-0. I'm praying against it, because it's the only way Boston fans could become more intolerable, but damn, this team is probably the best football team I've seen since the '94 49ers. Until we get to week 8 and the spread is routinely 3 or more touchdowns, I'm taking the Pats.

Arizona (-3.5) over ST. LOUIS: Oh, St. Louis. This is payback for an 83-win team winning the World Series last year. You get no sympathy from me. Enjoy Gus Frerotte.

N.Y. Jets (+3.5) over N.Y. GIANTS: I like how the Giants are officially the home team. That's funny. I also think it's funny that the Giants are favored here. Tom Coughlin is going to outcoach Eric Mangini? Riiiight. The Jets aren't as terrible as they seem. I think they definitely cover here, if not win outright. However, if they trade for Winston Justice before the gamer starts, take the Giants.

INDIANAPOLIS (-9.5) over Tampa Bay: I know Tampa Bay is 3-1. I know they're scrappy and well coached. I don't care. Indy is really fucking good and this game is in Indy. I don't think the loss of Cadillac Williams will affect the Bucs much, but Indy being a better team will affect them a lot.

San Diego (+1) over DENVER: I don't know what the hell is going on in San Diego. Is Norv Turner really this bad? Is Phillip Rivers? Who knows. All I know is Travis Herny is banged up and stoned, and the Denver defense might be good against the air, but I don't see them playing well against Tomlinson. Still, there's a reason the line is 1 here: even Vegas doesn't know what to make of this game.

Baltimore (-3.5) over SAN FRANCISCO: I know I said I had to support San Fran, but that was with Alex Smith as QB. When Trent Dilfer plays, all bets are off. I don't like this Ravens team, but I really don't like the Niners.

GREEN BAY (-3) over Chicago: Still not sold on the Packers, but the Bears ain't good. Injuries have decimated the defense and a sheer lack of talent at QB and RB has decimated the offense. Could the Bears win this game? Sure. Easily. But I doubt they will. Still, Brian Griese is not as terrible as people say he is. Look at his stats in 2000. Not too shabby. Unfortunately for the Bears, he was 25 then, not 32. Oh well.

Dallas (-10) over BUFFALO: This should be a shootout. I'm hoping this is the week Lee Evans makes me remember why I drafted him on my fantasy team. I hate the Cowboys, but they're good. Buffalo isn't. If this game were in December, I'd take the Bills, but it isn't cold enough to matter yet. Plus, it'll still be at least a few weeks before T.O. submarines the team.

Well, enjoy the games, and the baseball. Crazy game in Cleveland last night. That was a lot of bugs. Just one more reason never to go to Cleveland. As if we needed another one.

Last Week: 9-5
Season: 25-34-3

Game Two

Ugh. You see, this is what I was afraid of. Don't get me wrong, I'm THRILLED the Phillies made the playoffs, especially when you consider how the Mets helped them, but one thing sticking out in the back of my mind was, "Well, now they wont fire Charlie Manuel". But oh, they should. He isn't a good manager. Yes, maybe he keeps the team loose. And maybe that's why they always start poorly. These teams didn't start poorly under Larry Bowa. They came out swinging and faded down the stretch because he's a hardass. We need to find a happy medium. Uncle Cholly has to go. Pulling Kendrick was just another example of a man who does not know how to think overthinking things.

A couple other notes on baseball: The Yankees got spanked, which was nice. And the Cubs, a team that really didn't deserve a playoff spot, are doing their best to relinquish said spot as fast as possible. Also, nothing against the Rockies, but if they win the World Series, I'm going to be physically ill. Two Marlins championships and one Rockies championship in the 15 years they have existed while Cubs, Indians, Tigers, Phillies, Mets, Dodgers and Giants fans (and the list goes on) wait patiently for a ring is absolutely inexcusable. It's bad enough the Diamondbacks won a ring in their 4th season. At least the Devil Rays have had the courtesy to stink to all hell.

And speaking of the Diamondbacks, who won again to go up 2-0 on the Cubs, are we really headed for a Diamondbacks - Rockies NLCS? Really? Them? How many people are really - and I mean really - going to care? 12? Maybe 15? These teams don't have real fans! No one even lived out there 50 years ago! And the people who do live there now were all born elsewhere. There are no tortured sports fans in Colorado or Arizona. No one is telling their grandkids about the legendary Rockies teams led by Larry Walker and Andres Galaraga or the fabled 2001 Diamondbacks. Ugh. I just don't get it. And yes, I AM bitter. 23 years and nothing to show for it. This is why me and you God, still not cool.

Oh, and Phils in five. Come on fellas, I really don't want to focus on the Eagles right now.

Game One, Other Stuff

I know I said I was going to post a running diary for game one of the Phillies-Rockies series. Well, I lied. I did keep a diary, but right after the game was over I had to jump on a train to go to the Roots concert. (More on this in a minute.)

By the time I finished typing up the diary and anyone got a chance to read it, game two would have started. It's not like they won. Who to blame? Hamels? No, he pitched well other than the 2nd inning. The offense? Well, Howard and Utley were a combined 0-8 with 7 strikeouts. Rollins was 0-3. You want to blame those guys? Please. Without them, there is no playoff baseball in Philly. Jeff Francis deserves credit. He pitched incredibly well. It's a five game series. There's still plenty of time. If you really want someone to blame, there's always Adam Eaton.

As for The Legendary Roots Crew, who were joined by Big Daddy Kane, MC Lyte, Beanie Sigel, Dice Raw, Malik B and Rashad Smith, I mean, wow. If you have never seen The Roots live, well, do it. They're incredible. No other musical act will give you your money's worth more than The Roots. They played for three hours. Simply Fantastic. For the second year in a row I got ?ueslove paraphernalia. I got his fist pick last year, and this year I got an autographed drumstick, both of which were thrown into the crowd after the show. Suh-weet. Seriously, go see them. You wont regret it.

More tomorrow. Go Phils.

Fourteen Hours

In 14 hours, the Phillies will play playoff baseball for the first time in my adult life.

Goosebumps.

Stay tuned for a live gameblog posted as frequently as I feel like.

Fourteen Years

Fourteen years have gone by since the Phillies have had reason to celebrate like this.


It was a long wait, but this team earned it. I was debating what to name this blog entry. There were a lot of possibilities. "Phinally!", "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so scared!", and of course "It turns out it was Billy Wagner that wasn't committed to winning." Any of them would have worked out fine.

(Side note on Wagner: He blew two saves against the Phillies this year, a team that beat his team for the playoffs by one game. In 2005, he blew two games against the Astros, a team that beat his team (the Phillies) for the playoffs by one game. Coincidence? I think not. Suck it, shithead.)

Back to the entry. Anyway, any of those titles would have been fitting, but "Fourteen Years" seems the most appropriate. You know what has happened since the last time the Phillies made the playoffs? As far as my life is concerned, pretty much everything. I was 9 in 1993. Since then I have begun and completed middle school, high school and college. 7 years of Clinton and 7 years of Dubya have gone by. 9/11. Four Yankees World Series rings. Three Patriots Super Bowl victories. Two Michael Jordan retirements. The Red Sox and White Sox won the World Series. O.J. Simpson's public image changed a little. Tupac, Biggie, mainstream hip-hop - all dead. And thats only the tip of the tip of the iceberg. In the cosmic sense, 14 years is the blink of an eye. But in the 23 year old Philadelphian sense, its a fucking eternity. It's roughly 60% of my life.

And now? Vindication. At least temporarily. My memories of playoff baseball are distant, but still relatively vivid. I remember clinching the division. I remember beating the Braves - Nails' 10th inning homer, Wild Thing's leap. And I remember the World Series - Schillings amazing performance, losing a game in which we scored 14 runs, Joe Fucking Carter. And I was happy right up until that last moment. Unbelievably happy. Happy in a way I have been only a seldom few times in my life. That happiness? It's back.


And yes, I know, the Phillies still have to get past the Rockies or the Padres. And then they would have to get past another NL team. And then they would have to beat a superior AL team. And yes, I am a realist. I do not think the Phillies will win the World Series. But I sure as hell didn't think the Cardinals were winning the World Series last year. And I didn't think the Marlins were going to win in 1997. Or 2003. (Can you believe the Florida Marlins have won two World Series? Ugh.) The thing is, anything can happen once you're in the playoffs. And the Phillies are in. And I'm ready for whatever comes next.

PLAYOFFS!

Yes motherfucker, we're talking about playoffs. Jim Mora would be proud. I'm... I'm shocked. In a really, really, really good way. More on this later in the day. I just got home from work.

Playoffs baby. Playoffs.