Monday, August 18, 2008

Am I The Only Person That Finds Michael Phelps Boring?

Look, I don't mean any disrespect to Phelps. He's obviously an amazing swimmer. The best ever. He's a bona fide freak of nature, and hey, good for him. And I'm certainly not one of those idiots that thinks swimming isn't a sport. (Yes, they do exist.) But the greatest olympian ever? A swimmer? Really? I'm sorry, but Phelps and his 8 gold medals aren't even the most amazing story of these Olympics, let alone any Olympics. That title belongs to Usain Bolt, who fucking jogged his way to gold in the 100 meters and the 200 meters this week. Anyway, that's another story. Back to Phelps.

Was the comeback during the relay amazing? Yes, but that wasn't even Phelps during the anchor leg. Was the 7th gold in the butterfly by .01 seconds pretty cool? Absolutely. But 8 gold medals in one Olympics? Overrated. Look, only a swimmer could do that, because only swimming rewards people for being the best at simming inefficiently. There shouldn't be any strokes other than the crawl (which I believe is the technical name for the stroke everyone uses in freestyle races), because you wouldn't swim any other way if time was truly a factor. I don't care if you're the fastest in the world at the back stroke. There's a reason crab walking isn't an event in track and field. Ditto for hopping on one foot. If a lion was chasing you, you'd fucking RUN. And if a shark was chasing you, you'd being swimming the crawl. Well, you'd probably shit your wetsuit while crying and eventually die, but you get the idea.

And then, on top of everything else, there's the fact that Phelps himself is downright uninteresting. At least Mark Spitz had a porn 'stache. Phelps just has big teeth, bigger ears and an upper body that's 11 feet long. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve his Wheaties box. I'm just saying I'm glad swimming is finally over. Now I have time to enjoy what the Olympics are truly about:

Beach volleyball.
Now there's a sport I can get behind.

Giggedy giggedy, giggedy goo.

1 comment:

Zwill said...

Race walking is definitely a sport. I realize that it is about as legitimate a sport as ballroom dancing and rhythmic gymnastics in terms of the actual athletic ability required. However it does undermine your argument a bit. And Phelps only swims freestyle and butterfly, which are the two fastest strokes. I agree that he has become rapidly over-hyped and is a bit of a yokel but I think it's reasonable to call him the greatest Olympian of all-time. Bottom line: He has entered 16 events in his Olympic career and won 14 of them, finishing third in the other two. Usain Bolt is absurd but he ran less than two minutes total in the entire competition. It just doesn't compare.