Ed Stefanski Is Doing His Job

Kyle Korver and his terrible contract were traded tot he Jazz for Gordan Giricek AND a first round pick. Look, I like Korver, but he's a one dimensional player. Yes, he can shoot threes. No, he can't guard anyone. And yes, he was overpaid. They seem like pretty similar players, although Giricek is older. Can't say this wasn't a good trade, because it looks like it was. Have fun in Salt Lake City Kyle.

This Just In: Donovan McNabb Is Still Good

I don't care if the Saints have a terrible secondary. I don't care if that final TD was a result of mind-boggling play calling. Donny can still play. Fuck all you haters. Yes, Angelo Cataldi, I AM looking at you. Blowhard.

To everyone else, Merry Christmas. That's right, I said it. Merry fucking Christmas. Hanukkah is over, and really, does anyone even know what Kwanzaa is? Kwanzaabot has been handing out that book for over 600 years. If you do know what it is, and you celebrate it, Happy Kwanzaa.

I'll be taking a few days off from this, unless something really awesome or noteworthy happens. Enjoy the holiday(s).

A Year Later, It Still Hurts

Allen Iverson was traded a year ago today. It, um, hasn't exactly worked out for the Sixers. Watching him made me giggle on a consistent basis with the way he made impossible plays seem routine. No other athlete has ever done that.



Video courtesy of The 700 Level.

My Thoughts On A Game I'm Not Going To Watch

Hooray, the Pro Bowl! Excuse while I don't give a shit. Still, the selection is interesting. It's always nice to see Eagles going to the game. Westbrook obviously deserves to be there. I suppose Andrews does too, but I don't know much about offensive lines. All in all I don't have much of a problem with the rosters, but I do have a couple legit gripes.

First of all, where is Trent Cole? He is 3rd in the NFL in sacks with 12.5, 2nd in the NFC, and he has been by far the best and most consistent player on the Eagles' defense. I understand that they're 6-8, and that the players taken ahead of him are all on playoff teams, but Osi Umenyiora? Don't get me wrong, he's good, but had William (Tra) Thomas played in week 4, he doesn't come anywhere near this roster. Half (HALF!) of his 12 sacks came in one game against a clearly overmatched Winston Justice. Cole has 65 tackles to Umenyiora's 43, and they have both forced 4 fumbles. Also, Cole doesn't have the luxury of playing opposite Michael Strahan. Why no one else outside of Philadelphia is mentioning this, I don't know.

Second, Al Harris is starting in the Pro Bowl? Really? HE'S A FUCKING BUM. I don't care if he's big and fast, he can't cover anyone! It's like people in the NFL don't actually watch him play. Have fun with Randy Moss, Al. Just don't forget to celebrate the one interception off a deflected pass after Randy has already torched you for 3 TDs and 120 yards in the 1st half.

And last and maybe even least, no disrespect to Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson, but Westbrook should be the starter for the NFC. Peterson is a hell of a player. He absolutely deserves to be on the team, and I'm sure this won't be his last Pro Bowl. But if you needed to win a game tomorrow, and you had to take one NFC running back, it wouldn't be Peterson. (It might be Steven Jackson, but he's missed too many games to qualify for this argument.) I'm not saying Peterson won't be a better player than Westbrook, but right now, he isn't nearly as complete. No, Westbrook isn't going to run for 296 yards anytime soon, especially not with the way the Eagles play the game. But he would also never gain only 3 yards on 14 carries. That just wouldn't happen. Westbrook is also the best pass-catching RB in the game. He has 83 receptions to Peterson's 17, with 450 more yards to show for it. Peterson has 13 overall scores, Westbrook has 11. Peterson has lost 3 fumbles, Westbrook has lost 1, and it was his first in over 500 touches. Peterson has a very bright future ahead of him, but I don't think he's had a better year than Brian Westbrook. Call me a homer, but I think the stats back me up.

Well Done Fellas

You beat the Cowboys. That's always nice. Now do us all a favor and lose the next two games. We need the highest possible draft pick. Don't do anything crazy like go and make the playoffs. No one needs that.

Anyway, there have got to be a lot of pissed off fantasy football players today, and not just because Westbrook took a knee at the 1 yard line instead of scoring a TD. At least he put up 140 total yards before that. Needed 5 points from Tom Brady or Tony Romo? Sorry. Needed 8 From Randy Moss? Tough shit. Needed 4 from T.O. Oops. Got stuck playing against Aaron Stecker? Damn. But hey, this happens every year. Once you get to the playoffs, it's a new game. Kinda like real football, though the similarities end there.

Anyway, I'm not crazy enough to think the Eagles' season isn't over, even if, mathematically, it isn't. But beating Dallas in Dallas in a meaningful game always makes me smile.

Lenny Dykstra Did 'Roids?

Really? And have you heard John Kruk liked hot dogs? And that Allen Iverson has tattoos? And Donovan McNabb is black! Really!

I mean, duhhhh... We didn't love Nails because he hit 16 homeruns in '93. We love Nails because he was balls to the fucking wall, day in, day out. It's the exact opposite of the Clemens situation. Even if he were clean, no on would love him. Because he's a fucking asshole.

Some names were surprises though, but on the whole, Bud Selig needs to be punished for this. God I hate him. More thoughts on the report later. (Maybe.)

Rowand, Iguchi, Goin, Goin, Out, Out, to Cali, Cali

Iguchi got a one year deal from the Padres to play second base (the Phils offered him an undisclosed amount for 2 years to play 3rd). Rowand got a 5 year deal worth $60 million to play for the Giants. While I'm sad to see him go, I think giving him that much money for that long is a mistake, especially when Ryan Howard needs a fat raise, and Cole Hamels will need one soon too. I'm a little worried about Jason Werth playing right field for a full season, more because of his health than his ability. Also, the 6-7-8 hitters on this team will scare no one. Good thing 1-5 is crap-your-pants worthy.

If the Mets don't land Santana (or Haren or Bedard) this team can still win the division as is. If the Mets DO land one of those guys, well, we have a problem.

You're Leaving Already?

Really Bobby Petrino? Only 13 games? Yeah, I know you only won 3 of them, but still. You weren't the goat here. The blame was going to fall on that Vick guy. You could have at least stuck around for another year and tried to pull things together. No one was blaming you. You hadn't done well, but few, if any, would have if thrust into such a situation.

Arkansas? Really? It's not like they're a big time power. Darren McFadden wont be there next season. There are about 6-7 teams better than them in the SEC, give or take. I don't even think you'll feel less scrutiny there. No one in Atlanta actually gives a shit about their sports teams. But them good ol' boys down in Little Rock*? They care. A lot. So good luck, I guess. According to Don Banks at SI.com, no one in Atlanta is going to miss you anyway.

*University of Arkansas may not actually be located in Little Rock, which is the only city in Arkansas of which I have heard.

T.O. or Randy? The Debate Ends Here

Yeah, I know this blog hasn't been updated in almost a week. Sorry. I been busy. Zwill might be dead. It won't happen again. Unless it does. Anyway, moving on. Before I get into the crux of this post - who is a better player, T.O. or Randy Moss - I'd just like to add a couple things about the Birds game.

Um, they stink. I'm not sure the Eagles have ever been this mediocre in my life - they've been better, and they've been worse. The play calling stinks, the execution outside of Westbrook leaves a lot to be desired, and the receivers just aren't good enough to make defenses worry about anyone other than Westbrook. The reason this offense was so fearsome in 2004 wasn't just a healthy McNabb and a superb Westbrook. It had a lot to do with a certain closeted homosexual that was really good at catching footballs.

They had their big 3 and they barely lost to a Patriots team that slightly outplayed them and more than slightly outcoached them, but that's another article I may or may not write. The point is, despite being one or two lucky breaks from the Lobardi Trophy, the Eagles' brass, T.O. and Drew Rosenhaus all came together to ruin a beautiful situation that would have kept the Eagles as Super Bowl contenders for years to come. Instead, the hated player is playing for the hated team and anyone who thinks the Eagles are better off without him is a douchebag idiot. Ditto for anyone who thinks Randy Moss was a risk when all you had to give up was a 4th round pick. Anyway, onto the comparison.

You have to choose one for a whole season. Both of these guys are motivated. Every other player on the team remains constant. Who you pickin', T.O. or Randy?

or

Tagline:
Owens: "Jeff Garica (read: Terrell Owens) ain't straight, homey."
Moss: "Straight cash, Homey."
Edge: Moss, by a lot.

Physical Stats:
Owens: 6'3", 224 lbs, really fucking strong, pretty damn fast, decent leaper, above average hands, but drops a lot of passes
Moss: 6'4, 210 lbs, strong enough, really fucking fast, great leaper, fantastic hands
Edge: Moss, slightly, because he almost never drops a pass and T.O. rarely makes you go "Holyfuckingshit!" when he makes a catch, whereas Moss does it constantly.

2007 Stats (through 13 games):
Owens: 74 catches, 1270 yards, 97.7 yards per game, 14 TDs
Moss: 82, 1264, 97.2, 19 TDs
Edge: Moss, slightly. T.O. isn't the same redzone target Moss is because he doesn't jump quite as high and Dallas has other good options in Witten and Barber. Still, both guys are having great years, but you can't ignore a 5 TD difference.

Career Stats:
Owens: 171 games played, 875 catches, 12,985 yards, 75.9 yards per game, 128 TDs
Moss: 151, 758, 11,964, 79.2, 120
Edge: Owens, slightly, and here's why: He never takes a game off. Love him or hate him, regardless of whatever venom he might spew about his QB or coach or team during the week, he comes to play. Always. Randy had 11 TDs in TWO seasons combined in Oakland - his last two seasons before coming to New England. Not counting Owens' 2005 campaign, when he was still putting up gaudy numbers until the Eagles shut him down after 7 games - he has put up 14 or more TDs in all but two of his seasons since 1998, which was his coming out party. Randy has admitted to not really giving a shit sometimes. When he gives a shit he's phenomenal, but sometimes he doesn't. That isn't cool.

Locker room persona:
Owens: If he's happy, everyone is happy.
Moss: Less influential and less vocal than Owens, but if he isn't pleased, it will be clear.
Edge: Even, although if either is unhappy, T.O. will still perform on the field. Moss might not.

Career defining moment(s) to date:
Owens: That catch he made against the Packers in the playoffs in 1998 remains one of the more impressive grabs I've ever seen. That was the exclamation point to a season that put him on the map. That being said, his career may be more defined by the whole Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb feuds than by his extraordinary talent.
Moss: After falling all the way to 21st in the 1998 draft, Moss set the league on fire for a team that holds the NFL record for points scored - a record that Moss' new team is about to break. He put up 1,300 yards and 17 TDs as a rookie, and only had one season with fewer than 10 TDs in Minnesota before going to Oakland. Before he left Minnesota there was no debate as to who the best receiver in the NFL was. His 19 TDs this season make his subpar performance in Oakland easy to overlook, unless of course you're a Raiders fan.
Edge: Moss, slightly. Neither of these guys will be remembered as ideal teammates, but if they both retired today, Moss' legacy would be cleaner and more impressive.

Final Verdict: Moss, but it's close. They're both essentially locks for the Hall, but Moss is the more unique, dynamic talent. Also, he isn't nearly as big of a dick/drama queen.

Oh No. No No No No No.

Rumor - substantiated rumor - has it that both Miguel Cabrera AND Dontrelle Willis are headed to the Tigers for six players I've never heard of who someday may be good. We're adding BOTH of these guys to the Tigers?!?!?!?!

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. On the surface this isn't all bad - at least the Phillies don't have to play them 19 times a year. But holy shit, who the fuck is going to beat the Tigers?! Miguel Cabrera is, by my humble estimate, the third best hitter in baseball, all things considered. (Pujols and A-rod are ahead of him. It's also possible that Matt Holiday is as well, but remember, he's a Rockie.) Yes, even I, worshiper of all things Utley, think he is better than Chase. And now he's joining a line up that is going to feature him, Magglio Ordonez, Gary Sheffield, Curtis Granderson, Carlos Guillen, Placido Polanco, Ivan Rodriguez AND Edgar Renteria?! Hold on to your asses, American League. Y'all in some trouble.

And then there's Dontrelle, who, granted, has not looked good since his monster 2005 campaign. But he's still young and Comerica is a pitcher's paradise. Barring injuries, this team is winning 110+ games. Yikes. This makes me especially sad for two reasons:

1.) I really, REALLY wanted the Phillies to land Cabrera. I don't care what it would have taken, as long as it wasn't Chase, Jimmy or Cole. I would have given up Howard. Yes, Cabrera is THAT good. And he's 24.

2.) What has happened with the Marlins - winners of not one but TWO World Series championships over the course of their 15 year existence - is absolutely sickening. Your team has no revenue? Thats because you alienate all your fucking fans by selling off your talent! The firesales that occurred after 1997 and 2003 were atrocities. That team needs to be either moved or taken from the current ownership. In a city with a HUGE Latino population, you can't sell baseball tickets? That, my friends, is sad.

So yeah, this is terrible news for anyone not in Detroit. For anyone in Detroit, go fuck yourselves. Lucky jerks.

Maybe The Sixers Are Headed In The Right Direction After All

They finally canned Billy King, one of the absolute worst GMs in basketball (which is REALLY saying something). This move came abut 6 years too late, but hey, better late than never. King started fucking up as soon as he was handed the keys to the franchise - he drafted Larry Hughes over Paul pierce, among others, in 1998 - and kept fucking up until they got rid of him, which they did today.

His replacement, Ed Stefanski, has at the very least a decent resume, as he is one of the architects behind the current New Jersey Nets team, which is good if not great. He is also a Philly area native and will no doubt be committed to making the Sixers not suck. Good luck buddy. You got a ways to go.

You've GOT To Be Kidding Me

I... I got nothin'. Despite Brady ending up on his ass multiple times, the Ravens, much like the Eagles, couldn't take care of business. Patriots, 2, mid-Atlantic birds of prey, 0. I'd be lying if I said I was sick, but I'd be lying if I said I was thrilled, too. For the third week out of 4, the Pats had no business winning and somehow still did. Oh well. As I said before, I don't know if someone will best this team, but shit, someone can. Fingers crossed baby, fingers crossed.

How Dare You Boo A.J. Feeley!

Yes you, fellow Eagles fans. You wanted A.J., you got him. Why any of you are the least bit surprised that a back up quarterback played like - gasp! - a back up quarterback, I have no idea. But in a poll conducted by the local NBC affiliate, over 70% of those polled this past week said they wanted Feeley to start regardless of McNabb's health. So, roughly 70% of Eagles fans are morons, give or take? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Well, I'm not a fucking moron. Feeley now has 7 interceptions on the season. Donovan McNabb has 6. A.J. has started 2 games. Donovan has started 10. Hmmm, one of those things is worse than the other. Now look, I understand McNabb is still banged up. It is, after all, December. Given the circumstances, Feeley should have started against the Seahawks. But the circumstances are not "A.J. Feeley is better than Donovan McNabb". The circumstances are "Donovan McNabb is hurt". And Jesus, he needs to heal. Fast.

Honestly? I'm glad Feeley played like dog shit. Don't get me wrong, I wanted the Eagles to win, but I was tired of hearing blowhards like Angelo Cataldi croon on about how McNabb needs to go. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. He's the second best Philadelphia athlete of my generation - behind Allen Iverson - and while Chase Utley is one more great season away from surpassing him, he will forever go down as one of the greatest Eagles of all time, and that's saying something.

Before the season started I wrote this, a piece about great Philly athletes of the last 15 years leaving town despite having something left in the tank, something to contribute to the team, and about how I do not want to see McNabb going down that road. A week ago it seemed inevitable that he would be gone well before he retired, before he stopped playing well. A week, later, that seems less certain. After the game reporters were getting fan reactions from Feeley's God-awful performance. One reporter had this exchange with a fan that had brought a pro-Feeley sign to the game:

Reporter: So who do you want to be the starter next week?
Fan: McNabb!
Reporter: But last week you said you wanted Feeley.
Fan: Well not no more!

Without even playing, Donovan has gained back much of the fan support that was rightfully his. And for that, I will not boo A.J. Feeley. I thank him. The Eagles needed him, and he came through in spades. Now let us never speak of him again.

Al Harris Is A Bum

While watching the cowboys-Packers game Thusrday night, Bryant Gumbel - the man that Wayne Brady makes look like Malcom X - said that "there is no finer cornerback in football" than Al Harris. Um, do you watch football Mr. Gumbel? Al Harris stinks. Yeah, he's 6'2" and he's fast, but that doesn't mean he knows how to cover anyone. T.O. was ass-raping Harris all night long to the tune of 140+ yards and a TD - in the first half. And it would have been even worse if Owens hadn't decided to lateral what would have been another touchdown to Harris in the endzone.

Harris was the Eagles' nickelback for a couple years, and my friends and I used to joke about how he was pass interference penalty just waiting to happen. We would actually make bets as to when he would be flagged prior to every game. It was actually kind of fun. Once, as a senior in high school, I was sitting in homeroom discussing Harris and his lack of talent with a friend when a girl in my class, surnamed Harris, overheard us and this exchange took place:

Her: Hey, he's my uncle!
Me: Really? Oh. Well he's still a terrible cornerback.
Her: So, he's still my uncle!

(20 seconds of blank staring).

But you see, even she had no defense for the fact that he was a bum. Not much has changed since then. Al Harris sucks.

FUCK MARKO JARIC

That son of a bitch is dating my woman. That is NOT FUCKING COOL. You hear me Marko? You just made the list. Me and you buddy, we're throwing down. I mean, come the fuck on.

This man:
is fucking this woman?!?!?!:
Ye gods... there is no God. Marko, however, would probably disagree.

And, to ease our collective pain at this news, and the much more dire Sean Taylor news (R.I.P) here are some more gratuitous Adriana Lima pictures:

Jesus.
Mary.
And Joseph.

Someday, my darling. Someday you will be mine.

Sheldon Was Almost Right. Almost.

Oh, that was close. So very, very close. Let me just say, first and foremost, that I am proud of the Eagles. They put up one hell of a fight and even, on a select few occasions, looked like the better team. They weren't the better team, and they sure aren't the better team, but to a casual observer, they may have appeared that way at times.

There are a few things that need to be said about this game. For only the second time this season, the Patriots looked mortal. Someone may not beat this team, but shit, someone can. The don't run that well. The defense isn't that good. (It's easy to seem that good when the offense keeps you off the field for 40 minutes a game.) And Tom Brady, well, okay, he's really fucking good. He may have only had one TD, but he didn't really make a bad throw all game. Maybe one or two, but not when it mattered. Did anyone really think the Eagles were going into halftime with a lead when Brady was driving at the end of the first half, down by 4? I sure didn't. No one runs a two minute drill better than he does. That fucking asshole.

What also needs to be said is this: A.J. FEELEY IS NOT A BETTER QUARTERBACK THAN DONOVAN McNABB. He never has been, and he never will be. So seriously, all of you idiots here in Philly that think he's the answer, please, shut up. How soon we forget that this is a young man that couldn't hold down a starting job for the soon-to-be 0-11 Miami Dolphins. He's a good back up QB, but that's just it - he's still a back up. A.J. played admirably against the Patriots, but he wasn't "amazing" or "incredible", which were both words I heard someone use to describe his performance tonight. McNabb probably wouldn't have thrown that first interception and he definitely wouldn't have thrown the second one.

One could argue that he may not have made the plays in between those two passes that kept the Eagles in the game, and to that I offer this: if the Eagles coaches called the exact same gameplan for McNabb that they do for any of his back ups, (Feeley, Garica - anyone), then he would be more effective than any of those guys. He is a better QB than any of those guys and would therefore be more effective than any of them if the coaches would use the same gameplan, which is: throw when you have to, but win with Westbrook. The Eagles had to throw a lot tonight because the Patriots keyed in on Westbrook, and trust me people, a healthy Donovan McNabb throws the ball better than a healthy A.J. Feeley every fucking time. It isn't McNabb's fault that Andy still thinks he's the best player on the Eagles. This game was as close as it was because Jim Johnson is a genius and because the playcalling was simple and effective, not because A.J. Feeley is Joe Montana. If McNabb is healthy - and I will concede the possibility that he may not be for quite some time - he should start for this football team. End of discussion.

As for the rest of the game, well, you gotta hand it to both sides. The Eagles deserve credit for shoving what was obviously, in retrospect, one of the most ridiculous spreads of all time down the throats of anyone who bet against them. And the Patriots deserve credit because, well, they did win. And that is, unfortunately, the bottom line. They won. They are still undefeated and will remain that way for at least 7 more days. But there is hope. Someone can beat this team, and God willing, someone will. I can't live in a world where Philadelphia fans rightfully think of Boston fans as obnoxious blowhards. If you think they're bad now - and they are - just wait until the Pats go 19-0. Trust me, we ain't seen nothin' yet. Here's hopin' we never will.

Sheldon Sez: Pats Are Beatable.

You know, if you injure Brady or Moss. A direct quote from Sheldon Brown, starting cornerback for the Eagles, who face the Patriots this Sunday night:

"I think everybody's beatable. This is what's funny to me, and this is why I don't gamble. Say Tom Brady takes a blow to the head in the first quarter and gets a concussion. Are they beatable? Say Randy Moss runs a go route and pulls a hamstring. Are they beatable? It takes a total team effort. Everybody seems to forget that. the game we play, it's such a violent sport, you never known when I guy is going to go down."

Word. That's what I want to hear from my defensive players. Brown isn't stupid. He knows he can't cover Moss. No one can. But if Moss were to pull a hammy, or catch a shiv in the back, shit, you never know who might win.

On a related note, the Eagles are 22 point underdogs. Damn. That's the second highest spread ever. In the history of the NFL. Now, if McNabb and Quentin Mikell announce they're playing, that will probably drop to a more reasonable 17 or so. Yikes. Remember when these two teams played in the Super Bowl? Yeah, they've gone in different directions since then.

M-V-P! M-V-P!

Yes, Jimmy Rollins won the National League MVP award today, becoming the second Phillie in as many years to win the award. Did Rollins deserve it? Yeah, sure, why not. Am I a little biased? I guess. But I wouldn't exactly be frothing mad right now had Matt Holliday won the award. His numbers were pretty good.

Here's Jimmy's take on the whole situation:

I do think Rollins was a little more consistent across the board, although I did see one amazing stat about Holliday's season - during his worst month, he hit .270+ with 7 homers. That was his worst month. Yikes. He's good. Real good. But Rollins was better on the road, he's a very good defender and he was the one constant in a Phillies season that was ravaged by injuries and inconsistent play. (Honestly, had Utley not missed any time, he probably would have won this award.)

Rollins made some ca-razy statements this winter, and he backed them up. He killed the Mets this year. He got a ton of clutch hits. And he played 162 games at the most demanding position on the field other than catcher. Both men deserved it. I'm glad Jimmy got it. Now, if he could just win a playoff game...

In Defense of Barry Bonds

Look, let me say this immediately - I don't like Barry Bonds. He's a dick. Always has been, always will be. These recent developments, however, are a tad over the top. He's being indicted for perjury? Really? Are you going to indite Rafael Palmeiro too? What about Mark "I'm not here to talk about the past" McGwire? (I always loved how he was allowed to get away with saying that WHEN HE WAS APPEARING IN FRONT OF CONGRESS TO DISCUSS HIS PAST!) Good grief. What about Sammy "I suddenly don't speak English" Sosa?

You're going to punish Bonds - because he just happened to be a better baseball player than those guys - and not them? You're going to punish him for not being friendly to the media? Yo, fuck that.

You want to take away his record (if that's even possible)? Fine. No one who actually cares about baseball considers him the "Home Run King". (A couple days ago the headline in the paper read "Home Run King Indicted" and my immediate reaction was "Hank Aaron was indicted?") You want to essentially force him into retirement? Done.

You want to render all of his accomplishments on the baseball diamond worthless? Beyond done. But you want to put him in jail? Come on now. That isn't fair.

If you ask me, this whole thing just REEKS of Monica Lewinsky. No, it doesn't smell like cheeseburgers and dick. I didn't mean it literally. I mean it sounds just like the whole scandal that wasted God only knows how much of our time and money. Did the president get freaky with a fat intern? Yup. Was it any of our fucking business? HELL. FUCKING. NO. That's my problem with perjury: if you have no business asking the question, I don't have to answer it truthfully.

Now, with Bonds it is a little different. We do have a right, as baseball fans, to know if he used performance enhancing drugs. However, at the time of use, he wasn't violating the rules of baseball. Just like Clinton wasn't breaking any laws by letting a fatty schlob his knob. Both Bonds and Clinton were being asked questions they should not have had to answer. Baseball had Barry's test results. He didn't need to go on the stand. And he certainly shouldn't be sent to jail for trying to save his image. Do you really think anyone in the world is more upset about this than Bonds? Not a chance. This is especially upsetting for him (and sad for baseball fans) because he would have been a shoo in for the Hall based on his natural ability alone.

Now? That's all gone. He might get into the Hall of Fame someday, but it will be a pretty vacant honor. The one thing Bonds always had going for him was the respect of true baseball fans, love him or hate him. That's gone now too. And it's never coming back. Do we really need to waste a prison cell (and plenty of taxpayer dollars) on this guy? No. We don't.

Now, if you want to lock Bud Selig up for a while, hey, I'm all for it.

I Hate Fantasy Football

Really, I do. So why do I play it? And why do I have 11 teams? I don't fucking know. Only 3 of those teams matter (the other 8 are free ESPN teams), but this shit still pisses me off to no end. It's like gambling - I got hooked in 2005 when I had a team that featured Shaun Alexander (his MVP season), Larry Johnson (when he went apeshit all over the league after Priest went down), Carson Palmer (his breakout season) and Steve Smith (his comeback year). And the rest of the roster was well rounded too, not that it mattered. (You can see the final team here.) Those four usually outscored the other team I was playing by themselves.

(For the record, I did lose in the final after winning 8 straight because Smith and Palmer did nothing and my opponent had Frank Gore, who felt like breaking out in week 16 of the 2005 NFL season. You see? I told you I fucking hate fantasy football.)

Anyway, after feeling really smart about the way I drafted that team, I had become sucked in. It was really just beginners luck, kind of like how everyone wins the first time they go to Atlantic City. That isn't to say I'm bad at fantasy football, because I'm not. But ever since that first team, it seems nothing has gone right.

Let's use my two star runningbacks from 2005 as examples, shall we? In 2006, in the only league I was playing in that mattered, I was lucky enough to have the first pick. Who did I take? LaDanian Tomlinson - who, for the record, Zwill did say was the best player in football right before the drat started. He's so wise - the man who assraped the league and many an opposing fantasy team? No sir. I took Johnson. Yeah, he had a decent year, but the Chiefs had no other weapons, Herm tried to run him into the ground and there were numerous later picks that outperformed him.

Then there's Shaun Alexander. In 2006 I was fortunate enough to not own him on any teams. 2007 has not been so kind. I have him on no less than 5 teams - including 2 of the important ones - and he is making me quite homicidal. Five fucking teams. I have him on five more teams than Adrian Peterson, Tom Brady and Randy Moss combined. He hasn't scored double digit points since week two. And to think I could have had Joseph Addai on all but one of those teams. Ugh. I fucking hate fantasy football. I can't wait to play it for the next 40 years.

Phils Get Lidge, Lose Bourn

I was going to title this post "Hey Charlotte, How Does Your Ass Feel?", but when I went over to ESPN to check the score of the Sixers game (94-63), this story had just been posted. The Phils gave up Geoff Geary and Michael Bourn (and some minor leaguer) for Brad Lidge, a man with the ability to be one of the premier closers in baseball. You hate to lose Bourn, a speedy outfielder with a ton of potential, but he probably isn't going to be an effective full time major leaguer for the Astros this year. And he may never be. For a very in depth evaluation, check out what Kieth Law has to say. (You will need ESPN Insider to read the entire article.)

More importantly, this allows the Phillies to move Brett Myers back to the rotation. Thank. Fucking. God. Look, Myers was pretty effective as a closer, I can't argue that. You know why? He's a good fucking pitcher! You want your best pitchers throwing 200+ innings if they have the arm to do it, and he has that arm. Now, with Hamels, the Phillies boast a very, very solid 1-2 punch at the top of the rotation. While the rest of the rotation wont scare anyone, it should be good enough to return the Phillies to the playoffs if the lineup does its thing.

And, speaking of the lineup, this trade makes me think the Phillies will keep Rowand. It's that, or go to war with Jason Werth as your right fielder. Werth had a great second half, but Rowand is a proven player, and we love him here in Philly. As long as the asking price isn't way too high, he should be brought back. He had a great year and was integral to the team's success.

Anyway, that's all I know for now. But this much is certain: The Bobcats are going to have trouble sitting down tonight. 31 points? To the Sixers? These Sixers? Yeesh.

Oh, and the Flyers beat the Penguins for the first time since April 2006 by a score of 3-1 to improve their record to 9-5. Yippee.

Nothing good happened to the Eagles. Hey, three outta four ain't bad.

Hey Besiktas, How Does Your Ass Feel?

I'll bet it hurt, because you just got raped. Viciously. By Liverpool. 8-0? Ho-ly shit. Way to be on the wrong end of a Champions League record. Dayum. Y'all got smoked. Peter Crouch, one of the many Brits more talented than David Beckham, opened and closed the scoring. In between Yossi Benayoun notched a hat trick, Steven Gerrard (another Brit way better than Beckham) added a beauty, and Ryan Babel also tallied a pair, the first of which was a glorious backheel that I will post video of as soon as I find it. Mmm, Champions League soccer. Gotta love it.

This Just In: The Eagles Stink!

Wait a minute... that isn't "just in". We've known that for weeks now. All last night's game did was drive that point home in a way that only a nationally televised game against the Cowboys could. The 'Boys won 38-17, and, um, it wasn't that close. The Eagles are now 4 games back in the division with only 8 to play. They are also 0-3 within the division, having lost to the Redskins, Giants and Cowboys once each, all on national TV.

So what's going on? The Eagles used to dominate on national TV (unless it was an NFC championship game). Now? Now they don't dominate anything. I mean, one week they keep Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson in check, and the next week Tony Romo is ass-raping them with a plunger, and doing it with a smile. Yes, the Cowboys are a much better team than the Vikings (and the Eagles, for that matter) but it still does not explain why the Eagles have been so maddeningly inconsistent this season. Usually, when a team plays so up and down over the course of the season, it's time to look at the coach.

Ah yes, the coach. Now look, I have nothing but sympathy for Andy Reid and what he has had to deal with in terms of his offspring over the course of the last year. This isn't his fault. If they were 16, then maybe you could point a finger at him and his wife, but these boys are grown men (albeit stupid ones). Yes, he has, for the last decade at least, worked ridiculously long hours. You know why? To provide for his family! That's how you idiots repay him? Selling drugs in the ghetto and brandishing fire arms at other drivers? Deep down I'm praying those boys don't reproduce, but something tells me they will. They are, after all, Mormons.

Now, it would be foolish to say that Andy has not been affected by the behavior surrounding the idiots known as Britt and Garrett Reid. However, Andy maintains that it does not affect the way he coaches. Well Andy, I'm calling shenanigans. Either it is affecting you and you need to take a leave of absence (no one will judge you) or it isn't affecting you and you just don't know how to coach anymore. The latter is certainly a possibility, but it's still hard to believe for a man who has won over 60% of the games he has coached. But he did, after all, call that punt at the end of the Saints playoff game last year, so maybe he is losing it. And he's always been terrible with clock management. Still, he's got to be one of the better coaches in the NFL, right? Isn't it time for him to take a break, let the Eagles cruise to a 6-10 record, get a nice draft pick and work on next year? Look, I'm not advocating my team go in the tank, but shit, they aren't a playoff team, let alone a Super Bowl contender.

I'm also not advocating the start of the Kevin "Corn on the" Kolb era. McNabb still has a couple good years left, but when his most dangerous target is Kevin Curtis, you can't expect the Eagles to strike fear into the hearts of opposing defenses. It's time to look at next season. Going 6-2 down the stretch and squeaking into the playoffs for a road game would not be a good thing. If this team is to ever win a Super Bowl with any of the pieces it has in place, another draft pick in the 19-26 range isn't going to help. Should we start throwing games? Of course not. This team is shitty enough to lose games while giving a full effort. But this season is over, even if there are 8 games left. Just because I'm not too delusional to admit it, that doesn't make me the asshole. No, the asshole is still this guy.

God, what a fucking asshole.

Pretend You Care About Hockey For A Moment

Let me make it known immediately that this post, whilst appearing on a Philly-centric sports blog, is written by a lifelong New York sports supporter. Every team I root for – Mets, Giants, Knicks, Rangers – is directly at odds with the four major Philadelphia sports franchises. In spite of this, I am allowed space and time to write on this blog in some sort of meaningless ode to the crippled spirit of the American free speech ideal. It is believed, I assume, that my presence brings a type of balance to the equation, if by balance we mean “a different biased perspective.” In any case, it was inevitable that the interests of this blog would run counter to my own and we have our first example of that this evening in the form of the first of many Rangers-Flyers contests this year.

(There will be eight such matchups this season, in fact, given that the NHL does not want you to see anyone outside your division. The Rangers make two trips across the Mississippi river all season, including a two-game jaunt to Minnesota and Colorado in December and a three-game January roadtrip to Calgary, Vancouver and Edmonton, and otherwise don’t travel further than Miami, Tampa and Atlanta for two road contests apiece. Worse off are the Western Conference teams and their fans, which may not see the likes of Crosby, Ovechkin, Heatley – not even Chris Fucking Simon – all season long. But you will be treated to eight games a year with the high-flying New Jersey Devils, led by a barely-pulsing Martin Brodeur. Marty! Wake up!)

The Flyers fast start was much needed. With the Phillies being swept in the first round of the playoffs, the Eagles’ rank-and-file spending an inordinate amount of time with Garrett Reid, and the Sixers beginning another year of pain by giving a starting job to Willie Green, the poor Flyers are left to fly the flag for all of Philadelphia. Last year, the lowly Flyers finished with 56 points, winning a mere 10 of 42 home contests and solidifying their position as the armpit of America’s most frustrating sporting city. But things have suddenly changed and the Flyers are sitting in first place in the Atlantic Division a full month into the season. Most have pointed to the import of Daniel Briere from Buffalo prior to the season as the key to the club’s success but while Briere’s impact is a given, it has been the strong play from the team’s young players – Mike Richards (22 years old), Jeff Carter (22) and Joff Lopul (24) – that has kept the team scoring goals. And a full season of Martin Biron (2.11 GAA in 10 starts) between the pipes will do wonders to make up for the presence of blue line fossils like Derian Hatcher and Jason Smith.

The Rangers came into the season with very high expectations, including many calls for the Cup’s return to the Garden. The team responded as only they can by taking just five points from their first eight games. Even after a recent surge – four wins in five games – they still possess the league’s most inept offense, scoring 1.67 goals per game. Only Edmonton comes close to that pathetic rate at 1.96 GPG. Injuries have played their part as Martin Straka, Sean Avery and Ryan Callahan have all missed significant time but that does not justify the play of many other Ranger forwards. It does not explain why Scott Gomez has a mere five points despite centering Jaromir Jagr. And that’s just one question. Others include: When did Brendan Shanahan become the slowest player in the league? Why is Petr Prucha suddenly useless? How many millions did Jagr lose in his last trip to Vegas?

In spite of their league-worst offense, the Rangers are still 6-6-1, good enough for 13 points, only three behind the Flyers. This can be attributed to several strong defense pairings and one of the league’s top goaltenders, Henrik Lundqvist. The Swede with the expensive haircut has started all 13 contests and possesses a 1.61 GAA. With three shutouts in his last seven games, Henrik is single-handedly keeping the club in contention but even he must be getting a bit tired of his teammates’ incompetence in front of him. At some point he is going to come back to earth.

What can we expect from this evening’s contest? It is the first game of the year between the two rivals but with seven more to come in the next few months I don’t expect either coach to approach this as a crucial early season test. The Rangers took six of eight games from the Flyers last year so one might expect that the Flyers will come out with special purpose but I think that the Rangers’ home-ice advantage (6-2-0 at MSG) will neutralize any special energy that the Flyers bring. I expect the usual defensive tactics and overall stifling of all excitement that the Rangers have employed all season. I will also guarantee several fights. Sean Avery returned to the Rangers’ lineup on Saturday and Ryan Hollweg and Colton Orr will also dress. The Flyers will counter with Ben Eager, Riley Cote and cheap shot artist Randy Jones, fresh off a short suspension for laying out Patrice Bergeron of the Bruins. Hopefully the Rangers will push forward and attempt to score goals rather than, you know, sit back and wait for the game to end. And hopefully the Flyers’ goon squad can avoid anything too dirty, like charging after hecklers in the stands or finishing their checks with shanks in their gloves.

Because Youtube Makes It Look Like We're Working When We're Really Not

I know I linked to this goal before, but man, it's so pretty I just had to post it again. Lionel Messi is the game's next great, great player. Bask in his brilliance.

Because Injuries to Small Children Are Funny

Special thanks to Kris D. for the vid.

Blah Blah Boston Blah

The Patriots won by 45 today, but that's only the second biggest story in Boston. The Red Sox just swept the Rockies (way to fucking go, you purple assholes) in the World Series, and, um... no one really cares? Well, that isn't true. People in Boston care. And bandwagon fans all over the country are pretending to be happy. And for whatever reason Joe Buck wont stop talking. God he sucks. He's like the Dane Cook of sports announcers - untalented and inexplicably famous.

Whatever. I can't watch any more of this celebration. Not because I'm a hater, mind you, but because I just don't care. And maybe a little because I'm a hater.

Anyway, the Eagles won. They beat a team that was starting a QB that couldn't even make their team. That should be all you need to know about the Vikings passing game. Dreadful. The Eagles didn't look awful, but they still suck in the red zone. This is a quintessential 8-8 team if I ever saw one. Yay. Wake me next April. Go Phils.

Some High School Kid Punted A Ball 72 Yards

His name is Luke Dewall. One of his friends tried spamming a message board about it in the Facebook group I created entitled "Dane Cook is Not funny". I deleted the topic, but I told him I'd link to it so others can vote for it. 72 yards is pretty fucking far for a punt, especially in high school. I'd like to see Sav Rocca do that. If you wanna check it out, fine. If not, I couldn't care less. It can be found here.

Lakers Play, Kobe Doesn't

He didn't make the trip for an exibition game in Vegas against the Kings, which the Lakers won. Harbinger of things to come? Who knows. But he's going to play somewhere, and he's going to dominate. Cause, you know, he's Kobe. In other sports news... wait, there wasn't any. Nothing happened today except a bunch of preseason basketball. Boston did put a hurtin' on the Cavs though, 114-89. KG had a triple double. He's a beast.

Oh, and Boise St. Beast Fresno St. in college football. Not that you care.

You Call That A Victory?

I call that an ass whooping. 13-1? Damn. I know it was Josh Beckett, but still. One run? Weak. And Schilling wont be much easier tonight. Get it together, Rockies. The rest of us are counting on you.

Also, the Flyers lost the first game of an 8 game road trip, and face a tough match up tonight in the Lightening. Nittymaki is making his first start of the season in goal. Should be a good game.

Oh, and the Eagles still suck.

God Damn It, Now I Have to Root for the Rockies

Fuck you Cleveland. You couldn't win one more fucking game? Really? Fuck. Now I have to root for the Rockies. This is almost as bad as when I was forced to root for the Marlins in 2003. Not that I hate the Rockies, but shit, I really hate the Red Sox. Well, I really hate their fans. I'm pretty indifferent towards the players themselves. Manny is actually pretty fucking amusing. And David Ortiz is cool I guess. J. D. Drew can go choke on a fat one, though. That fucking evangelical fuck.

Do yo have any idea what this means? If the Red Sox win another World Series, combined with the success of the Patriots, we're looking at the single most annoying fan base in the history of mankind. Worse than Notre Dame football fans. Worse than Cowboys fans. And yes, way worse than Yankees fans.

Big Daddy Drew of Kissing Suzy Kolber explains it perfectly, saying:

Boston fans fail to grasp a standard rule of sports fandom, which is: Any team that wins a title that is not your team is fucking annoying. It doesn’t matter how the other team won. They’re not YOUR team, so they can eat a fat dick. Fuck this “appreciating” other teams shit. Normal fans don’t do that. At least Cowboy and Yankee fans have a solid understanding of just why people can’t fucking stand them. But Mickey from Natick? Nope, he’s not gonna grasp that concept. In fact, he’s not gonna grasp much of anything.

(The entire article, which is a must-read for anyone who can't stand Boston fans, can be found here.)

So now I have to hope The Rockies, whose fans are undeserving if not insufferable, can stay ridiculously hot and upset the Red Sox, which will prevent my head from exploding.

Honestly, this all makes me sad. Until 2004, I understood Boston fans. They were, for the most part, miserable, like me. Yes, they had the Patriots and the Celtics, but the vast majority of Boston sports fans cared about the Red Sox and only the Red Sox. Then 2004 happened, and "Sox fans" started oozing out of the woodwork in droves. Genuine Boston fans were quickly outnumbered by assholes who couldn't name 6 Red Sox players. To make matters worse, I was in New York when the Red Sox won the World Series, and you had better believe every schmuck who lived anywhere near Boston at one point in his or her life what wearing a Sox hat and talking about how clutch Manny Ortez was.

And then, 4 months later, the Patriots beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl and the Decade of Douchebaggery was in full swing. Boston fans have not looked back. And so, it is because of this that I beseech you, Rockies of Colorado: please, please, beat those fucking fucks. And do it badly. For the sake of us all.

As If You Needed More Proof...

God is dead. Or maybe he/she never existed to begin with. Or, most likely, it's alive and watching this whole sordid scene unfold with depraved indifference. It hates you, cares little for your feelings and finds your suffering comical.

One Move That Won't Be On Eric Wedge's Resume

Am I the only person who thinks that the Indians would have had a better chance in this series if they didn't insist on sending Mark Ruffalo out to first base every game?


Oh, OK. I am.

Sunday Thoughts

Oh, today was not a good day to be an Eagles fan. Not that we have many good days. But today was especially bad. The Bears went 97 yards in 90 seconds with no time outs to win the game. And my fantasy team was playing against Mushin Muhammad, who caught the game winning pass. And I was starting the Eagles defense. Instead of the Redskins'. Guhhhh. W. E. A. K.

But enough about my fantasy team, which Shaun Alexander is methodically killing. As for the Eagles, well, let's face it: the season is over. They're 2-4, and the Redskins, the team in 3rd place in the division, is 4-2. And it's not like the Eagles have been unlucky or anything. They just haven't played well. A ton of stupid penalties combined with a crappy red zone offense and a defense that doesn't make big plays is not a recipe for success. It's time to start looking at next year.

But enough about my crappy home team. Tom Brady, you go to hell. 6 TDs? Go. Fuck. Yourself. 27 on the year? Again, go fuck yourself. This applies to all you Boston Fans out there as well. I don't care how good he is. He still looks like a white Yao Ming. I'm serious. He does. Just look:
Don't tell me you don't see a resemblance. But, no matter how you slice it, the Patriots are good. Real good. And Dolphins are bad. Real, real bad.

You know who isn't bad? The 6-1 Flyers, who won again last night in overtime against the Carolina Hurricanes, a hockey team whose sheer existence is a slap in the face to the sport. Not because they're a bad team (they're actually pretty good) but because hockey should not be played in either of the Carolinas. It shouldn't be played anywhere ice doesn't form naturally. In the last 15 years loyal fan bases such as Quebec, Winnipeg and Hartford (among others) have been stripped of NHL franchises because the league thought a bunch of displaced yuppies in warm locales would make good fans. Riiiight. Half of Tampa's population still has no idea the Lightening won a Stanley Cup. But whatever. I'm not supposed to care about hockey. It's the American Way.

Anyway, here's hoping Peyton Manning registers one fantasy point or less tomorrow night. Sigh... I hate you Shaun Alexander.

And Let Us Never Speak of This Again

Let me see if I understand this correctly. Joe Torre was “insulted” by the Yankees offer of a one-year contract for $5 million to manage the club. With incentives, the deal could have been worth an additional $1 million for each round of playoffs that the team reached. So $6, $7 or $8 million per year were all potential final compensation packages for next year. And Joe Torre found that insulting.

When the subject involved is a player – let’s say A-Rod – the common reaction to a story like this is backlash. “How could A-Rod turn down $x million to play a kid’s game??? He thinks that’s an insult?! I think it’s an insult that my son’s algebra teacher has to drive a used Civic with no A/C while poor Alex has to decide between 26 or 28 inch rims on his Navigator!” But those arguments are childish since they ignore the fact that we live in a market economy. When Tom Hicks thinks that Alex is worth $252 million, by default, he is. Yet compared to the market, even with his insulting 33% base pay cut, Torre is still light years ahead. Lou Piniella is the next-best paid manager in the league and he makes an average of $3.3 million per year on his three year deal with the Cubs. So despite an offer that would pay nearly 50% more than the next-richest manager in the league, Joe was insulted.

Furthermore, Torre and the fawning reporters are conveniently forgetting that he actually deserves a pay cut. When Torre signed his final contract extension in April 2004, his team was coming off of their second AL pennant in three seasons. And for four of the five seasons prior to that run, the team had won the World Series. Torre had earned that pay raise. In the four seasons since, his team has endured the worst collapse in postseason history, followed by three consecutive first round exits. In their last seventeen postseason games, Torre’s Yankees are 4-13. Taking nothing away from his managerial achievements, Torre has earned this pay cut.

That is, of course, if you seriously consider a baseball manager to be an integral part of a club’s success. I don’t. How else can we explain Clint Hurdle, who entered this season 84 games under .500 and will exit with an NL or World Series pennant? Or how about Terry Francona, who was run out of Philadelphia with a .440 winning percentage only to become a demigod in Boston? And Willie Randolph, whose job security alert level went from green to yellow to red in the space of twenty days? The truth is that a baseball manager, quite unlike a football or basketball head coach, is essentially a cop on a horse, riding around doing his best to look important but really not doing a damned thing.

Here’s where it gets confusing. According to Torre, money wasn’t the deciding factor in his decision. Hold on a second: On one hand the offer was an insult but on the other hand the decision wasn’t about money? That’s awful mealy-mouthed. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt here and assume that he really wasn’t interested in managing the Yankees anymore. Let’s say that he wasn’t interested in the constant scrutiny coming at him from all angles: The shameless New York tabloid press, the knee-jerk fans on sports radio call-in shows and, worst of all, the deluded old bat who ostensibly runs the team. Let’s conclude that he just didn’t want to manage the team anymore.

Given those circumstances, what should he have done? Resigned. Not even considered the team’s offer. Told the world that he wanted to go out on his own terms and longed for a new challenge. The press would have eaten that nonsense up. But he didn’t do that. He waited for an offer and he turned it down. It was about the money and he didn’t get enough. If only he could have said that.

Did You Know Joe Torre Isn't Coming Back?!?

OMG. I mean, he's Joe Torre. And he isn't coming back to work for a maniacal despot. At a decrease in pay. Can you believe it? Did you even know? Well, if you glanced at ESPN at all in the last 24 hours, you would know. The Worldwide Leader, oblivious to anything that isn't Yankee related, devoted the vast majority of it's news coverage to a saga that not that many people really give a shit about.

Yes, he managed the Yankees. Yes, they failed to win another World Series. Honestly, who cares? He was there for 12 years, they made the playoffs 12 times. The won the World Series 4 times. That's a pretty good track record. And, while the Yankees did offer Torre a one year deal for $5 million with an option for a second year, it was $2.5 million less than he made this year. It was an offer made to avoid slapping him in the face while at the same time... um... slapping him in the face. Speaking of which, have you seen his face? He spent most of his career playing catcher or first base, and I'm pretty sure he never used a glove or even his hands. He just caught the ball with his mug. Yikes.

Anyway, back to the real story. I've always had a lot of respect for Joe Torre, and turning down this deal will only give me more. Good for you, Joe Torre. Now please, get the fuck off my television. You're painful to look at.

Did Anything Happen Today?

Someone probably played hockey somewhere, but who cares? It's fucking hockey. Although the coach of the Atlanta Thrashers did get fired after only 6 games. (Atlanta is 0-6-0). I feel like this has to be a record for anything other than football. 6 games? Into an 82 game season? Wow. I gotta say, I'm impressed.

I would also be impressed by the 4-1-0 Flyers, you know, if I cared about hockey. But that shit is dead to me. (You go to hell Bobby Clarke!) That being said, the team appears to be going in the right direction.

Manny doesn't care if the Red Sox lose the series. He's tired. He's had enough of this "baseball" and wants to go out drinking. Or something like that. Just "Manny being Manny" I guess. Of course Boston fans are going to be Boston fans and end up making a big deal of this. Insufferable pricks. God forbid you assholes don't win another championship. Fuckheads.

Anyway, tomorrow the Indians look to earn the right to lose painfully to the Rockies, but it won't be easy. Josh Beckett will be taking the hill, and he doesn't like losing playoff games. Good luck Indians. I'll be rootin' for ya'. We bitter folk gotta stick together.

Turn Off The Radio

After 9 months of solid sportsblogging mediocrity, Roughing the Reader is headed for... more mediocrity. I kid, I kid. As I'm sure the 11 of you reading this will agree, I'm damn good at this. But writing a blog by yourself is hard, especially when you're as lazy as I am. So I've enlisted some talented, equally bitter help to take this blog to the next level. His name is Zwill, and he was recently voted Hater of the Year by a tribunal of his peers. He deserved it. (I'm not going to say which of our friends is the brother of that girl, but let's just say he wasn't pleased.) But I digress. He will add dimensions to this blog that otherwise would not be there. He will curse, maybe even more than I do. And he will write about New York sports, soccer, and anything else he damn well feels like. And so, without further ado, ladies (yeah, right) and gentleman, I give you Zwill. Take it away buddy:

In his 12^th year as an NFL head coach, Tom Coughlin has changed. Lightened up as a coach. Matured as a man. A new leaf hath turned. There he was, the ultimate megalomaniacal micromanager, taking his team bowling. Bowling! And ten-pin at that!

+

=

Stop me if you’ve heard this before. If this sounds like a familiar refrain, that’s because it is. You may have heard a talking head from the Worldwide Poetry Slam Leader say this last November when the Giants were 6-2. Or perhaps it was the previous January before the Giants hosted a playoff game against the Carolina Panthers that ended in a 23-0 loss. Coughlin entered that game as a coach revered for turning a 4-12 cellar dweller in 2003 into a 12-4 division champ in just two years. It didn’t take long – oh, about three hours – for all the positive goodwill to turn into vitriol, much of which came from his players.

One day you’re up and the next you’re down – that’s nothing new in the NFL. But to buy into it all takes some serious short-term memory loss. More than ever, the MSM deals in hyperbole. Genius is the new up and pathetic the new down. It’s no longer a “game of inches” where the best teams “go the extra mile.” Now the Patriots win because their coach is the Rembrandt of the NFL and the Falcons lose because they are ill prepared for battle.

At times likes these, it’s important to remember what Dead Prez says: “Believe in none of what you hear and half of what you see.” The margin for error in the NFL is so slim –so microscopic – that almost nothing is a given. So please channel your inner William Goldman and say it with me: Nobody knows anything.

Yes, the Patriots, Colts and Cowboys are good. Yes, the Dolphins, Rams and Falcons are bad. Beyond that, it’s all a crapshoot. And yes, we say this every year but does it ever really stick? Why are we still listening to Sean Salisbury and John Clayton bicker back and forth? They don’t know shit. Cris Carter and Dan Marino are both era-defining players at their respective positions … and their opinions are worthless. Are they ever held accountable for their wrong predictions? Beyond the “awwwww shucks” ribbing that they get from their colleagues, not a bit. When’s the last time you heard ESPN or Fox or CBS terminate a pundit’s employment for poor analysis?

So the next time you’re listening to The Fan or The Team or The Ticket, I want you to take another piece of advice from Dead Prez: “Turn off the radio! Turn off that bullshit!”

Kobe Bryant Rumors

Rumor has it Kobe Bryant just cleared out his locker today and a trade will be announced within hours. Where is he going? Who knows. I'm guessing Isiah Thomas traded 17 future 1st round picks for him. Stay tuned as more details become clear.

NOTE: While I'm not making this up, it may be unsubstantiated.

The Eagles: Solidly Mediocre

Yeah, they won. But it wasn't pretty. The defense played well, the offense, eh, not so much. McNabb just isn't 100%, and the play calling just isn't that good. Is this a playoff team? In the NFC, why not? They will, however, have to finish better than at least one team in the division, and that seems unlikely. They aren't catching Dallas. The Giants are, somehow, 4-2. And the Redskins, well, they are the Redskins. Anything is possible I suppose. But I wouldn't wager on them either way. Anyway, enough about them. My interest is minimal, at best.

The Rockies have now won 20 of their last 21 games. They are one win away from the World Series. Fans are coming out of the woodwork, primarily because the Broncos aren't good (and are on a bye week). I honestly think this team will beat Cleveland in the World Series, because that seems to be how baseball has been working lately. Let's take a look at the last six World Series Champions, shall we?

2006: St. Louis Cardinals. Totally loyal fan base, relatively deserving city, completely undeserving team. They won 83 games. Ugh. The NL Central should be wiped off of the face of the Earth. At least the Rockies won 90 games (including a 1 game playoff) this year.

2005: Chicago White Sox. No problem here, although these fans did get six championships out of Michael Jordan. That helps to ease the pain of not winning a World Series for 87 years.

2004: Boston Red Sox. Look, just because they were the loudest whiners does not mean they were tortured. They got two Patriots Super Bowl victories right before the World Series and one right after it. And there was the whole Larry Bird era. And, while most pre-2004 Sox fans were quite loyal, all of the ones that have sprung up since have made Boston area fans intolerable as a whole. This series wasn't a slap in the face to baseball, but to sports fans in general, it has made our quality of living worse simply because of how it has made all Boston fans.

2003: Florida Marlins. Um, it don't get no worse than this. We were 7 outs away from Cubs-Red Sox and we ended up with Marlins-Yankees. The Marlins also won in 1997 (only their 5th season in the league) only to completely dismantle the team they had put together. (And they beat the Indians! Harbinger of doom, anyone?) The same thing happened in 2003, and as a result, they have no fans whatsoever. A baseball team. In Miami. Without fans. The city is like, 94% Latino!* They love baseball! The Marlins are a disgrace to our national pastime, through no real fault of the players or the fans. But there is no franchise in American sports less deserving of a championship, let alone two. Fuck the Marlins. Yes, I am bitter.

2002: Anaheim Angels. Well, I guess this team has fans. But does Disneyville U.S.A. really deserve a championship sports team? I say no. They never should have renamed this team. What was wrong with the California Angels? It worked wonders for the raisins. Damn, those are some smoov muthafuckas. Also, rally monkeys are gay. Real gay.

2001: Arizona Diamondbacks. Ah, they year that started it all. Look, we're all real glad the Yankees dynasty ended at the hands of someone, but did it have to be a team in it's 4th season? Again, nothing against the players, but for fucks sake, there's a pool in left field. A fucking swimming pool! In a baseball stadium! Honestly, what was the thought process there? "Hey, you know what would make watching a baseball game more enjoyable in person? Swimming!" And I'm supposed to believe this team has real fans? Yeah, right. They don't even deserve to beat the Rockies.

Which brings me back to my original point: The Cleveland Indians, swell bunch of guys that they are, are destined to lose to another NL expansion team. It will probably be the Colorado Rockies, and while I'll be rooting for the Indians, at least I'll be able to take solace in the fact that my city will remain only the second most tortured sports town around. Golly, I sure do love baseball.

*Statistical data unresearched and entirley fabricated.

Baseball Thoughts, Other Stuff

Did you ever in your life think you would see an NLCS featuring the Rockies and the Diamondbacks? Kill me. Do it now, make it swift. The Rockies won game one, by the way. I have nothing against that team, but good God almighty, Rockies - Diamondbacks? ROCKIES - DIAMONDBACKS?!?!?! This is worse than 2003 when we were like 7 outs away from a Cubs - Red Sox World Series and we ended up with Marlins - Yankees. Ugh. This, combined with the fact that Dane Cook is invading my TV during baseball games, is making me question my loyalty as fan of the game. And I love baseball. Please stop doing this to me God.

The Phillies gave Charlie Manuel an extension. For the record, I'm against this, but not too vehemently. I mean, he isn't great, and I'm pretty sure there's tapioca inside his head, but are they really going to find someone better? There are maybe, maybe, five good managers (Manuel is not one of them) in the game today. As bad as Uncle Cholly is at times, he's better than most alternatives. So whatever. If the players like him, fine. But he is an idiot.

The Flyers totally pounded the Canucks Wednesday. 8-2. Good god. When you score 8 goals in a hockey game, even someone as disillusioned and spiteful as I am (there will be an article in the relatively near future about my life as a Flyers fan) has to write something about it. This just in: Danny Briere is good.

That's it for now. I may or may not discontinue picking NFL games. I'm not good, and I am lazy. We'll see.

Ow, My Head

Well, the Phillies' postseason is over as quickly as it began. Three games against the Rockies, three losses. Just like that, they're done. But you know what? I'm okay with it. While I certainly would have liked to see them advance, as a fan, I was on a free roll anyway. They weren't supposed to be in the playoffs. I was never expecting them to be there. I had already resigned myself more than once during the season to another October without the Phillies, so when they ended up being there, it was a such a pleasant surprise that nothing could really ruin it.

Still, the way in which they bowed out was hardly pleasant. In fact, their entire season draws shocking parallels to a day in the life of a college student. The day, like the Phillies, started badly. Let's say it was a Friday and you had class all morning, even though the majority of people at your college didn't have Friday classes at all, let alone at 8am. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, class ends. Now you're off to happy hour at the local watering hole, and things are going well.

Unfortunately, because you've already been awake so long, after a few beers at happy hour, you're starting to feel tired and sluggish. By now it's about 5:30 in the afternoon and you have a very crucial decision to make: take a nap to rest up for an evening of debauchery, or do some laundry, get high and fall asleep at a reasonable hour to prepare for tomorrow. The Phillies, given their plague of injuries, chose the latter. But some of their players didn't get the message. And neither did the Mets.

So anyway, you're getting ready for bed. You're tired, maybe a little buzzed, and looking forward to sleeping for the next 14 hours while the world around you parties. You're very okay with this, but then your phone rings. One of your buddies calls you up to tell you about a huge party going on in Brooklyn. You tell him you're about to go to bed and that you don't want to head over to BK, but he keeps pestering you and eventually you give in. All of a sudden your night has new life.

It starts out well enough. The party seems pretty sweet. That asshole from Queens that you hate decided not to come at the last minute, and that jerk from Atlanta who seems to be at every party decided not to show either. There's even a couple hot chicks there, one of whom is for whatever reason willing to talk to you. You're hitting it off, but then everything takes a turn for the worse. The fact that you've been awake for the last 18 hours is, along with the beer, starting to catch up to you. Some hotshot freshman jerkoff from Denver has started talking to your girl and you're too drunk/tired to do anything about it. The next thing you know he's leaving with her and you're waiting 30 minutes for the L train at 4am with your buddy, sucking down a Pabst you jacked from the fridge at the party, wondering what just happened. You wake up the next morning naked on your floor, a little confused at how you got there.

All in all the night could have gone better, but you don't have any regrets. The party was pretty cool, and while you may not have been fully prepared for it, time at college is precious and one must make the most of every second of it. You feel deep down that this was a step in the right direction. Next time you'll take that girl home and rail her till you get a trophy with a bunch of little flags on it. Next time you wont just be happy to be there. Next time you'll be ready. But right now your head hurts and you just need to crawl back into bed for the next 6 hours and sleep off any lingering effects.

That's the way I feel about the Phillies' season. No regrets. It's definitely something upon which they can build, even if it didn't quite end perfectly. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go back to bed and sleep the NLDS off.