Yes, I know this is a sports blog. And yes, there has been sort of a lot going on lately in the sports world (go Soul!), but not really. Ken Griffey Jr. is on the White Sox now? Wonderful. Manny was traded to the Dodgers? Nice Job Red Sox. You made out like bandits. Brett Favre is still a donkey raping shiteater? Par for the course. Last year I wrote The Idiot's Guide To Leaving A Tip and it seemed to go over fairly well. So now I'm writing a follow up to let people know how to conduct themselves in a restaurant.
This is not going to encompass the more obvious things, such s not sending things back seven times or insulting your server. If you don't know things like that, you're hopeless. This is meant to address the things that most people wouldn't think of unless they have worked in a restaurant before.
First of all, don't seat yourself unless there is a sign instructing you to do so. Even if you don't see a hostess, wait politely at the door until someone acknowledges you. Trust me, it wont take long. And, when you are seated, look at your menu! You're there to eat! I don't want to come back six times because you "haven't even looked yet". You'll have plenty of time to chat before, during and after your meal. (By the way, this doesn't mean you should rush into ordering. It just means you should start looking at the menu as soon as possible. That way, if you have questions, we can help you. And yes, please feel free to ask questions. Just don't ask stupid ones.)
When ordering, order entire courses together. (And it is ideal that you order everything at once, but if you want to get some appetizers working while you decide on your main courses, that's totally fine.) Don't have me bring out your entrees and then decide you want that side of fries. That annoys the kitchen staff to no end, and they are NOT the people you want to piss off. Oh, and if you're one of those weirdos that wants a side of mayo with his burger, order it when you order the burger. Don't make me go get it when the burger arrives. You know damn well you wanted that side of mayo, you fucking weirdo. You ordering it at the last minute is not going to make me not judge you.
Now that you have ordered, don't complain about food taking too long. I'm just the fucking waiter. I'm not back there cooking it too.
When your food has arrived, there are a couple of mid-meal things you must consider. First of all, if you need something, such as more napkins, or another fork, ask me for them. Do not grab that roll up from another table because "you didn't want to bother me". Who the fuck do you think has to replace that roll up? Don't you think that taking another napkin, putting a fork, knife and spoon in it, rolling it up and putting it back on the table might inconvenience me more than just getting you some more napkins? For fuck's sake people, bringing you shit is my job. If you want to get your own napkins and silverware, go to a fast food joint.
And, if there is a problem with your food, it really is okay to say something. If your steak or burger is undercooked, or if you asked us to hold something (due to an allergy or religious reasons) and we didn't, please feel free to point it out. You're paying for this meal, you deserve to have it prepared properly. Just don't be a dick about it. Don't complain because you asked for no lettuce on your burger and there was still lettuce when it arrived. Just take the lettuce off and eat the damn burger, you fucking prima donna.
Once you're finished with everything, and your server asks you if you need anything else, don't sit there and say, "Oh, I think we're okay for now". What the fuck does that mean? Do you want a few minutes to think about dessert? Fine. Say that. Are you done? Then ask for the check. And when it arrives, hey asshole, pay it! Feel free to sit and talk as long as you like, but pay your check right away (and tip 20%). You never know when my shift is over and your open check is the last thing keeping me from going out and getting hammered.
By following these simple guidelines, I can assure that your dining experience will be the best one possible. And it will also make my job a lot easier, so everybody wins.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find as many pieces regarding my first place Phillies as possible. After all, some people who say they write about sports actually do it.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Favraro Needs To Be Taken Out Back And Shot
I don't know who first coined the term "Favraro", but good god is it fitting. This story just wont die, even thought the vast majority of the populace doesn't give half of a shit. What the hell is Brett Favre thinking? He's "got the itch"? Hey Brett, you're always going to have "the itch" to play football. You're a professional football player! It's all you know. Guys don't retire because they stop liking football. They retire because they're skills diminish and training camp takes too much of a toll on their older bodies.
Those two qualifiers certainly seem to apply to Favre. Despite a pretty good season last year, his skills are clearly not what they once were, and let's not forget his shitting of the proverbial bed in the NFC championship game. At home. Against a Wild Card team. And yes, I know they won the Super Bowl. But still. And as for the rigors of training camp, that stuff takes its toll on 21 year olds. Favre is 38. 38 for a football player is downright ancient. Why Favre would want to subject himself to that all for the sake of maybe winning a playoff game is beyond me.
What is also beyond me is why any NFL team would convey interest in Favre. I think the Vikings did it just to screw with the Packers. John Clayton says the Redskins and the Panthers wont get involved. At this point I can't imagine what team would. A 38 year old egomaniac hick who just happens to be a slightly better than average (at best!) quarterback at this point in his career? No thanks. Not even Jerry Jones is crazy enough to take on Favre. Someone needs to convince Hank Steinbrenner that Favre can pitch. No that would be a story.
Anyway, the bottom line is that Favre has ruined what was going to be a shiny, surefire hall of fame legacy. Yes, he'll end up in the Hall, but now were going to remember him as that idiot drama queen who didn't know when to call it a day. Even if he never plays another game, the damage has been done. And I haven't gotten into how disrespectful he's being to Packers fans, arguably the most devoted fans in all of American sports. Well done, Brett. You have achieved irreversible douchetard status. You should be proud. Now please, fuck off.
Those two qualifiers certainly seem to apply to Favre. Despite a pretty good season last year, his skills are clearly not what they once were, and let's not forget his shitting of the proverbial bed in the NFC championship game. At home. Against a Wild Card team. And yes, I know they won the Super Bowl. But still. And as for the rigors of training camp, that stuff takes its toll on 21 year olds. Favre is 38. 38 for a football player is downright ancient. Why Favre would want to subject himself to that all for the sake of maybe winning a playoff game is beyond me.
What is also beyond me is why any NFL team would convey interest in Favre. I think the Vikings did it just to screw with the Packers. John Clayton says the Redskins and the Panthers wont get involved. At this point I can't imagine what team would. A 38 year old egomaniac hick who just happens to be a slightly better than average (at best!) quarterback at this point in his career? No thanks. Not even Jerry Jones is crazy enough to take on Favre. Someone needs to convince Hank Steinbrenner that Favre can pitch. No that would be a story.
Anyway, the bottom line is that Favre has ruined what was going to be a shiny, surefire hall of fame legacy. Yes, he'll end up in the Hall, but now were going to remember him as that idiot drama queen who didn't know when to call it a day. Even if he never plays another game, the damage has been done. And I haven't gotten into how disrespectful he's being to Packers fans, arguably the most devoted fans in all of American sports. Well done, Brett. You have achieved irreversible douchetard status. You should be proud. Now please, fuck off.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Chase Utley Is Awesome, Josh Hamilton Is Good At Hitting Baseballs, Billy Wagner And J.D. Drew Can Rot in the Firiest Pits Of Hell
Hmm, it's a been a little while since I've posted anything. Sorry about that. Anyway, if for whatever reason you haven't seen how Chase Utley really feels about being booed, here it is:
Also, Josh Hamilton's display of 28 home runs in the first round was pretty damn impressive, but then he had to go and lose all anticlimactically. And then he STILL had to go thank his lord and savior. Guhhhh. If he really thinks Jesus is the reason he is where he is today, that's super, but please, spare me the preaching. I don't go telling everyone about that talking cat named Mittens that convinced me to stop strangling hookers.
And of course J.D. Drew had to be the MVP of an All Star game that a Phillie lost. At least Lidge didn't blow a lead like Wagner. Got I hate Billy Wagner. And J.D. Drew. They're both on the short list of people that would make me smile if they got hit by a bus.
Brett Favre has also worked his way onto that list. More on that tomorrow. Now I need to head to work.
Also, Josh Hamilton's display of 28 home runs in the first round was pretty damn impressive, but then he had to go and lose all anticlimactically. And then he STILL had to go thank his lord and savior. Guhhhh. If he really thinks Jesus is the reason he is where he is today, that's super, but please, spare me the preaching. I don't go telling everyone about that talking cat named Mittens that convinced me to stop strangling hookers.
And of course J.D. Drew had to be the MVP of an All Star game that a Phillie lost. At least Lidge didn't blow a lead like Wagner. Got I hate Billy Wagner. And J.D. Drew. They're both on the short list of people that would make me smile if they got hit by a bus.
Brett Favre has also worked his way onto that list. More on that tomorrow. Now I need to head to work.
Monday, July 7, 2008
All Star Game Thoughts, Part 2
Yesterday I went over who is starting for the American League as well as who should be starting. Today I will do the same for the National League. Let's get right to it.
(All Stats as of July 6th.)
Catcher: Geovany Soto, Cubs. .289/15/52. I think the difference between Soto and Brian McCann (Braves - .293/15/48) is small enough that the fact that Soto's team is in 1st place should give him the nod. Pretty crappy year for catchers across the majors.
1st Base: Lance Berkman, Astros. .349/22/70/74 R/.437 OBP. Berkman is having a phenomenal year and is the clear choice here despite a strong class of NL 1st baseman.
2nd Base: Chase Utley, Phillies. .294/25/68. Utley is having a typically superb year and deserves to start, but it's a lot closer than I would have imagined due to the excellent play of Dan Uggla (Marlins - .289/23/58).
3rd Base: Chipper Jones, Braves. .388/18/50/.485 OBP. As much as I hate Larry, he's a hell of a baseball player having a hell of a year. No argument here.
Shortstop: Hanley Ramirez, Marlins. .303/21/43/21 SB. Ramirez is also the clear choice in a down year for shortstops. Still no complaints so far with the fans choices, but I may have spoken too soon...
Outfield: Ryan Braun, Brewers, (.284/21/59). Alfonso Soriano, Cubs, (.283/15/40). Kosuke Fukudome, Cubs, (.287/7/35). Ah, here we go. Now I have some complaints. Braun is fine, he's having a good year when most NL outfielders aren't. Soriano shouldn't be starting, but I don't have a problem with him being on the team. Fukudome is a different matter. His numbers are above average, sure. But starting an All Star game? You've got to be kidding. He shouldn't even be on the team. So who else should be starting? Well, two guys who are eligible for the final spot, Carlos Lee (Astros - .292/20/70) and Pat Burrell (Phillies - .278/22/54/.410 OBP). The fact that one of these guys isn't going to make the team is ridiculous when you've got guys like Fukudome and Ryan Ludwick occupying spots. And yes, I understand that the suggested starting outfield of Carlos Lee, Ryan Braun and Pat Burrell might be the worst defensive outfield of all time, but so what? It's a fucking all star game.
As for the designated hitter, just put Pujols there and let Adrian Gonzalez be the first sub at 1st base.
All right, I've said my peace. As usual, I'm right. But hey, that's why they pay me the big bucks.
(All Stats as of July 6th.)
Catcher: Geovany Soto, Cubs. .289/15/52. I think the difference between Soto and Brian McCann (Braves - .293/15/48) is small enough that the fact that Soto's team is in 1st place should give him the nod. Pretty crappy year for catchers across the majors.
1st Base: Lance Berkman, Astros. .349/22/70/74 R/.437 OBP. Berkman is having a phenomenal year and is the clear choice here despite a strong class of NL 1st baseman.
2nd Base: Chase Utley, Phillies. .294/25/68. Utley is having a typically superb year and deserves to start, but it's a lot closer than I would have imagined due to the excellent play of Dan Uggla (Marlins - .289/23/58).
3rd Base: Chipper Jones, Braves. .388/18/50/.485 OBP. As much as I hate Larry, he's a hell of a baseball player having a hell of a year. No argument here.
Shortstop: Hanley Ramirez, Marlins. .303/21/43/21 SB. Ramirez is also the clear choice in a down year for shortstops. Still no complaints so far with the fans choices, but I may have spoken too soon...
Outfield: Ryan Braun, Brewers, (.284/21/59). Alfonso Soriano, Cubs, (.283/15/40). Kosuke Fukudome, Cubs, (.287/7/35). Ah, here we go. Now I have some complaints. Braun is fine, he's having a good year when most NL outfielders aren't. Soriano shouldn't be starting, but I don't have a problem with him being on the team. Fukudome is a different matter. His numbers are above average, sure. But starting an All Star game? You've got to be kidding. He shouldn't even be on the team. So who else should be starting? Well, two guys who are eligible for the final spot, Carlos Lee (Astros - .292/20/70) and Pat Burrell (Phillies - .278/22/54/.410 OBP). The fact that one of these guys isn't going to make the team is ridiculous when you've got guys like Fukudome and Ryan Ludwick occupying spots. And yes, I understand that the suggested starting outfield of Carlos Lee, Ryan Braun and Pat Burrell might be the worst defensive outfield of all time, but so what? It's a fucking all star game.
As for the designated hitter, just put Pujols there and let Adrian Gonzalez be the first sub at 1st base.
All right, I've said my peace. As usual, I'm right. But hey, that's why they pay me the big bucks.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Blind Homerism Carries 7 Cubs, Red Sox, To All Star Game
Yes, Cubs and Red Sox fans have voted 7 players in from each of their respective teams. Of those 14 players, 7 were voted in as starters, and at least one of them even deserves to start! Which one? That will be revealed shortly as I go position by position. Let' start with the American League, which I'm sure will find a way to win despite having what seems like a vastly inferior roster. The fans' choices will appear first, and if I disagree, the player I think should be starting will follow.
(All stats are as of July 5th)
Catcher: Joe Mauer, Twins. .325/4/37.415 OBP. I have no problem with this. He's hitting .325, and no other catcher in the AL is putting up numbers worthy of supplanting him here.
1st Base: Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox. .310/13/53. Youkilis is having a fine season, but Justin Morneau (Twins - .307/12/65) is having a better one. Not exactly a banner year for AL 1st baseman though.
2nd Base: Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox. .312/9/39/60 R/9 SB. Pedroia is another fine young player, but the fact that Ian Kinsler (Rangers - .332/14/53/79 R/23 SB) isn't starting here is a damn shame. Kinsler is having what is easily the best season of any AL 2nd baseman and deserves to start.
3rd Base: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees. .320/17/49/.407 OBP. Despite missing a couple weeks, A-Rod is having a typically swell season and deserves to start. His competition isn't exactly fierce either, as the only other 3B on the AL roster is Joe Crede (Withe Sox - .261/15/47).
Shortstop: Derek Jeter, Yankees. .280/4/36. These are probably the worst numbers Jeter has ever had at this point in the season, which says a lot about his career. Michael Young (Rangers - .292/7/46) is having a better year, but whatever. The game is in Yankee Stadium and it's Derek Jeter.
Outfield: Josh Hamilton, Rangers, (.309/19/84). Ichiro Suzuki, Mariners, (.303/3/21/61 R/34 SB). Manny Ramirez, Red Sox (.279/16/53). Hamilton is a no-brainer. Ichiro will be voted in as a starter 3 years after he's dead. And Manny... well, you could argue that Carlos Quentin (White Sox - .273/19/61) is having a better season - and he is - but Manny hit his 500th home run this season, he's having a pretty good year, and whatever, he's Manny. Quentin is only 25. He'll get his chance.
Designated Hitter: David Ortiz, Red Sox (.252/13/43). Ortiz is hurt and wont be able to play. He will be replaced by Milton Bradley (Rangers - .320/17/54) who is having a very good season. Whatever. Look, voting for a DH in all star games is stupid. Yes, there should be a DH regardless of where the game is being played, but fans shouldn't be forced to choose between guys who just DH. The DH should just be whatever position player got the most votes among non starters. Theres no reason for Ortiz, who has missed over 30 games this season, to be voted in as a starter.
Starting Pitcher: Starters have yet to be determined, but I think Cliff Lee, Indians (11-1/2.43 ERA/1.04 WHIP/99 K/19 BB/ 118.2 IP) should start. He's struggled a little as of late, but overall he's been phenomenal this season.
That's it for the American League. National League will be done tomorrow.
(All stats are as of July 5th)
Catcher: Joe Mauer, Twins. .325/4/37.415 OBP. I have no problem with this. He's hitting .325, and no other catcher in the AL is putting up numbers worthy of supplanting him here.
1st Base: Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox. .310/13/53. Youkilis is having a fine season, but Justin Morneau (Twins - .307/12/65) is having a better one. Not exactly a banner year for AL 1st baseman though.
2nd Base: Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox. .312/9/39/60 R/9 SB. Pedroia is another fine young player, but the fact that Ian Kinsler (Rangers - .332/14/53/79 R/23 SB) isn't starting here is a damn shame. Kinsler is having what is easily the best season of any AL 2nd baseman and deserves to start.
3rd Base: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees. .320/17/49/.407 OBP. Despite missing a couple weeks, A-Rod is having a typically swell season and deserves to start. His competition isn't exactly fierce either, as the only other 3B on the AL roster is Joe Crede (Withe Sox - .261/15/47).
Shortstop: Derek Jeter, Yankees. .280/4/36. These are probably the worst numbers Jeter has ever had at this point in the season, which says a lot about his career. Michael Young (Rangers - .292/7/46) is having a better year, but whatever. The game is in Yankee Stadium and it's Derek Jeter.
Outfield: Josh Hamilton, Rangers, (.309/19/84). Ichiro Suzuki, Mariners, (.303/3/21/61 R/34 SB). Manny Ramirez, Red Sox (.279/16/53). Hamilton is a no-brainer. Ichiro will be voted in as a starter 3 years after he's dead. And Manny... well, you could argue that Carlos Quentin (White Sox - .273/19/61) is having a better season - and he is - but Manny hit his 500th home run this season, he's having a pretty good year, and whatever, he's Manny. Quentin is only 25. He'll get his chance.
Designated Hitter: David Ortiz, Red Sox (.252/13/43). Ortiz is hurt and wont be able to play. He will be replaced by Milton Bradley (Rangers - .320/17/54) who is having a very good season. Whatever. Look, voting for a DH in all star games is stupid. Yes, there should be a DH regardless of where the game is being played, but fans shouldn't be forced to choose between guys who just DH. The DH should just be whatever position player got the most votes among non starters. Theres no reason for Ortiz, who has missed over 30 games this season, to be voted in as a starter.
Starting Pitcher: Starters have yet to be determined, but I think Cliff Lee, Indians (11-1/2.43 ERA/1.04 WHIP/99 K/19 BB/ 118.2 IP) should start. He's struggled a little as of late, but overall he's been phenomenal this season.
That's it for the American League. National League will be done tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
The Rays Are NOT A Great Story For Baseball (And thoughts On Euro 2008)
It's nothing personal against the players. The team has drafted well and has done quite a job of stockpiling talent. I respect that, and yes, it is nice to see a relatively small market team compete with the likes of Boston and New York.
But this team is in first place. In the American League East. And they played (and beat) the Red Sox tonight. The attendance? Just over 31,000, or 75% capacity. The team is in first place! They're playing the Red Sox! Who are these people, Braves fans? Go to the fucking games! I'm sorry, but there are no real baseball fans in the south. And there are no real pro sports fans in Florida. But I digress.
On to Euro 2008, which may have been the best soccer tournament I've ever seen. Spain was dominant throughout, and it's always nice to see the Germans lose. Spain was the best team the entire time, going 6-0 in the tournament. And that final was probably the most entertaining 1-0 game I've ever seen. Spain looked great throughout and now has to be among the favorites in 2008.
If Spain was the best team in the tourney, Turkey was definitely the most entertaining. I thought the games were going to need an NC-17 rating with the way they kept pulling goals out of their asses. It's too bad they couldn't pull it off against Germany.
Anyway, if you watched any of this tournament and still find soccer boring, I don't know what to tell you. I guess you're just a moron. Personally, I'm pretty psyched for the World Cup. I like Argentina and Spain in the final, which would be one hell of an entertaining game. Lets hope it happens so I look smart.
Happy Fourth of July everyone. You wont be hearing from me again before then. Enjoy the holiday.
But this team is in first place. In the American League East. And they played (and beat) the Red Sox tonight. The attendance? Just over 31,000, or 75% capacity. The team is in first place! They're playing the Red Sox! Who are these people, Braves fans? Go to the fucking games! I'm sorry, but there are no real baseball fans in the south. And there are no real pro sports fans in Florida. But I digress.
On to Euro 2008, which may have been the best soccer tournament I've ever seen. Spain was dominant throughout, and it's always nice to see the Germans lose. Spain was the best team the entire time, going 6-0 in the tournament. And that final was probably the most entertaining 1-0 game I've ever seen. Spain looked great throughout and now has to be among the favorites in 2008.
If Spain was the best team in the tourney, Turkey was definitely the most entertaining. I thought the games were going to need an NC-17 rating with the way they kept pulling goals out of their asses. It's too bad they couldn't pull it off against Germany.
Anyway, if you watched any of this tournament and still find soccer boring, I don't know what to tell you. I guess you're just a moron. Personally, I'm pretty psyched for the World Cup. I like Argentina and Spain in the final, which would be one hell of an entertaining game. Lets hope it happens so I look smart.
Happy Fourth of July everyone. You wont be hearing from me again before then. Enjoy the holiday.
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