A Catcher Stole Home?

Yes, Carlos Ruiz stole home in the Phillies 11-4 victory over the Reds Tuesday night. The last time any catcher stole home? Sometime in 1980. At least I think that's what the graphic said. Hey, I'm not fucking Elias, okay? Deal with it. As for some clarification on Ruiz's steal, it was a delayed double steal. He took off right after the catcher attempted, in vain, to throw out Michael Bourn at 2nd. It was awesome.

The Phillies patchwork rotation continues to hold up, as they got 6 good innings from Kyle Kendrick, who improves to 2-0 after out-dueling highly touted Reds rookie Homer Bailey, who didn't make it out of the 2nd inning. Ryan Howard hit his 17th home run and struck out 4 times, which he has been doing all too often this year. I'm a tad concerned, but as far as the Phillies go, Howard making contact is a minor issue. There's still that thing called the bullpen that isn't doing too well.

Also, Chase Utley went 3-4 with his 13th homer, improving his average to .325. What a stud. Meanwhile, the Phils are only 2.5 games out of first place, not that we haven't seen that before. I'll be satisfied when the playoffs start and the Phillies are involved. Still, if they can get through this rash of injuries to the rotation, they should be in good shape.

Henry? Hot Damn!

Thierry Henry, arguably the premier striker in the game today, has agreed to a transfer from Arsenal to FC Barcelona, my favorite European club. This make me quite excited because he is fucking good. He will bolster an attack that seemed to be lacking a spark at times this year, and he will do it well. The man has a nose for the goal (no, that wasn't a swipe at the French) and will fit in quite well with his new team. Samuel Eto'o's future remains to be seen, but if he remains with the club, they will have a pair of attackers unmatched anywhere. Thrown in Ronaldinho and budding superstar Lionel Messi, and man, this is a team to be reckoned with. I smell a triple, (win Champions League, win the Spanish Cup and finish atop the Spanish table) and man, it smells good.

Blatant Homerism (Many a Pun Intended)

For those of you out there who might have been worried about Ryan Howard earlier this year, well, you can officially stop worrying. I guess he really was injured before that DL stint because his numbers since have been, well, Howardesque. Pre DL Stint: 98 ABs .204 AVG, 6 HRs, 23 RBIs, .809 OPS, 29 BBs - i.e. not the numbers of the reigning NL MVP. Since he took 12 games off in May, his numbers look like this: 88 ABs, .284 AVG, 10 HRs, 25 RBIs and his OPS has risen .128 to .937. Now that's the Ryan Howard I know and love. 13 of his last 27 hits have been dingers. That's impressive, even for him.

Speaking of figures that blow your mind, while accessing Ryan's seasonal stats, I stumbled across the annual salaries of everyone on the Phillies roster. Pat Burrell makes the most - a whopping $13.5 million - but I already knew that. And while I already knew some of these as well, it was the yearly salaries of our oh-so-wonderful pitching staff that really caught my attention. Here they are, in order, along with my reaction to them in parentheses:

1. Freddy Garcia, $10 million (shoot me)
2. John Lieber, $7.83 million (eh, that one's had 3 years to sink in)
3. Adam Eaton $7.21 million (shoot Pat Gillick)
4. Tom Gordon $7 million (gee, thats only $1.4 million per save this year! What a deal!)
5. Jamie Moyer, $6.5 million (I'm relatively okay with that)
6. Brett Myers $5.08 million (Jesusfuckingchrist hurry back)
7. Jose Mesa - no, read that again - JOSE MESA, $2.5 million (why the fuck haven't you shot me yet?!)
8. Ryan Madson, $1.1 million (just pass me the fucking gun, I'll do it myself)
11. Cole Hamels, $400 thousand (someone give this man a raise)

Note: Geary and Alfonseca are 9 and 10, respectively, but neither of them makes more than 900K and therefore got no real reaction from me.

Also, Burrell makes 14.7 times more than Howard this season. I'm just hoping Ryan doesn't use that as leverage when it comes time to renegotiate his contract.

I Need To Find Some New Fucking Friends

This is ridiculous. Pacman don't need this shit man. I don't fucking need it. Why every time I go to see some ass and titties somebody in my crew gotta shoot somebody else? I wasn't even makin' it rain this time. Damn. So much for good behavior. I already had that Goodell muthafucka halfway up my ass on all this Vegas shit. Now I'm definitely missing the whole season. Damn. That's $1.3 million gone! And I wasn't even there!

I mean, yeah, we was all in the strip club together when some punk ass bitches started some shit, but it never got too serious. I bounced. My boys bounced. And then one of my boys felt the need to pull a drive by. I'll bet it was fuckin' Blinky. I don't know why keep him around anymore. Actually, I do know why, but if I told you, I'm sure the commish would be up my ass on that shit too. Let's just say he made sure I don't have any child support payments, yaheard? Fuck. I probably shouldn't have said that. You can't prove shit. Anyway, I'm just glad ain't nobody get killed last night. Cause Pacman really doesn't need that shit. Damn. Where the fuck is my weed?

Didn't The White Sox Win The World Series 19 Months Ago?

I'm a little ashamed to say I caught what was only my first Phillies game of the season this afternoon against the White Sox, but at least I picked a good game to attend. The Phils won 8-4 on the strength of Aaron Rowand's 5 RBIs in 4 innings and a decent start from someone not named Freddy Garcia. But that isn't the main story here.

Weren't the White Sox supposed to be good? They did win a World Series less than 2 years ago and the only 2 players they've lost since then are one the Phillies. And boy are they having different seasons. One is Garcia, fuckhead that he is, and one is Rowand, who truly deserves to start for the National League in center field this July. But we gave up Thome for Rowand, so that's at the very least equal production. And getting rid of Garcia was addition by subtraction, much like it already has been for us.

So, what's wrong with the White Sox? Take a look at the box score from today's (Wednesday's) game. How many Chicago players' names do you recognize? Three? Maybe four? Maybe even six if you're a White Sox fan. But man, this team is hurtin'. And I mean that literally. Injuries are killing them. It's kinda sad because I liked the way they played baseball. Oh well. I'll get over it.

A couple other notes - Justin Verlander and his no-no were very impressive Tuesday night. He hit 102 on the radar gun in the 9th inning. Think about that for a minute. Think about how many players hit 102 EVER. Not many. He did after throwing 100+ pitches. That is impressive. Think the Phillies are going to sweep the Tigers? Um, no.

Speaking of sweeps, the Cavs are done.

Someone needs to tell Bill Simmons that no one gives a fuck what the Celtics do with the 5th pick. Seriously Bill, shut up. I think what you write about the NBA is your best stuff by far - because you don't really know shit about any other sports, not counting some slightly above average NFL knowledge - as long as it isn't about the Celtics. Very few people in Boston care. NO ONE outside of Boston does. You aren't getting Durant or Oden. Nothing could be more fair. Deal with it.

I Had No Idea "The Sopranos" Was About Sports!

Worldwide Leader, you're on notice. Enough is e-fucking-nuff. A few years ago you started televising poker, which is certainly entertaining, if not a sport. Then you started covering the spelling bee, which falls into the same category. And you continue to push the WNBA on us despite the fact that no one other than a few lesbians would EVER consider fucking care about it. But I digress.

When I got to work today ESPN was on the TVs, as it always is. What was everyone from Skip Bayless (insufferable prick that he is) to Michael Wilbon (ditto, though not as bad) discussing? The finale of "The Sopranos"! Look I don't care if everyone watched it, you are ESPN. You are supposed to be dedicated to sports, or at least things that aren't TV shows on another network. Despicable. Almost as bad as when CNN devoted 842 straight hours to Anna Nicole, bless her chest.


And another thing - the ending was good! Granted, it took me a little while to mull it over, but I didn't go on TV on a network dedicated to sports and rip on the episode all day. Wilbon said it "lacked courage". I think he "lacks hair" as well as "original opinions on anything". Mike Golic said it "sucked". I think he's "fat" and "unintelligent".

Look, the bottom line is, ESPN should stick to sports. Yes, they did at times discuss the NBA finals. But it got the same amount of coverage as "The Sopranos", which is wrong, regardless of how bad the Cavs are. Leave the discussion of non-sports television to every loudmouth barely literate asshole with too much free time and a blog. Believe me, we can handle it.

Six Runs in One Inning?

Really Freddy? Six? Against the Royals? Jesus you suck. 1-5 with an ERA just under 6? Weren't you supposed to be good? Eaton I understand, but you? You once won 18 games. You're on pace to lose 20 this year. Please don't do that. Please be the 2001 Freddy and not the 2003 Freddy. You won 17 games just last year. Do try to do that again, would you?

Anyway, more to come soon. After watching the game Thrusday night, I'm leaning towards Spurs in 5. Sorry Lebron. Maybe when you're older.

You See, THIS is Why No One Watches the NHL Anymore.

Quick, if you can, name the last three Stanley Cup winners: Anaheim, Carolina and Tampa Bay. Guhhhhhhh. No wonder no one watched these games. Ice doesn't even form naturally in those cities. The NHL needs to contract to 16 teams, none of which will be located below the Mason-Dixon line. Pay the players in Canada U.S. dollars and be done with it. This is ridiculous. Hockey is too cool of a sport to be getting ratings similar to indoor lacrosse. I've given up on the Flyers, but not the NHL.

Also, Tim Duncan wants you to know he still exists. As awesome as Lebron was in that Pistons series, the Spurs are a much better team than the Pistons. They are also much better than the Cavs. And Tim Duncan is, as far as I'm concerned, more dominant than Lebron. The Cavs frontcourt will have no answer whatsoever for Duncan. Spurs in 6. Or less. Go ahead Lebron, prove me wrong. I really hope you do.

The Phils look like they could sweep the mets with Zeus taking the hill tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to it. Why Zeus? Because he throws fucking lightening bolts, thats why. What a stud.

EARTH TO CHASE UTLEY

Hi Chase. How are you? It's me, Lionel. It's been a while since we last spoke (about 23 years) and I really feel like we need to chat. You see Chase, today you did something I will never forget. Today, with runners on 1st and 2nd and no one out in the 1st inning, you bunted. You bunted, Chase. You. Chase Utley. Studly second baseman. Tremendous hitter. Riding a hot streak. Regularly hits third. You bunted. At that point, I knew the game was over.

Now, don't take this the wrong way Chase, but what the fuck were you thinking?!?!? "Maybe I'll surprise them and get on to load the bases?" Try swinging the fucking bat! You're a very good hitter! What happened? You ended up with a sacrifice bunt and essentially took the bat out of Ryan Howard's massive and powerful hands by opening first base. (He was, not surprisingly, intentionally walked.) You took the bat out of the hands of two of the best hitters in baseball (you and Ryan) and put it into the hands of Jason Werth. Jason Fucking Werth!

Now, why Werth was hitting 5th and not Rowand, or Burrell, I don't know. I never said Charlie Manuel knew what he was doing. But you Chase? I expect better from you. Don't worry, I forgive you, but don't ever do that again.

As for the rest of you Phillies, well, with the exception of the top 2 guys in the order, you all stunk. Werth did make one hell of a catch and Mike "Please don't feed" Zagurski pitched a solid inning of relief. He looks like the closer of the future. He also looks like he could fix the leak in my bathroom. But today was pitiful. Let's hope it's rock bottom and not a harbinger of things to come.

(You bunted? You fucking bunted?!? Jesus man, what were you thinking?!)

Hamels, LeBron, or a Hurricane Named Ditka?

I don't know who would win between those three, but it would be awesome. Lebron has taken the Cavs to the NBA finals for the first time ever. Cole is now 8-2 and sexy as ever. And a hurricane named Ditka would make Katrina look like a wuss.

It's 4:30 in the morning. I'm going to sleep so I can dream of a certain lanky lefty.

I Suppose I Should Be Impressed

We've all known for a while now that Lebron - I don't care how fucking good he is, I'm not acknowledging a second capital letter in his first name - James is good at basketball. How good, however, remained to be seen. Until tonight. The last non-Lebron Cleveland field goal came with 7:48 left to play in the 4th quarter. The game went into double overtime. Cleveland won. After Zydrunas Ilgauskas made the score 79-76 in favor of Cleveland, Lebron scored 29 of the next 30 points for the Cavs, including their final 25.

With 2:48 to go in the 4th, Drew Gooden went 1 for 2 from the line. That was the last time a Cav scored a point. And they won. HO. LY. SHIT. 25 in a row?! Who does that? Lebron James, apparently.

And it isn't like he was hitting easy shots either. They weren't leaving him open. Remember, Detroit is a good defensive team, as evidenced by the fact that no other Cav made a bucket during the last 17+ minutes of the game. But he just kept making them. And making them. And making them. He finished with 48 points, not to mention 9 rebounds and 7 assists, which were clearly just for shits and giggles. This kid (he's twenty-fucking two!) is pretty good. Of course none of this means shit if Cleveland doesn't win one of their next two basketball games.

Good luck, your Majesty, although I doubt you'll need it.