Thursday, May 31, 2007

Kobe, Come Home

Look, I don't like Kobe Bryant. I never have. Ever since he tried to rep Philly at the All Star game and everyone booed him, I've always thought he was a bit of a punk. Aw, you're upset because we booed? Hey asshole, your team beat us in the finals 8 months beforehand! Did you expect a hero's welcome?

Also, Kobe isn't really from Philly. He spent his formative years in Italy and went to high school in a Philly suburb. Yes, if he had to rep an American city, Philly would be the logical choice. But he is no Philadelphian.

That being said, I want him on the Sixers. Now. He's unhappy in L.A.? Fine. Bring him back "home". Give up Rodney Carney and the 21st and 30th pick int he draft for him if L.A. really wants to unload him. Is that equal value for one of the most dynamic scorers of all time in his prime? Good grief no, but the NBA gods owe us one after giving away Iverson for half a sandwich and three expired coupons.

Could he play with Iguodala? Absolutely. Iggy is a smaller, more athletic and talented version of Lamar Odom, with whom Kobe meshed well enough. And Andre Miller would suit him perfectly. Bring him. Do it now.

The only problem is that Billy King, fuckhead that he is, might trade the entire team for him, leaving the Sixers with a one man roster come opening night. Also, Kobe has a no-trade clause and could easily end up on a better team than the Sixers (Dallas, Phoenix, Chicago, etc.). But hey, Kobe always said he liked a challenge...

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Excuse Me Whilst I Dust Off My Broom

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


Oh, that was fun.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

.500... + 1

After a win this afternoon against the Braves, the Phillies are over .500. Finally. They had lost their previous 4 chances to have a winning record before finally winning one today to go 25-24. Mike "Chubs" Zagurski, who made his major league debut last night, pitched well for the second game in a row. Shane, "The Flyin' Hawaiian" Victorino was a double shy of the cycle. Even Adam "Damn, I Fucked Up" Eaton didn't fuck up.

Yup, everything's comin' up Milhouse! I mean Phillies. Until they lose seven in a row starting tomorrow. Huzzah. Happy Memorial Day everyone. Enjoy it responsibly. Or don't. Whatever.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Two Years Old

AC Milan beat Liverpool in the Champion's League final today, avenging a brutal loss 2 years ago when they blew 3-0 halftime lead, which in soccer is like blowing a 7 run lead in the bottom of the 9th. The ageless (he's actually 33) Filippo Inzaghi scored both goals for Milan, who won 2-1. Liverpool outplayed Milan for the majority of the match, but Inzaghi scored his first goal with two minutes go to in the first half, enough to demoralize any squad.

Quick side note on the first goal, which Inzaghi scored by deflecting a free kick after breaking free of the Liverpool wall: why was no one on him? You don't let an opposing player just slip through your wall! Grab his shirt! Elbow him! Step on his foot! For the love of all things Maradona, do something. But they didn't. And he made them pay.

Kaka, who played absolutely brilliantly in the semis against Man United, was relatively silent for the majority of the game, but he did set Inzaghi up beautifully in the 82nd minute to seal the game. (Liverpool scored in the 86th minute to keep things interesting, but it was to no avail.) All in all the game was exciting through the finish, but I'm sure many people will be wondering why Peter Crouch, Liverpool's top goal scorer, didn't enter the game until very late in the second half. Head coach Rafa Benitez will have some 'splainin' to do.

I just wanted to see a good game, and I did. If you didn't see it, I recommend trying to catch a replay. Also, on an unrelated note, Rod Barajas is officially on my shit list. I don't care if the Phillies still won. Missing that tag was inexcusable.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

They Call Him "Chipper"...


Chipper Jones, excuse me - Laaaaaarrrrryyyyyyyyy - was recently overheard whining about having to play the Red Sox every year in interleague play while other teams in the NL face easier, non AL East competition. Well Larry, I gotta say, you have a legit complaint. But it needs some fine tuning. Interleague play is only unfair when the American League team is the home team. Why? Because then the NL team is forced to start a player who would otherwise not be a starter as the designated hitter.

Yes, designated hitter, the two dirtiest words in baseball, with the obvious exception of "Canseco's needle". (We all know where that thing has been. Yikes.) The designated hitter is stupid. It cheapens the game. It creates a disparity between leagues. And it fucks up fantasy baseball rosters everywhere.

Bud Selig, blubbering spineless vagina that he is, needs to get rid of the DH once and for all. Players such as David Ortiz and Travis Hafner will still be able to find work, trust me on that one. And as for guys like Frank Thomas and Mike Piazza who have been able to extend their careers by only playing offense, well, tough shit fellas. You can't field any more? Retire. Go out with some dignity, a word that is now rarely associated with out once glorious national pastime.

And as for you Larry, stop worrying about interleague play. Think of the fans in Atlanta who wouldn't otherwise get to see - hmm, "the fans in Atlanta" is setting off all kinds of red flags with my word processor's built in grammar check. It might have something to do with the phrase being an oxymoron. Whatever, bad example. Personally I like getting the chance to see the Phils play the Yankees or the Red Sox, even if it does mean they're probably going to get shellacked. It's a whole new set of players for me to heckle. And that dear Larry, is what makes it all worthwhile.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Cole Hamels!

Good. Fucking. God. He's such a stud.

Marry me Cole. I don't care if you're straight and already married to a woman. We can work it out.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Packers Unhappy Favre Didn't Retire

Rumor has it Brett Favre is upset the Packers didn't make a deal with the Raiders to land Randy Moss, who ended up being traded to the Patriots for a loaf of bread and two pads of butter. Now don't get me wrong, it's easy to understand why Favre would want a wideout as talented as Moss as a target. What I cannot understand, however, is why the Packers continue to put up with this egomaniacal geezer they continue to call their quarterback.

Look, Brett Favre is a first ballot Hall of Fame player. You could argue that, all things considered, he's a top five all time quarterback. His career numbers are nothing short of spectacular. As a football fan, I have a lot of respect for the player Brett Favre once was.

But that's just the thing. He was great. He has thrown 47 interceptions (versus 38 TDs) in the past two seasons. The Packers have missed the playoffs two years in a row despite playing in what is easily the weakest division in the weakest conference in the NFL. And, regardless of what receivers Favre is throwing the ball to, the Packers will stink.

Why? Well, their defense is terrible. Al Harris was their number one cornerback last year. Yes, Mr. Pass Interference himself. Also, Brett Favre is washed up. And yes, you could certainly argue that he is still the best QB in his division, but his competition is Jon Kitna (please), Tavaris Jackson (unproven at best) and Rex Grossman, a man more famous for his fabricated exploits and monologues at the hands of Big Daddy Drew over at KSK than for his football abilities.

It's time for the Packers to give Aaron Rodgers, the quarterback they drafted in the first round two years ago, his chance. Could he be worse than the current Favre? Sure. But he could also be a lot better. The Pakers are not getting any better with Favre running the show. Quarterbacks only get better through in-game experience, of which Rodgers has had very little to date. The longer it takes for him to become the starter, the longer it will take for the Packers to become contenders again.

But only Brett Favre can make this happen. He has to retire. The packers can't really bench or cut the man who has been the face of their franchise for the last 15 years. He won a super bowl. And 3 MVPs. To treat him that way would be disrespectful and selfish. Kind of like how he's treating the Packers and their fans.

Oh, and God help me if I ever have to write something like this about Donovan Mcnabb.

Friday, May 11, 2007

This is Not Going to End Well

Bobby Abreu. Allen Iverson. Donovan McNabb. What do they all have in common? No, it isn't a ridiculous beard. That's just McNabb, who has clearly been hanging around Koy Detmer way too often. Iverson, Abreu and Mcnabb are all the best players of my lifetime for each of the three major sports teams in Philadelphia. (Hockey stopped being a major sport when it took a team out of Winnipeg to put in in Phoenix. Also, I understand it's likely that Ryan Howard and Chase Utley will have better careers than Abreu, but as of now, it's too early to declare them better players than Abreu ever was.)

It appears these three men will soon have another thing in common as well: a departure from Philly that neither the athletes nor the fans deserved. Abreu was shipped off because the Phillies did not want to pay him. Iverson was jettisoned because the Sixers had given up on building a team around him. Donovan may be gone for both reasons. And so, before that happens, I have a request: please Donovan, don't go down that road.

I'm different from most Philadelphia sports fans. For starters, my education extends past 7th grade. Also, I'm a bigger Phillies fan than anything else, a rarity in an Eagle-first town. Also - and this might be directly related to trait number one - I don't boo my own players at the first sign of struggle. Don't get me wrong, I will boo when necessary. Give up 4 home runs in a game? I'm booing. Throw that 3rd pick? I'm booing. Wear a jersey that says "Eaton"? You better fucking believe I'm booing. It's just that if a guy is in a slump, we tend to berate him instead of supporting him, and I have trouble believing that helps.

The Philadelphia sports media, which consists of a bunch of blowhards calling themselves fans - I'm looking at you Cataldi - also tends to be overly negative and hypocritical. They made fans believe Abreu was the reason the Phillies weren't playing well and that the attitude change after he left last season was why they had such a good record after the break. I tend to think that Rollins and Howard hitting a combined 843 home runs in August and September along with a pitching staff hitting its stride was the more likely cause. But hey, what do I know? All I did was watch every game. I do know this though - if Bobby is a Phillie for the entire 2006 season, they make the playoffs.

As for Iverson, who was never exactly a media darling, well, he probably did need to go. (I, along with every other fan, loved him, but they weren't going any further with him as the centerpiece of the team.) But had Billy King pulled the trigger last summer the Sixers could have swung Carlos Boozer and the 7th pick in the 2006 draft, which ended up being Randy Foye. Add those two guys to Iguodala, Willie Green, Korver and Dalembert and that is a nucleus with which you can work. Instead they waited till midway through this season and got 30 cents on the dollar for him. Yes, the two 1st round picks will be nice, but Billy King, idiot that he is, is in charge of using them. Confident I am not.

And then there's Donovan. Sweet, sensitive Donovan. With apologies to Randall Cunningham, Jim McMahon, Ron Jaworski, Ty Detmer, Koy Detmer, Rodney Peete, Bobby Hoying, Doug Pederson and Jeff Blake, McNabb is the best quarterback in Eagle history. And now the media is going apeshit over the Eagles using their first pick - which was NOT A FIRST ROUND PICK - on a quarterback. Do I agree with the pick? Not this second. But if Kevin Kolb is a stud five years from now I'll be fine with it.

Look, McNabb has been hurt recently. He isn't getting any younger. Football is a business. You have to plan for the future. And that's fine. You do not, however, need to make a giant fucking deal out of the Eagles planning for the future. Andy, you don't need to have a conference with Donovan. Donovan, you don't need to say that you're "shocked" with the pick. And everyone else, you don't need to make it seem like there is any question McNabb might not be the starter if fully healthy. He is an elite NFL quarterback. Do you really think Jeff Garcia would be gone if the Eagles had short term worries about Donovan?

Everyone else, though, Donovan and his fat-mouthed and even fatter-assed mother included, is not as smart as I am. Everyone else feels the need to give this way too much attention, making a would-be non-issue into a potentially hazardous real issue. (T.O. anyone?) Just let it go. There's no way of knowing if Kolb was a good draft pick, and there is no way of speeding up that judgment. We all (myself included) booed Donovan when he was drafted. I have learned from such a mistake. I will save my boos for more deserving athletes. In the meantime, everyone just chill out and hope Donovan isn't tearing up the league for some other team much like Bobby and Allen have done. If that happens, then I'll be booing.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Roger Clemens is STILL an Asshole


Two baseball posts in one day? You people should consider yourselves lucky. I don't do this too often. (You can read my other post, regarding The Big Giant Head, here.) Back in February I wrote about how much of a santorum-dripping assbag Roger Clemens was for the way he has carried himself over that last year as a baseball player. His indecisiveness regarding where he wanted to play was disrespectful to everyone involved and should not be indulged.

So what did they Yankees do? They gave him 28 million dollars for essentially 5 months work! Holy fuck man! That is A LOT of money! He is forty fucking four! And he's almost definitely a 'roids case. Can you say breakdown? I sure hope so.

I mean, I'm sure he's still an effective pitcher. Steinbrenner would never spend way too much money on an over-the-hill ace. Is Clemens over the hill? I don't know. He sure wasn't last year. But he was a year younger and that was the National League. This is different. I'm hoping for a complete meltdown, but I will settle for one documented case of old man on the mound flatulence that causes Posada to puke and/or the Yankees missing the playoffs. Either would be hilarious.

Monday, May 7, 2007

The NBA Should Really Try to be More Like the NHL

Wait, don't stop reading! I know nothing should be modeled after the NHL, but this one little thing should change about the NBA. The playoff system reseeding the NHL uses after the first round needs to make its way to the NBA. Right now the Suns (#2 seed) are playing the Spurs (#3 seed) while Utah gets to play Golden state (#4 and #8, respectively). How is that fair? Is it really that hard to have the highest seed play the lowest seed? If the NHL can pull it off with an annual budget of $7.50 (Canadian), anyone can.

Speaking of hockey, while hanging out with a few friends earlier, I was briefly reminded what it was like to care about an NHL team as my boys cheered on the Rangers towards the end of their game 6 with Buffalo. (The Sabres won.) My friends were intense. I remember being like that about the Flyers. Liking hockey was kind of fun, at least in Philly where everyone used to care. (Many still do, I'm just not one of them.) Oh well. Thanks for ruining hockey for me Bobby Clarke. Shithead.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

REEEEEEMAATCHHHH

AC Milan advanced despite Dida. Liverpool won via penalty kicks. (They like doing that.) Kaka is really, really, really fucking good. (He scored again today.) There is no love lost between these two teams after the 2005 final. (For those of you calling the underside of rocks home, Milan blew a 3 goal lead at halftime and eventually lost on penalty kicks to Liverpool.)

I for one am excited. If Dida ends up costing Milan the game he may be flayed alive. And deservedly so. As far as I am concerned, Milan is the considerably more talented team, much like they were 2 years ago. But Liverpool is feisty and cannot be counted out. Two conflicting stlyes of play should give us one hell of a game. Mark your calendars. This will kick ass.