God Damn It, Now I Have to Root for the Rockies

Fuck you Cleveland. You couldn't win one more fucking game? Really? Fuck. Now I have to root for the Rockies. This is almost as bad as when I was forced to root for the Marlins in 2003. Not that I hate the Rockies, but shit, I really hate the Red Sox. Well, I really hate their fans. I'm pretty indifferent towards the players themselves. Manny is actually pretty fucking amusing. And David Ortiz is cool I guess. J. D. Drew can go choke on a fat one, though. That fucking evangelical fuck.

Do yo have any idea what this means? If the Red Sox win another World Series, combined with the success of the Patriots, we're looking at the single most annoying fan base in the history of mankind. Worse than Notre Dame football fans. Worse than Cowboys fans. And yes, way worse than Yankees fans.

Big Daddy Drew of Kissing Suzy Kolber explains it perfectly, saying:

Boston fans fail to grasp a standard rule of sports fandom, which is: Any team that wins a title that is not your team is fucking annoying. It doesn’t matter how the other team won. They’re not YOUR team, so they can eat a fat dick. Fuck this “appreciating” other teams shit. Normal fans don’t do that. At least Cowboy and Yankee fans have a solid understanding of just why people can’t fucking stand them. But Mickey from Natick? Nope, he’s not gonna grasp that concept. In fact, he’s not gonna grasp much of anything.

(The entire article, which is a must-read for anyone who can't stand Boston fans, can be found here.)

So now I have to hope The Rockies, whose fans are undeserving if not insufferable, can stay ridiculously hot and upset the Red Sox, which will prevent my head from exploding.

Honestly, this all makes me sad. Until 2004, I understood Boston fans. They were, for the most part, miserable, like me. Yes, they had the Patriots and the Celtics, but the vast majority of Boston sports fans cared about the Red Sox and only the Red Sox. Then 2004 happened, and "Sox fans" started oozing out of the woodwork in droves. Genuine Boston fans were quickly outnumbered by assholes who couldn't name 6 Red Sox players. To make matters worse, I was in New York when the Red Sox won the World Series, and you had better believe every schmuck who lived anywhere near Boston at one point in his or her life what wearing a Sox hat and talking about how clutch Manny Ortez was.

And then, 4 months later, the Patriots beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl and the Decade of Douchebaggery was in full swing. Boston fans have not looked back. And so, it is because of this that I beseech you, Rockies of Colorado: please, please, beat those fucking fucks. And do it badly. For the sake of us all.